Medical Questions > Mental Health > Depression Forum

I hate myself, feeling very desperate

Hello everyone,

I coincidentally found this forum and have no idea if this is the right place to talk about my problem. I'm sorry if I'm wrong here. I had doubts about asking for help in the net but decided to try it after all.
I always felt uncomfortable with myself, already as a kid. Back in those days I was always hoping for better times and that I'm gonna change. Now I'm 18 and still feel the same. I hate everything about me. The way I am, the way I look. Someday I realised that I can't go on like that anymore, either I want to die or I wanna change my life for the better, actually get a life at all. I feel like a zombie...I don't feel that bad all the time, sometimes it's better but the general situation is terrible.
After realising that something must change, I wanted to understand why I feel so bad. I realised something. My parents argue a lot and very heavy and always did that way. They already did that in front of my siblings and me when we were kids, my dad also got violent sometimes. The most horrible thing is- nothing changes. My mom's a very sweet person, in some ways too much. My father is a martyr but so far my mother never had the strength to finally quit.
The thing is, the relation between my father and me is bad. The more I grew up the more I started arguing with my father too and not only my mom anymore. He called me very nasty names and some weeks ago almost got violent to me, but I quickly took some steps backward. When he realises my mom is about to leave him, he always starts being nice. He knows he is totally lost without my mom since he isn't able to do anything by himself. I've come to realise that all those years seeing what he did to us, especially to my mom, might be a reason for the way I feel. I don't have any respect for him anymore. As a child I wasn't able to realise but now I think what he does is psychological terror.
I fear that all this has driven me totally insane. I cannot look in the mirror anymore without getting depressed because I can't identify with the person I see in the mirror. I hate my face, maybe because I see all the similarities to my father. I feel so disgusting. It's not only my face, also my body and as I already said the whole way I am.
When I see pictures of myself, I mostly am SO shocked. I feel like I'm the ugliest person in the world. And old teacher of mine once said that parents who argue a lot in front of their children causes them to be insecure and anxious. I so often tried to overcome all this. With 18 I didn't even have a boyfriend so far, I'm so shy. I never really got bullied but haven't got any compliments either. Never a guy showed really interest to me, but I anyway feel like I'm not worth it. Zero self confidence. My self-hate blocks me to care about anything else, I let myself totally go , social and optical. Can't go on living, I don't feel worth enough to live my life and make something out of me. I go in a distance to my friends, I'm nothing I'd want to be and am afraid I never will. Some of my "friends" seem like they notice how weak I am and use me for themselves feeling better.
And I feel so ashamed about my thoughts because I noticed some other VERY terrible thing. My father originally comes from Greece. Sometimes I feel like I refuse Greece and don't wanna get in touch with it. I don't have any problem at all with Greeks per se. It's just that I think I feel so uncomfortable with it because I can't identify with it but feel like I actually should. As a child I felt like I'm disappointing my father cause I can't speak Greek but he never teached me or really introduced me to the culture. I don't blame him for that cause he used to have a lot of stress but HE is now blaming me for not being interested in it though I haven't even said it like that to him. To some people I haven't even mentioned that I've greek roots. I just haven't thought about telling them...If they'd have asked about my father I of course had told them but we never had a topic like that. Nevertheless I'm worried about that now, maybe because of what my father said to me. PLEASE don't get me wrong, I'm not a racist or something like that, I once was very afraid that I might am, I cried a lot and hated myself even more because I had that theory but I tried to analyse myself and then thought I maybe just don't wanna have anything in common with him. The weirdest thing is, my sister seems to be the exact opposite, she loves everything greek, always is on the side of my father though there definitely is no reason to support him. My brother used to be like me too I think, now he is neutral.
All this sounds insane and it bothers me to death. Maybe it's over interpreted, I don't know. The only thing I know is I am so sick of this life. I could go on and on now, all this is so complex, many bad things happened...Please don't be rude to me, I know I seem like a monster but at least I am aware of that...it costs me quite some effort to write about all that...I wish somebody could cheer me up and give an advice, help me..I probably need a therapy but I feel so not ready for that at the moment. Please, I seriously need help!
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replied February 2nd, 2010
Experienced User
Wow I just typed fr an hour and you did NOT get the post. Feel free to send me a message.
I am thinking about you:-)
Warmest Wishes,
bamm
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replied February 4th, 2010
Community Volunteer
I would say stop thinking about your parents...Start thinking about you...Think of what you want to do in life...Forget your heritage...This part of you doesn't make you either a better or worse person...I hated my Father too...When I was just 5 and had to stay in bed for 6 months he threw my Mother across the kitchen...I remember her crying and my crying for it to stop....I wish they had divorced, but it is life...I survived just as you can survive...As I grew I learned to set myself free...Met a man that I adored and blossomed with him...Honey, I could go on and on about life and stories about my family, but why?....It is us that we must think about....What you are going to do with your life and what I did....Move away if you want to...Find yourself a better life and don't spend the rest of your days trying to solve all the problems of their world...Now its your turn to live...Good luck....I send you my love...

