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I just want to be happy but not sure how?

I have a pretty complecated situation on my hands. I've come here for some guidance and some helpful and caring thoughts. I would like to first off say that my name is Holly, and i'm 26 years old. I'm a mother of 2 and recently split with my fiance of 4 years. Thing were really good up until the last year and a half. I ended up pregnant with our first child. ( my oldest is not his.. she is from a previous relationship. Her father left me when i was 3 months pregnant. haven't seen him since ) I didn't know until about 3 months ago that my fiance was holding resentment for my oldest from something that happened when she was 3 years old. When we first got together she would cry sometimes all night and put a lot of stress on our relationship because she was used to being with me and me only. He told me he still resented her for that and that he was trying to get over it. She's now 7 Then the drugs started. He was smoking weed in our house with the girls there. My 7 year old walked in on him. He wouldn't quit for me, or the kids. But he continued to do them else where. We ended up going broke one payday cause he spent 200$ on weed. Then started the verbal abuse. He told me that i was psycho, and called me a psycho B*tch on several occasions. Said that if we split that i would have to have to see a psychologist before i could see my daughter or have visits. Told me i was fat and i needed to learn to exercise. I work from home so i'm a stay at home mom, and he told me that he didn't have to come home and do any cleaning cause he works 5 days a week and that i was my job to keep the house clean. Being a stay at home mom is a full time job on it's own. I think that i could use some help with the chores. He's never been like this in the 4 years that we've been together. I just couldn't take the abuse not only to me but my daughter. He would verbally abuse her too. I really do think that once he had his own child that mine didn't mean anything to him anymore. Resenting a child for something that happened 4 years ago is ridiculous.

In the mean time I met someone online. I met a man from CA. He's 29 years old. We started out as friends. I talked to him about my problems, and he talked about his. We soon exchanged phone numbers and were talking almost daily and sometimes all day long. I saw myself growing really close to him. And soon i fell in love with him. I knew my feelings were strong, and i came clean with my fiance. I'm not a cheater and i don't believe in cheating. We then broke up. We broke up not only cause of my feelings for this man, but for the fact that i was tired of the abuse and the way he was treating my daughter. Once the other guy found out he bought a flight to come see me. We spent an amazing 3 days together. I've never felt so loved, cared for, taken care of, and i really felt i was head over heals in love with this man. He's EVERYTHING i've ever wanted in a man. A very old fashioned guy. He then went home and i couldn't stop thinking about my ex. I know in my heart i still loved him. I guess you can't go 4 years with out there still being some love there. I really feel that i only stayed with him before, and tried to work things out after because fear of losing my daughter and it was comfortable for me. I broke it off with the other guy and tried my hardest to make it work with my ex. We told each other that we would try counseling. So i made the appointment and he then told me that he didn't need it cause he was perfect. We never did go. Things continued to go back down hill. Everything happened that did before, and i realized i made a huge mistake going back to him. We are not broken up. I've decided that i would like to make things work with the other man.

Now i sit here with issues about the daughter my ex and I share. He will not let me leave the state with her. And i can understand that. But we've come to agree on a plan that i would keep her for 3 months, and he would keep her for 3, and do that. I know many people that do this every. People split up all the time. And i know it's even harder when you have kids. I love my daughter with all my heart. But i want to be happy too. I really feel in my heart that I've made the right choice by being with the other guy. He's got two kids himself and he can't leave the state with him. That's what him and his ex wife have come to agree on. I would really like to move and be with his guy. I would really love to move out there and start some college and start living my life, and being happy. We've decided to do the long distance thing until we can figure something out. I'm having a lot of grief from my family. They didn't tell me directly but they said that if i left the state with out my daughter that i would be a horrible mother and that they don't understand how i could do that to her. I don't feel that i'm being a bad mother. I'm not leaving her. I'm not saying good bye and leaving her life. I'm trying to make a better life for myself and my oldest. But i just can't help but think i really am doing something wrong. I just want to be happy. I know i could find someone here where i life, but I've fallen so head over heals in love with this guy.. I don't want to be with anyone else. I'm sure you guys think i'm crazy lol, but like i said i really feel in my heart i'm doing what is right, and i just wish everyone would accept my happiness. Anyone have any suggestions, or know anyone that has been through this? Or any legal advice for my youngest daughter? I'm just looking for someone to talk to. Someone to listen.. I know this was long and i thank you for taking the time to read. I will answer any questions too. Thanks, and have a great day!
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replied November 20th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
well if the guy does drugs in front of the child and theres proof then i'm sure you would probably be able to gain custody..but then she wouldn't have a father..then again what kind of father does she have at this point? he does drugs and verbally abuses..do you really feel safe leaving her with him at all? after 4 years he snapped into verbal abuse, who says he wont eventually take it further one day? I think you're doing the best in this situation by moving on and making yourself happy, to be a good mother you need to make sure youre happy yourself and stable and not in a relationship like the one with your ex..there is no reason for you to be treated like that at all...i'm happy for you that you've found a new guy that seems decent and i'm sure you two will be able to work things out...
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replied November 20th, 2008
Thank you Worrywart! You're the first one that has any positive information to share. I really don't feel i'm doing anything wrong. I guess i can either sit here and be unhappy every day, or do what i need to do to make myself and my daughters happy. I plan on talking to an attorney tomorrow and seeing what my options are about just taking her with me, and getting custody. And having him have visits. I really am so happy and i feel i've made the right choice. I just don't understand why so many people have to make me feel like a crappy mother/person
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replied May 5th, 2009
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i left Philly to live in north Florida. i cant even get in contact with my child's father b/c he never had a stable household.

i can't believe you didn't see that coming when you gave your ex a second change. i knew what was going to happen before i read the outcome.
will you child's dad return her to you in 3 months, sometimes things goes wrong.
i would make sure you have custody of your children. my dad snatched us while we were small, and they told my mom they cant do anything b/c she doesn't have custody. i wouldn't make verbal agreements with your ex, i would let the courts decide the custody. b/c if he does something wrong the courts are already involved.
i would leave, but please have a back up plan b/c some men are funny.
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