Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

I have feelings for a guy, but he told me he was abusive

I met this guy at work in and we started hanging out lots for the past 6 months... and I began to really like him.
He is probably the greatest guy that I've ever met, he was such a gentlemen, did all the right things, always made me laugh and he was just really nice to me. So we hung out lots and I began to question myself why he hasn't asked me out and I noticed he has never really touched me - at all (which is fine, but throughout out 8 months of friendship, I dont recall him even just touching my arm) At frist I just thought we were really good friends but a guy and a girl are never just really 'good friends', and hangout like 3 times a week. It just didn't feel like a normal guy/girl friend type of hang out, or at least thats what I thought. He was like a boyfriend without the title.
Anyhow, I thought this guy was worth it for me to tell him that I had feelings for him (this is the first time that I've ever done that) and so I did. I told him that I liked him and that even though nothing happens I wish that our friendship will remain the same. I sent him that message the day I went on a 5 day vacation and when I came back we had a talk.
He told me that his last girlfriend left him because he got abusive... and I was completely shocked. I've never ever saw him get mad, not once. The abuse wasn't constant, it happened twice over 3 year relationship. He got concelling afterwards and he feels terrible and knew he deserved the girl leaving him. Anyway, we had a long heart-to-heart talk, basically he said he doesn't know and doesn't want to be in a relationship bc it is unfair to the other party.
And bc I was in complete shock and I'm 10 years younger than him, I didn't really know what to say.
Even though he has abusive, I think I would still want to be in a relationship with him... I think that if I have said something encouraging, he might have considered it. Maybe sometime down the road, I might tell him that I want to help him.
But will I just end up getting myself in trouble? Am I setting myself up for a trap?
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replied July 7th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
YES. Abuse is abuse. If he says he is an abuser, then believe him and run like He-l! You can't change them, no matter what you do.
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replied July 8th, 2009
Anyone can change. With abuse it is no doubt less likely to happen, and usually not even worth chancing it, but to say there never is change is just not right. Now if you mean "you" as in kandiapple, can't change him, I'm with you on that 100% raven53.

kandiapple, if he thinks he is abusive he's further along than the majority of people. Avoiding relationships isn't an effort to change though. If he was inclined to change I would expect that he actually try something other than relationship avoidance. This is for him to do and you should have no part of any effort at his change.

Any relationship with him I think you would be a big disservice to you and it's likely you would be opening yourself up to some huge future problems. Besides, he's giving you warning, listen to him, do not take the chance.

Count yourself lucky you are on notice now. Just read some of the stories from the people who have been abused and have posted on the forums. Most stories are similar, and none of them are happy stories...
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replied July 8th, 2009
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In my opinion, I think if he is so afraid of getting into another relationship he has probably been in more trouble with abusive relationships than he is telling you. Take his warning and keep your distance.
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replied July 8th, 2009
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i dont understand what you mean when you said he doesnt want to get into a relationship because he doesnt think it's fair to the other party.
is he still in love with his ex and hoping she would come back?
is there more to the story on his part? i think a typical guy wouldve pressed you already.
but i would just be his friends, some guys are better friends than lovers.
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replied July 8th, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
That is exactly what I meant, Brokeninside...many women think they can change a guy, and they find out differently. Abuse takes therapy. Sometimes LOTS of therapy. It sounds to me like this guy full well knows how abusive her really is...If I were her, I'd stay FAR away from him while she is still all in one piece...
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replied July 9th, 2009
ServiceU: He said that its not fair to the other party because there is a chance that he'll be abusive towards her. I haven't heard the girls side of the story, he didn't say much about what she had done wrong, but he suspected that the girl was cheating during the last bit of the relationship. He doesn't know why he did it and sadly, he can't guarentee that he won't do it again.

Thank you all for the great advice, I really appreciate it. Brokeninside, I really liked your post.

And yes, Raven53 alot of women do think they can change men but its rarely possible. I think my hopes for him to change is really high because I keep thinking he's different. He had all the... 'husband material' qualities until he told me he was abusive.
Maybe he's just nice to me to balance out the guilt that he has inside of him.
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