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I know this is wrong. So what is wrong with me.

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What is wrong with me ?
Im 27. I live with my boyfriend of four years. I didnt know in the beginning how angry he is or else ,I hope, I would have done something different. 2 months in we had our first fight that really showed me something might not be eight. I ignored and we stayed together. 2 years went by with fight that really got escalated to almost fighting a few times. I stayed through it all. He has always liked to drink and once he starts, he doesnt stop. I tell myself Im not scared. But I am. ... I think im tough, but when it comes down to it... he is tougher. I stayed.... through screaming in my face, pushing me against walls, not letting me leave the room, taking me to the floor until I submit. Verbal abuse, manipulation, scaring me. I honestly know it isnt right and I see the red flags, but I stay. I tell myself that its just one "little" incident or "I can cover this with makeup." The first time he truly hit me.. was actually me being punched in the face. Closed fist. While holding on to my throat and hair. Afterwards throwing me in my truck and taking off to get away from the police. It was the first and only time I called the police on him. He gets arrested. Goes to jail for 2 weeks. I visited every week. Took his calls as much as I could. As soon as he is out. We are right back together even with a no contact order. Things are the same except a little better. Still being pushed and screamed at on a bi-weekly bases. Some months are better than others. His recent issue is breaking stuff. Phones, pictures, dishes, beer bottles, the house. No hitting or slapping or holding me on the ground. Things "arent THAT bad" and I want to please him so I dont put TOO much of a fight after he insists that we have sex. Really really rough sex but maybe this is just what he is into right ? "Pain is pleasure"
I know this is wrong. So what is wrong with me. My parents taught me better and I deserve better. But I stay. Even after our fight last week. Tackled me to the ground and took my hair and banged me head on our title floor. Slapped me in the face 5 or 6 time while rolling around all over broken glass. I had to cover rhe bruises from my family and work. Thankfully I had the rest of the weekend to get the swelling down. When we have good times, they are really good. When we have bad times they are really bad. Im the only person he has left.
What is wrong with me ?
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replied January 13th, 2017
I once read a quote "We accept the love we think we deserve" and I don't know if deep down you think you deserve this "love". You don't, no one deserves that, everyone deserves better, deserves someone who would take a bullet for their partner, not use them as a human shield (no offence but he sounds like he would do that, and I really mean no offence to you). You deserve better love, not this. Tell him how you feel, truly how you feel, but keep something handy in case he over reacts, maybe pepper spray behind your back or something. If that doesn't work, leave him, no one deserves to get injuries from their partner.
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replied March 8th, 2017
Wow. When I read this I thought it was something I had written. I am in pretty much the exact same situation. Right now I am in the perfect position to leave the relationship...unfortunately my brain and heart are not on the same page. Can you tell me what you have done since you posted this?
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