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I just want to give up on life...

I'm 34... going on 54.... I've spent 10 years in tech and worked at some of the greatest companies in the world as well as started a few companies on my own.... I've always been someone who was "lucky" and had many opportunities come my way. I was sitting at my home last year about this time last year when a crushing wave of hopelessness, anxiety and panic overcame me like a tidal wave...

I was laid out cold and couldn't function for a period of a few months... I was a marathon runner - fast one too - and somehow picked up a very hold smoking habit again to cope... then came alcohol... drugs... promiscuity... impulsive spending... frivolous travel.... ANYTHING to feel better... I found a therapist and talked to my MD. Dr's gave me anti-depressants and sedatives which left me feeling like a vegetable, so I quit as much (too early I've since learned).... NOTHING was working... nothing... I was SOOO desperate to feel better!!! I began to withdraw from friends.... lost a bunch likely because I simply wasn't responding or available for social gatherings.... I called my manager, crying, desperate for a work transfer to nowhere in particular - just away from where I was.... It was granted.... I quickly sold my DREAM home - and at a loss - and moved to a teeny-tiny apt in NYC... I went from a property owner to a tenant again - which felt like a terrible setback.... I don't remember ANYTHING about the months I spent in NYC except drinking alone and smoking too many cigarettes.... I found my way back to the town I left some month later....

I've picked up work again with my therapist - tried different medication - and now seeing more clearly I miss my life the way it was so badly... the life I had BEFORE the breakdown... It crushes me that a massive depressive episode (aka nervous breakdown) could sneak up from nowhere and cause such an interruption in my life... I'm playing catchup - but it's stress I never needed - never wanted.... would that I could have been patient through a difficult period - but I'm not that way....

My heart longs for the little life I had so carefully crafted and was enjoying so much before the episode.... It took years to set up - and just a few months to tear down...

I just want to feel better... current meds are helping... family and friends have always been there for me...

I just need hope... hope that I can craft something of equal or greater value than before....

I just want to love me for me - forgive me for a human condition...

I long for community again.... and to break free from my present isolating tendencies....

The bad habits are slowly being shed - but I cling to a few crutches because they make me feel better.

I just want things back the way they were....

I just want to be happy again...
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replied February 2nd, 2011
I'm deeply sorry to hear this really I am. If your depressed there is always options trust me. There IS a light at the end of the tunnle. Did you ever think that the reason you are getting closed doors is because there is one JUST FOR YOU waiting. I know this sounds weird but listen to: FireWork by: Katy Perry. Watch the music video trust me it boosts hope. There is always someone for you. Also, try adopting a pet, they will always appriciate you and love you as long as you love them. Really DONT give up. There are many ways to get out of this. You can always message me to vent/talk. Good luck remember you are special. Very Happy
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Users who thank 13yearmale for this post: good2bgreen 

replied February 2nd, 2011
I LOVE the Katy Perry FireWork song - and have listened to it a great deal recently. We're on the same wavelength. I honestly have all the resources to make a great life for myself.... I'm just missing a house I loved - and a life that was going swimmingly before the emotional tsunami hit me.
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replied February 2nd, 2011
Are you religious or spiritual? There is a ton of great things I can recommend if your open minded and spiritual.
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replied February 2nd, 2011
I was religious... I grew up rigidly religious - Mormon... I am gay - and religion hasn't been so kind to me. I'm not religious, but still consider myself a spiritual person - and certainly believe there is a higher power...
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replied February 6th, 2011
OK well I guess the next question is how open minded are you?

If you search youtube for Ascension you find something that will inspire you. On the other hand you need to be careful as all the vids are not positive ones. These positive videos I believe to be true because of well I am not sure how many hours but a lot of research trying to find out why I am here. Look up Bashar but look for who he is first then you can watch random videos.

If you are not open minded don't bother because it seems hard to believe. However if you research Sumerian you will find what seams like on stone tablets our origin.

The whole thing is hard to swallow but I hope I know what is in store for me.

If the message is not 100% positive avoid it.

I hope I have given good information to you. After all its just an opinion but it is a well educated one.
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