Caroline
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replied February 4th, 2010
You don't get to pick your parents ,some of us get great ones and some don't . Know one tells you how to raise a child , you sort of have to play it by ear. SO start by realizing that you are very very special in this world quite unique really because there is no one else exactly like you in the billions and billions of people in this world . So you are special and think of yourself that way. Think of something that you love , Animals? if so volunteer to help at a rescue for animals , or music, Get a job doing something and take music lessons. Save a little money probably $100.00 and take a class at a community college at night and start a conversation with the person who sits next to you. Like "Is this the first course you've taken?" Get a new hair do by somebody who knows what they are doing , then go to a big store and get one of those free make up jobs done because they want you to buy the product. Then look in the mirror and see the new you and begin your life from that moment forward. We are all here for a reason, its as if we were all in line and other people walk down that line and if you are missing and there is only an empty spot , then all the people who are meant to know you and receive something from you as we travel through life will miss out on getting that important piece of information or the joy of knowing you, therefore stop thinking ngative thoughts and dwell on the positives instead. You can o
always go and speak with a social worker at a hospital and she could direct you to where you could talk to some one without costing money or a lot of money . Say positive things toyourself even if you don't believe them as your sub-conscious feeds the brain infor matiom and your sub -conscious does not know if you are lying or not . So the brain will take in all the good things you say and your body will respond , like "I have beautiful skin , it glows " Say that every morning and watch as your skin slowly takes on that glow , It might take awhile but it will happen. Also if you smile it make a chemical in your brain release . The chemical is endorphins , they are the fell good chemicals and they are more powerful than street drugs . Try it Smile more often , people will smile back . you'll see. good luck
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replied February 5th, 2010
Experienced User
I just see another case of cultural crash, father Greek he is used to see strong male figures, while female is passive, the German culture is more than female and male are equal, I never met a bad looking Greek so your father have to be good looking, you mother could be beautiful I know some German girls amazingly beautiful so the chances that your mother is ugly are minimal so I know you are not ugly, but you compare yourself with others and when you do that you loose. I think you need to get out more from home get a job somewhere and try to understand your parents they have difficult times just keeping the family and the house, do chores around the house, involve your siblings to do chores too. Go to the mall or the theater with your parents You Pay. Keep busy do not argue with neither of them, when a conversation is getting hot. Just excuse yourself and leave, be respectful of your parents they are your parents not your friends. Do not talk about the family problems with friend or people out of the family they are going to see you in a negative light. Well I hope I was able to helpl. ciao.
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replied February 5th, 2010
Your not a bad person first of all. We all need to get things out. Your father might of had some bad things happen to him in life that he never got out and is now doing what may have been done to him at a time. He needs help. You on the other hand might want to see a therapist to get things out at least. Try writing and keeping a journal. You probably hate yourself because of all the abuse. Actually scratch that. You do because of all the abuse. It is not you. I was shy too. I felt as though I wasn't good enough until I realized I was abused as a child. It can do a number on you psychologically. You have to realize it is not your fault that you hate yourself. I can see you beat yourself up for the littlest things even on your post. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. I hope you realize that you are worth it. Give yourself a break already. You've dealt with a lot and you're still here.
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replied February 5th, 2010
I also had parents who argued all the time. It definitely makes you feel bad as a child. Growing up, I had similar feelings as you do: anxious, depressed, lonely, scared, ashamed, self-conscious, always apologizing, very attentive to people's feelings or if they notice me. Anyways, I learned from it all that after moving out of the house and growing up myself (i am now 27), that things get much much better. I grew more confident. I have a boyfriend and an apartment and a job. These things give you more of a sense of security and it is good to not see your parents fighting anymore. Just know things get better! Antidepressants might help you until then. So does working out. Best Wishes! You are not alone <3
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replied February 8th, 2010
Experienced User
keltic wrote:
You don't get to pick your parents ,some of us get great ones and some don't . Know one tells you how to raise a child , you sort of have to play it by ear. SO start by realizing that you are very very special in this world quite unique really because there is no one else exactly like you in the billions and billions of people in this world . So you are special and think of yourself that way. Think of something that you love , Animals? if so volunteer to help at a rescue for animals , or music, Get a job doing something and take music lessons. Save a little money probably $100.00 and take a class at a community college at night and start a conversation with the person who sits next to you. Like "Is this the first course you've taken?" Get a new hair do by somebody who knows what they are doing , then go to a big store and get one of those free make up jobs done because they want you to buy the product. Then look in the mirror and see the new you and begin your life from that moment forward. We are all here for a reason, its as if we were all in line and other people walk down that line and if you are missing and there is only an empty spot , then all the people who are meant to know you and receive something from you as we travel through life will miss out on getting that important piece of information or the joy of knowing you, therefore stop thinking ngative thoughts and dwell on the positives instead. You can o
always go and speak with a social worker at a hospital and she could direct you to where you could talk to some one without costing money or a lot of money . Say positive things toyourself even if you don't believe them as your sub-conscious feeds the brain infor matiom and your sub -conscious does not know if you are lying or not . So the brain will take in all the good things you say and your body will respond , like "I have beautiful skin , it glows " Say that every morning and watch as your skin slowly takes on that glow , It might take awhile but it will happen. Also if you smile it make a chemical in your brain release . The chemical is endorphins , they are the fell good chemicals and they are more powerful than street drugs . Try it Smile more often , people will smile back . you'll see. good luck


