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I live paralyzed by fear and self-loathing

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I'm a 27 years old virgin.

I had my first relationship with a girl as a teenager, with 14 or 15 years, but after a few months she left me because he was not really attracted to me, although we continued seeing each other as friends and our relationship is good. But since then I tried to start other relationships and I have only received rejection, which has completely undermined my self until I stopped trying. I've always been a shy boy, but today I am unable to show affection to a woman because my head is full of negative thoughts, such as I'm not unattractive, I'm not a fun person and I have nothing to offer a potential partner, even if I wasn't rejected all the time, my girlfriend will end up leaving me because I'm awkward and nervous.

It has begun to affect me even at my job, because I can make decisions and take responsibilities for my total lack of confidence, even now, I want to expand my studies but I'm unable to decide on anything because I am disabled at all fields.

I mostly feel useless and stupid, because it's a problem I can not fix myself but I also feel real fear that someone will discover that I'm so weak.

I see everyone around me and all people seem perfectly functional, happy with their couples, with remarkable skills, always interesting things to do, relate to many people and have clear goals, and I feel I have to pretend all the time because if they saw me like that, they will be sorry for me.

I tried talking to my ex about this, since it is the only person who knows me better, but I feel bad making her worried about my problems. I don't want to make her feel more uncomfortable than it already may be with me, not even she will feel responsible for me. I have a feeling that's something only I can fix myself, to regain my confidence, but seeing that I can not improve, I feel even worse.

Some time ago I met another girl. He has been part of my circle of friends, and we agree on the relative frequency group. I asked a mutual friend if I should try to say something to this girl, but she gently discouraged me. Now that I've taken, I feel empty, no goals or objectives. Everyone says that you can always find someone, that people only need confidence (as if it were easy) but they don't understand how I feel and how I see myself, how I despise me, so helpless and so little value to anyone.

Please, answer me. Anything. I can't talk to anyone in my life about this, but I need finding someone who cares.
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replied July 1st, 2013
Hi there. There are people out there who definitely care, and I assure you that your feelings are not uncommon. I am so sorry that you feel like this though, it must be very frustrating and discouraging. I know that this may sound silly, but one thing that honestly does help is to just start believing in yourself. This may sound like a few-away goal now, but you start with the little things. What are you good at (and it can't be nothing, because that is not true. You just wrote a heartfelt and eloquent letter)? What do people like about you. Which of your features are the best? Start praising yourself and appreciating the little things about yourself that you are proud of and then look in the mirror nd love the person that is there. It all sounds silly, I know. Over the top, even. But it's a necessary step. The best way for someone else to want to be with you, is if you like yourself and are comfortable in your own skin as well. Please do not be discouraged. I am so glad you found the courage to post on this forum as well. As always, keep me posted. and feel free to reply with feedback/updates, anything that concerns you.
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replied July 6th, 2013
but everyone has different gifts and purposes in life. a mistake I think you are making is focusing on even the possibility of a relationship.. meaning the details of one.. like imagining/daydreaming how it 'should' be.. when you dont think of it altogether thats when most people say it 'just happens' when its not on the table. I was a virgin to age 28 (wish I still was) I am now 39. I wasdnt ready it turned out. so be careful and do not focus on the textbook defintions of 'virgin' etc and what it 'means' in society and things like that. cuz id give anything to go back.I did it WRONG. its not a big surprise,its sad, I had low self esteem and I let others sway me into whats 'normal' and truly it destroyed my life. please do focus on nurturing yourself! what is any lifeform if its not self nurturing and cared for? humans are self destructive only by picking up 'others' perspectives' there is nothing more destructive,look around. by same token as yours..imagine those who sleep around incessantly... they can get ANYONE THEY WANT imagine, they are gorgeous/handsome/rich/confident etc..but they are equally making a train wrck out of their lives,same token flip side of coin..getting approval from others. at least YOU have a better chance of a lifelong one on one truly meaningful relationship. but do not overthink it. or think about it at all. consider yourself on a reprieve.. like set a date on the calendar that you consider your own personal sabbatical or vacation. time for self.. you may think , but thats all I have had is time for self! cuz youre alone, but thats NOT true.. you didnt give yourself that by thinking of these things. there are such things as mind vacations. not giving up..just putting on a box on the shelf for another time. because for one it will never accomplish anything. just thinking about what you want and what isnt and all that negative self talk. just be!Smile its not lonely when you grow to like yourself. and start to realize what someone else will be getting and feel good about it.
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