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I hate me husband's ex girlfriend please help me!

I met the man of my dreams and have been married for 9 years but can not get over the jealousy I have for his ex girlfriend. When I first met my husband everyone called me by, let's just call her V,his exes name including his friends and family.When I told my husband I loved him when were dating at first he told me he couldn't tell me he loved me back because his love for a girl had been raped !My husband told me she was prettier than me when we were dating and says that he just said that because he thought I was asking if she was skinnier than me and that made me hate myself for years! One time his family saw her at bed bath and beyond and I ask hi s grandmother about it and told her I didn't care and her reply was you can't besides you already have a child by someone else and right before that she ask me if I knew V and went on to say how she was such a cute girl! That hurt so bad! The thing that hurt me the most was when we got married his family payed for us to go to Hawaii with them so we could get married there and the day before my wedding his father came up to me and repeated my wedding vows and replaced my name with V's and this hurt me and devestated me so bad . I was so happy that we lived away from her and now she has moved close to where we live and works next to the store I go to often and now I have to worry about running into and I have just lost it. I had a nightmare about seeing her and my husband talking to her without telling me and the next morning I called where she worked and talked to her manager that my mom knows and lied and told her I went to highschool with V and was wondering if v still worked there and she told me that she moved to the Bossier store and I felt so sick and to make sure it was true I called the bossier sore and they said she would be in at 5:00 and I was pretending that I needed help with sheets so they would tell me when she worked. I contacted V on face book and I told her how bad I hatred it that she was moved to the bossier store and told her everything that I had been through and that if I could I would blow my head off because I was so upset and didn't want to worry about seeing her when I go out and told her everything I have been through and that it would be a very wise decision for her if she saw my husband that she avoid him and she jumped all over her manager from the other store for telling me where she worked at which is my mom's friends daughter.That lady called my mom and started yelling at her because she's afraid that her daughter will lose her job for telling where V works and that if she does she will call my work from now on where ever I work and tell them that I'm not trustworthy!This hurts me so bad and she also said she never wants to see me or talk to me again.That night I drove to her work and tried to watch her get into her car when she got off to see what she drove so I would know her car when I see it and could avoid going where she is if I see it and I think I saw her I feel so horrible I am sick .Last night I took four of my heart pills hoping I would go into cardiac arrest and starting slicing my wrist at the park at 1:30 this morning but it hurt to much for me to cut my self so I couldn't cut deep enough or make myself actually sever my vain and main artery in my wrist .I also have two children and do not want to leave them. I just feel so hurt and lost and so alone like i'm in a room by myself .i mostly slept today but I still feel terrible and trying to cope ! I feel like no one cares about me or what I've been through or how I was treated the day before my wedding .My husband never took up for me when his father abused me that day by what he did to me and that has ate ate and ate at me for 9 years now he also never took up for me when his father tried to touch me sexually and said nasty things to me and that has hurt me to and his reason was that he was scared of his dad. I feel so lost and just want someone to care about the pain and suffering I've been through but I don't feel like anyone including my mom who has not been very supportive during all of this really does and it hurts so much to feel like your not worth more than that in this world.Someone please help me ! I am on the verge of just losing it .I don't want to work .I don't want to drive I just want to get a hotel room and sleep for three days.I want this pain to go away so bad and I want my life back if that's possible .Please help me someone!
I hate h
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replied January 29th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
Hello,

I am sorry you didn't get a reply straight away.

You have certainly worked yourself up into a bit of a state. I expect you feel emotionally exhausted.
That is what happens when a person's mind is like a hamster on an exercise wheel going around and around on a journey to nowhere.
The stress builds up and you don't rest properly and so your mind gets increasingly tired and your thoughts then become increasingly irrational. Things start seeming like good ideas and solutions but if you were rested and thinking straight you would know they weren't good ideas at all.

As you say a few ill-chosen or vindictive words have eaten away at you for years.

You need to rest and you need to be able to think clearly.

You didn't say anything about your life before you met your husband and married or how old you are but I expect your earlier life has something to do with why your confidence was so shaken by those remarks. It sounds as though your mother is a more practical no-nonsense sort of a woman who can't understand or tolerate a person's finer emotions and the problems they bring. I expect that is why she hasn't been very supportive.

Nearly everyone has had previous boyfriends or girlfriends before they finally settle down. I expect you have had a few boyfriends before you married and I expect you have known men who were more handsome than your husband.
There is no reason therefore for you to be jealous of your husband's ex-girlfriend except as a target for your own insecurity. Whether she really is prettier than you or not makes no difference and is certainly no guarantee of quality. If he wanted to be with her he would not now be married to you so it is clear he chose you.

Your "jealousy" must have affected your relationship with your husband and I expect it has put some pressure on it. I hope he is an understanding man because your state of mind is likely to have stopped you being the good wife he married?
You should have told him all this because if he doesn't know what has been steadily driving you mad he might feel you don't love him any more and that could really destroy things for you.

I don't know why his family preferred her to you. It is possible they don't know the details of why they broke up and simply drew their own conclusions and blamed you. Perhaps she didn't mind being groped by his father.
If you weren't already feeling insecure I am sure you would have felt differently about those remarks and wouldn't have needed to shift your feelings of inadequacy in the way you did.
Certainly his family don't seem much of a bargain.

I don't know what caused it all to finally become too much to bear with dignity but you made some bad decisions even though I can see how they would have seemed good solid ideas to you at the time but if you had possessed the patience then to think things through you would have seen they weren't such great ideas after all.
One day when you are feeling rested and your mind is working well again you will have some bridges to build so you can reclaim your dignity and self-respect.

I think you are right and you are on the verge of a breakdown because of emotional exhaustion and possibly depression. I think you should go to your doctor without delay and explain as much as he has the patience to listen to and ask for his help.
You must be completely honest and tell him you became so desperate you made two half-hearted attempts at suicide. I think medication will help you to recover but as you obviously have a heart condition it is important your own doctor prescribes any medication. Such medication generally takes a while to work so you must be patient.

You must also be completely honest with your husband because you need his support. If possible you need at least a couple of weeks away to rest and lick your wounds and divert your mind so if there is a friend or relative you can stay with who could look after you that would be great.

Currently more than a third of the population will suffer from a mental illness at some time in their life. There is no shame in admitting to anyone what you are going through; most people will understand and the ones who don't have an opinion that isn't worth a light.
Being honest with others will force you to be honest with yourself and that is very important in order to make a good recovery.

In due course when you have rested a little you should have a few sessions with a good psychologist to help you sort your thoughts out and to try and discover why your insecurity became first a jealousy fixation and then an obsession.
It is good therapy and will help later if you start to empty your head onto paper and write your thoughts down. Start keeping a diary for a while to keep track of your progress; it is always encouraging to be able to look back and see how some days are better than others and how the better days begin to outnumber the bad ones.

Through it all try and eat properly and keep active. find some absorbing activity to divert yourself with. If you have a religious background this might be a good time to try and draw strength from it.

So many visitors to this site will understand what you are going through just now; I care and all those others care and I am sure we all want you to know the pain does stop and it is possible to be well again. It takes time and patience but it will take less of both if you are sensible from now on.

It might help if you find yourself a copy of the Desiderata, a short verse that contains much wisdom and recognises human frailty. A great many people have drawn strength and reassurance from it.

Next time your father-in-law tries to touch you inappropriately I strongly suggest you slap him heartily across the face and scream blue murder or if you aren't feeling that energetic just give him a swift kick in the balls or better still give him two to make up for last time...

I wish you good luck and a speedy recovery. Please come back again sometimes if you wish and tell us how things are with you.
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