I don\'t know what to do....my husband and I have been together for 16 years and married 9 years. We have a 3 and a 1 yr old. I hate him, I can\'t stand to look at him, I hate having sex with him, I constantly daydream about my life without him. He is so emotionally abusive, I\'m too embarrassed to say what he says to me. Here\'s the problem.....the thought of me being away from my kids half of their life for the next 15-18 years makes me want to vomit. I would rather be miserable until they move out. I don\'t want to miss a second in their life but I\'m beyond miserable.
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replied June 5th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

You are clearly a master of brevity. You have communicated your feelings admirably and in a very small space.

The readers of these pages are unlikely to be shocked by anything written here. If unburdening yourself further might provide you with therapy then you are urged to set your embarrassment aside and write further...

You are clearly a very strong woman. The course of inaction you have set yourself will take all of that strength and more.
Your strength and resolve is something I admire and marvel at even though I detect undertones of despair and resignation.

I very much question your wisdom though. Do you think it is quite wise to do what you say you are going to do? Not only because by the time the kids are grown and flown you could be completely conditioned and unable to leave or you might have finally snapped and be serving a life sentence; not only because of those strong possibilities but also is it fair to raise kids in such an atmosphere of discontent and discord?

Even if they are unaware of the abuse just now it won't be long before they do pick up on it and it could easily condemn them to a lifetime of similar serial behaviour by becoming natural victims of abuse or abusers themselves. Such things are not only possible but likely!

I am sorry to say it but I have to tell you your first duty must be to your children and their welfare and education and that means you must be the best role model for them it is possible for you to be. They don't need a role model with no self-respect or pride or one that doesn't demand a high standard of behaviour and manners from her partner.

You must not allow them to grow up in such an atmosphere if an alternative can be found. What you want for yourself must be secondary.

I suggest you consult a lawyer and find what your exact legal position is. Whether you must leave and take the children or whether you can force your husband to leave. What sort of child support and maintenance or welfare support you can expect and what custody and access arrangements are likely.

From the little you have written so far it is clear you have little choice but to separate and as it is not a young marriage it is probably a case of the sooner the better especially considering the ages of the children.
Clearly nine years ago he was a man you wanted to marry. Nine years ago he was a man you could live with. Just now you find him intolerable. Separating might concentrate his mind enough to at least improve his manners towards you if nothing else.

I hope you can see the wisdom in what I say and find the strength to make the changes you need to make. Please come back again if you need to discuss this any further or if you have anything to add.

Good luck!
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