Medical Questions > Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum

I Like Her But I Doubt If She Feels the Same

You know you're in love and screwed when you wake up early in the morning and the first thing on your mind is a girl you like.

The Story: We have been colleagues for 6 months now but only started getting closer about a month or so ago. She is 30, I'm 27. About 2-3 months ago we had a project in which both of us worked together, some long nights together at the office and we slowly got to know each other better due to this. I did help her with work every now and then, because despite me having less experience than her, I'm better than what we do.

She was supposed to go to France a week or so ago but I remember I saw her upset last month and I talked to her and she said the person she was going to stay with in France was a guy she liked before and he told her that he's with another girl now so she decided she would not go to France. She is an "unusual" girl in that regard. She slept with this guy on a short trip to her friend's house in France a few months ago, developed feelings for him, saw her a couple of times more over the course of 6 months. She fell for him and the guy was obviously just after some sex. She has had sex maybe 20 times in her life. As you can see she is a simple minded girl but doesn't sleep around and barely drinks (doesn't like nights out, clubs etc.).

Anyway, I had already started to like her before she told me about this other guy but once I knew about this I thought I'd back off for good, just gave her some advice not to fall for guys so easily etc. and decided to close the curtain. But as it happened we got closer, for example going for lunch breaks together (the whole office thought we were dating) and walking each other home (sometimes she walks me to mine, sometimes I walk her to her's). But sometimes, she'd ask another person to join me and her for lunch, sometimes a guy, sometimes a girl. Since I like her, I did get pissed off inside about the fact that she brought someone else but I showed a poker face. It got me doubting if she does like me at all.

Fast forward to last weekend, she asked me if I wanted to come to her place and hang out with her (she had invited me once before but I couldn't make it). Nevertheless, I didn't end up at her house because it was a very sunny day so we went for a walk, sat in nature in the sun and had a talk about everything. She told me about her past experiences with guys and how they didn't work out and I did the same. Some nice, often deep discussions. Now I'm not great at reading women (anyone?) but I know a girl loves me when she just has this huge smile on her face and prolonged eye contacts with me like I'm her world. But it wasn't quite the case here. I may be wrong. I had to go to a friend's house and it was quite far from her area but she said she'd walk with me to his place because it was a nice day. We went for a meal on the way, sat outside in a restaurant and talked more. I saw the sun shining on her beautiful hair and smiley face and that's when I realised I'd fallen for her. Finally after 6 hours of being with her, I had to go see another friend of mine so said goodbye. No kisses (other than "greeting" kisses), no holding hands etc happened during this whole time. A few touches when I teased her. I also told her I thought she was a catch after she complained about nobody being interested in a "good girl" like her (maybe I shouldn't have complimented her like that? But I thought she was a catch so I said it).

Now I am off work for a week this week. But last night I told her to let me know if she wants to meet up at lunch breaks or after work during the week and she told me she "respects my vacation". And I told her it doesn't matter but she said "Don't worry I'll be okay." Which was the last text we swapped and to be honest I'm disappointed in her reply. I've been in this grey area (as to whether she likes me or not) for a while, sometimes it is light grey and it gets my hopes up and suddenly it becomes dark grey and I'm down. And I'm suffering here and I've never been this weak mentally since I was probably 17.

I sometimes feel like I just want to tell her I like her and get over and done with it. Should I just tell her how I feel about her? How do I do it? Or should I even do it?

A few other notes that might help you in assisting me:

She adores me for being smart yet humble.
Every time I go to meet my ex she teases me about having sex with her.
She says she doesn't like playing games. If she likes someone she will show it by her action.

Thanks for reading. Your comments will be valued. Please help!
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replied March 18th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
First things first and that is the big taboo of dating where you work, especially a close colleague; if things go wrong life can be so miserable it would be impossible to work together.

So far she hasn't crossed any boundaries and has been careful to emphasise you are friends and friendly work colleagues but you don't know what she is thinking about.
She could be old-fashioned and be waiting for you to set the pace or she could be being careful about getting the maximum out of your relationship without actually breaking that taboo.
She might be more seriously concerned about you seeing you ex than her joking leads you to believe.

Seems a waste to keep wondering and suffering the way you are so why not simply ask her what is in her head.

Send her a message and say you want to meet her for lunch as you will be around anyway. Admit you missed her company even though it has only been a couple of days. Tell her if she gave you the slightest encouragement you call fall for her in a big way and dare her to encourage you.
Her reaction should immediately tell you whether to back off or arrange a date.

She said she doesn't like playing games but she obviously can't really demonstrate any more that she likes you without being humiliated if you reject any advances she makes. Up to a point it is a case for plain speaking before frustration sets in.

You need to throw down the gauntlet and see if she picks it up.

Good luck!
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replied March 18th, 2014
Thanks for the advice Verne. A lot of what you say makes sense. She even told me she would not get close to anyone from work unless he is the love of her life.

Frankly, my love life has not been like this, so weak mentally, since high school. I never feel sorry for myself but this time I've pitied myself and I hate it. Time to pick myself up and be up front.

Cheers.
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