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I Just need someone's opinion..PLEASE

I don't know where to start, but here goes. In one year and 8 days i've lost my Dad (Apr.09), my only sister (Dec.09) and my Mom (May10). Thats my whole family growing up. I do have 2 daughters and 4 grandchildren. Just recently, i've had this gut awfull feeling that my husband of 28 years is having some sort of connection with a woman named Amanada. I've never snooped on his cell before..but i started and found several several txts to one another. Nothing sexual... more like "oh i'm soo bored no one here but me" when i'm right there beside him. He's also called her on several occassions and he says it's work related and yes he's her supervisor. One txt that upset me the most was a txt to his brother saying "dont tell amanda that i bought her a sirus radio".. Hes called her Sweetums.. (now i'm crying). i guess i just need someone to give me their take on this. I don't want to talk to my friends as i have talked their ear out already with my grief and loss issues.. so really hate to add this in there... I just don't get it .. why now when i'm at my most vunerablist emotional, physically, mentally, etc. please give me your take on this..
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replied September 21st, 2010
OK- this is not acceptable behaviour on his part. If he's not cheating, then it seems like he's at least thinking about it. If you want this relationship to work then be honest (maybe not about the snooping... that's up to you). Invite him to talk about it openly- he's more likely to tell you if you seem to be willing to listen to his side. It's possible that his behaviour is in response to yours, if you've been busy with your own problems and grief he may be feeling neglected or like your physical relationship isn't enough anymore. This doesn't excuse his behaviour but maybe you can understand why a bit better? If that's the case, own it. Tell him you know you've not being paying him enough attention or giving enough effort to your relationship and ask him to be patient with you. It's always better to talk this through with him- but be prepared for bigger issues in your relationship to come out. The sooner these are dealt with the better. I am so sorry for you loss and I hope that your husband will get the wake up call he needs to be supportive and committed to you.
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replied September 22nd, 2010
Gee thanks for the response and appreciate it. yes i do agree to talk but my husband has never been a great participant in this..i've tried but failed so just accepted that would not be part of our relationship. hes a mans man type person and a mans man does not talk about feelings. Yes possibly my fault in being overly exhausted emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually as a result of my loss. But i dont accept that. Now now why now and yes there are huge issues that he knows about be refuses to talk about.. thats him. I don't know how to break his barriers.
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replied November 2nd, 2010
Your loss has just floored me. I am sitting here with tears flowing. Wow. I am so sorry. Some things are always going to be out of our control...like life & death, but I think that when it comes to your husband and the signs you are seeing in his behavior, you may have more control over the situation than you realize. His behavior is definitely a red flag and it needs to be handled very carefully. I know how it feels to see calls from other females on your husbands phone. It makes me fightin mad but because they work together...it makes it very hard to know if something is going on. I happen to trust my husband but I am not naive either. My eyes are always open. I have learned that how I react to what he does makes a big difference. That may be the hardest thing to do is train ourselves how to react the right way to their actions. The things that we do and say...can actually change the things that they do and say into positive actions,that will help the relationship instead of hurt it. I've been married for 20 years now and I have seen that anytime I was the one pulling away, he was the one trying to smoother me, and when I feel him pulling away...I find myself being more needy. Strange how that happens. I am not an expert but I do have life experience and love my books that lift me up and guide me when I need good advice. I think that T Dub can give you some good direction with your husband. I found TW Jackson a few years ago and have come to respect him deeply. He's been a wonderful mentor and friend in my life and my marriage. He has help thousands of people reconnect and deal with their relationship issues. His approach is very different and a little backwards but he has helped thousands of couples. His goal in Life is to help relationships. I hope you will finds some good advice here. God Bless you and I wish you and your family all the best.
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replied November 2nd, 2010
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Hi Jamieleaha and welcome to ehealth: The loss and trauma you have gone through is rough...I know this story of life very well...However, during these times of stress you can either cling to your loved one and get closer or get lost in your own grief and kind of wallow in sorrow...Honey, I know where you are...

Breaking his barriers may be difficult...He has found someone to listen to him and he is no longer a middle age man not being listened to, but a man....How do you break this barrier?....You are a woman and should know this...Whatever she is doing to bring him to her you can do too...I have always said that a man is a man is a man....And you my dear friend are a lady....I wish you well....

Caroline
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replied March 24th, 2011
hmmmm first off i would like to say that i am so sorry for all this sad loss in your life husband playing up is the last thing you need .
as a male i can see his pattern yes hes gearing up to be unfaithfull i dont belive this has happened yet but my advice to you ..cold sharp shock ..confront him with your concerns you dont have to mention his phone ..in this case say he mentioned amanda in his sleep* a thing most guys dread* and ask about amanda all the time ..i dont need to tell you how to play this one realy do i .
i think once hes confronted with the truth that you know he will then try to make it up to you and your prob for the mean time is solved .
the deeper issue of why hes looking somewere else is something you both are going to have to be honest with and comunicate on
for yours and the kids sake
gl to you take care
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