Keltic,
This really does work. I have done many things with the power of the mind. Plus all these other steps are exactally what I was typing to you before. Please keep us posted as the begining of who you developes. We all like good news. You can do so much. Once you grow into yourself then everything else will fall into place.
I would also add that I was able to do a lot of heaing of my spine many years ago through this brain conversation style. I ended up becoming a hard body as a result of it. I now am doing it all over (I did too much and hurt my back again) so I can heal myself to the best of my abality.
Note; there is NOT 1 neroligyst in the world that knows the true power of the brain. It is so very powerful. Keep thinking positive. You ARE here for a reason and you will affect many people in your life. Everyone serves a pourpose on this planet. Find yourself and it will find you with many a reward in the process.
Warmest Wishes,
bamm
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replied February 10th, 2010
Experienced User
So what if your parents argue? this teach you not to do it when you are married with children... that's all is proved some couples argue as a prelude to have sex. Did you think about this. Because sex is an aggressive behavior too.
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replied February 10th, 2010
in all honesty, I dont realise anything....my life is nothing more then a warning to others, I hate my life and everything about it....I havent felt happy in over two decades..and when I did it was for no more then a day or so..but the self loathing lasts for months at a time
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replied March 13th, 2010
Dear all of you,

Gosh. I can't tell how thankful I am for all of your replies. I'm sorry it took me so long for visiting this page again and reply. Once again I haven't had great times the last days at all and also I was pretty anxious of what people are going to say about my post and thought maybe it wasn't a good idea to post here. Now I read your replies and really want to give you all a big big thank you, I never expected such great understanding and encouragement. I hope and think writing about it was sort of a first step for me. Gonna read all your replies once again when I can concentrate better. I still feel like sh*t, it's like the earth rotates and rotates and everything and everyone is moving on while I am sleeping. I hope I'm gonna wake up now and hang on.
I'm gonna try visiting this site more regulary now and if I will be able to develop myself, gonna write it down here...in case somebody reads about my first post and interested in what will happen to my situation. Thanks again, to all of you. You all seem to be amazing people! Really, big thank you.

Lots of love
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replied March 13th, 2010
I would say stop thinking about your parents...Start thinking about you



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replied July 27th, 2010
Hah I know how you feel. Like you are uncomfortable around others and like all the humans got together for some meetings that you missed. Like they are all in on something that you are unaware of.
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