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I hate my family and my life (long post, sorry)

This is a very strange situation I am in. I'm in an extremely dysfunctional family. I feel like they're destroying my life. I feel like my life is totally destroyed.

My mother is a first generation immigrant who overloads herself with work for I don't even know what reason. She can't read or write very well and most of the time it's like she doesn't even know what she's doing. She can barely use e-mail and text message.

Though I respect her as my mother and I know she works hard to support herself and our family, I absolutely hate her as a person. We don't talk at all despite living in the same house. In fact, we get along best if we have as little contact with each other as possible.

It's impossible for me to have any kind of normal conversation with her. I'm not sure if it's because she has a mental disability because it goes way beyond something like a language barrier since I can communicate with other people who are ESL just fine. And you know what, that's fine. If I never had talk to her for the rest of my life, I'd be grateful. She makes my life frustrating.

My older brother is equally dysfunctional and has autism. I get along better with him than my mother, but because of his disability, we still don't communicate very well. And, as expected, there's not a lot that he can do either.

Both of them are reliant on me for extremely basic things that frankly, they should be able to do themselves, to the point where it's crippling my life. I can't hold a job because I'm expected to help out at my mother's small business with an extremely erratic schedule. I can't move out because my mother said she'd kill herself if I did. Anything I do is automatically second when they need something from me. It's gotten to the point where several times I've contemplated suicide because I wonder if it's too late to fix things so I can live on my own.

I've wanted to move out and live on my own ever since I graduated high school. I've expressed interest several times and even saved up money for it. At one point I even ran away from home for a few years. I moved back because my mother called me up in tears and told me that she was struggling and that my brother had gone into really deep depression because I left. I know now I shouldn't have, but I moved back with them.

And now here I am, 25, with no job and no college degree. I'm still living at home taking care of both of them. I tried going back to school when I moved back home, but I couldn't balance school and them. On top of that, I guess over the years of emotional abuse, I've developed social anxiety. I'm functional, but I absolutely hate being around people.

And I guess I'm functional now is the key term and only sort of. When I stopped schooling, I was in a state where I couldn't read (I'd stare at pages for hours and not be able to understand anything) and just being around people made me feel sick to the point where I'd throw up. I spent three-four months studying on my own in a public library and forcing myself to go to public places to get back to being mostly functional.

And before anyone says I'm lazy, I had a 3.7 GPA before symptoms started showing up. Originally I went to school away from home and I was doing great, but I'd start developing anxiety, avoidance habits, and symptoms of depression whenever it came to time where I'd have to leave the dorms and go home. I thought it was the stress of travelling far, but when I transferred to a closer university I realized that the issue was my home life.

I did see a therapist and a support group, but the funny thing about treatment for social anxiety is that it still requires you to interact with people. I tried, but I fell back into avoidance habits.

I just can't bring myself to trust people face to face and I imagine them judging and secretly laughing at me or think that I'm not communicating with them well. This makes me feel like I want to hide, so I spend much of my time on my own. I'm scared of bringing attention to myself because I have low self-esteem. I function normally by basically play acting. I pretend that I'm wearing some kind of disguise or that I'm interacting with robots or aliens.

But that I'm even at this point is a very clear indication of how destroyed my life is. What should I even do now? What options are open to me? Are there even options for me? Please. I want to fix this.
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replied August 24th, 2013
I don't know what country you're in or what options are available to you, but if there is a Health Department or low income clinic or any place that helps low income people with things like food or electricity, contact them and ask them if they know of any psychologists who help people who are low income. Since you're unemployed, that is what you would need.

If you can't work because of your mental health, you should apply for disability or SSI, if you're in the US. I don't know what it's called in other countries, but there should be something that you can apply for to help you pay your own bills and get treatment for your problems.
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