This is the only way i can get my frustrations out into the open. My wife,friends and family don't know how i feel.

I am at a very low point in my life at the moment. I hate this planet, and i hate myself. I am not very good at putting stuff into words, so please forgive me.

I am 34 and i live in Brighton with my wife. There is something wrong with me, and i don't know what it is. I have mood swings. Sometimes i just feel happy, with no reason, and then i feel low.

I have been living in Brighton for a years. I still have not fount a job. The reason for this, is i always mess up and do stupid things. My mind is always busy, and i can't concentrate well at all. And to be honest, i don't know what to do with my life, and i have always felt that way.

I decided to do online studying about 2 years ago, and its taking me forever to do it. The thing is, when i study, i don't take any of it in! I read the page, get to the bottom, and realise my mind wondered. I try and tell myself to concentrate, but it does not work.

I am under so much pressure. I feel like i am letting my wife down. I don't even want to do this course now (IT web design course) and i know im going to fail.

I am just not good at anything, nothing at all! I played the guitar when was younger, self taught. I could not even name you a chord. I have an interest in the paranormal, but i could not go into detail about a good case.

Its getting to the point where i am thinking about suicide even more. I just hate myself, and i feel my wife could do alot better than me.

I am still a dreamer, and i feel i just don't fit into this world. I see the problems around the world, as i am good at seeing the bigger picture, and i hate it here, i feeling like i should not be here!

The only thing i could say i am good at is listening to people, and giving people good advice. I am a very emotional person, and consider myself a good person. I just want the best for this planet, and for the people i love.

People say i come across as intelligent, but i know i am not. I hide this from everyone because i like to be strong for people around me, esp my wife.

I cry almost every day. I see nowhere out for me. I went to see my doctor about four years ago. I finally built up the courage to do this. He just me to see a Psychologists. I am good at reading people, and straight away he made me feel nervous. I got the feeling he was just doing his job, and did not really care. I told him about my problems with concentrating, and how it was making me depressed. He asked me for proof. My mind just went blank. He wanted proof from people who know me, and could say that what i was saying was true.

In the end he just said my Intelligence was lower than normal people. When i got home, i just cried! I did not tell my wife this. Since then, i seem to be getting worse.

I am just rubbish at everything. I could not even pass my driving because my lack of concentration was Dangerous.

Latley i have been praying and hoping that i could get a disease that would kill me. I am just tired, and so tired, and i don't know what to do.

I do feel like something is not right with me, and it has nothing to do with low Intelligence. But then i think, what if he was right, and that is the case, and all the things i want to do, i will never be able to do.

I still don't really know how to put my thoughts out like this, i just find it hard.
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replied October 29th, 2010
Experienced User
Hello Morrison1976,

First of all, excellent choice for not only expressing what's going on inside you, but using this site, it is quite helpful if you choose to open up, as you have.

I can understand you feeling like your psychologist may not have completely cared or understood you. Remember that his words do not define who you are, only you truly know who you are and what you're capable of.

Also, keep in mind that he is a person of service to you, and if you were not happy with his service go elsewhere, to another psychologist for your own benefit.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, because until you're on the mend, you probably won't feel like your whole self.

Take care of yourself first and foremost and keep us posted.
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replied November 1st, 2010
Hi Morrison1976
my name is chris and i feel i am similar to you
i am only 25 i have a wife and son 20 months old
i also saw a doctor for concentration issues
he treated me like i was drug seeking asking how i preformed at work with concentration problems
(i worked for my father-in-law) though concentration problems occured a lot becuase i didn't lose my job i guess he assumed i did not need medication

though i didn't make it to high school period (my parents weren't on the ball and didnt have me see any type of doctor during childhood either) they just assumed i was stupid i think? haha

i hate the world i see the people i see
i do not have confidence issues i look people in the face and they look away rarely i meet people who will look me in the eye i long for death a lot, not suicidal only because of my wife and son
really i just want to die it seems to me the only way to really be released from this wretched place is death

focusing has always been a problem there are things i can focus on for short amounts of time, i love cars
there are some things you can focus on right? what are your interests?

they may call what we have an attention disorder but i think maybe its more we aren't doing what were supposed to be doing in life nothing grabs our brain's attention

lets say a man whose family line was all warriors up until him do you think he would be satisfied with life as it is peacefully? i do believe there is such a thing as bloodline heritage, i do not know my bloodline(never met my father, and mother well.. might as well not have)it seems i am lost adrift and need to grab onto something real to hold on to

well i read your post and had to reply i don't use these forums so good luck to you and i hope you find something real someday
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replied November 5th, 2010
Thoughts About Depression
My name is depression. I am the animal who prowls at the back of your consciousness waiting to devour any joy that comes into your life. I will drain you of your energy and convince you of your complete worthlessness.

I am more dangerous than any enemy you will ever encounter because I take your mind as well as your body. Unlike other adversaries you may oppose, I am the unseen unheard enemy. My tactics are subtle but devastating. I can take you in a room of a thousand people, and make you feel as though you're totally alone. Hopeless, helpless, useless. These are lies I speak in your consciousness to destroy your self worth. If you give me free reign over your mind, I will destroy you.

I will demoralize you to the point that all those you love are affected by my antics. Then I will begin to convince you that the world would be better off without the likes of you. Give me the opportunity and I will convince you that the only viable option for you is suicide. Then those who have been affected by your mood swings, your sadness, your crying and "depression" will not have to deal with it, and you any longer. The devil has found a strong ally in me for we both desired two utterly tear you down in mind and body.

We are not without our weaknesses though. I can be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and aggreviated by adverse circumstances. Seek professional medical and psychological help and you can weaken or even destroy me. Above all, do not place you're trust in God. He is the enemy of all the work I do to tear down souls and destroy them. Seeking God's help and relying in God's mercy will weaken me and loosen my hold on you. Good sound medical and spiritual help must be avoided at all cost if I am to have control over your life. Because of this I will try to convince you that you are beyond all help and all hope. Believe me and my grip on you will be ever tightened until I destroy you.
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replied October 18th, 2011
I feel the exact same way, i like the paranormal, i feel i dont fit in this world, i have a hard to concentrate, but im only 12.I suck in everything,im weak, stupid and ugly( thats what i think), my mom thinks im a retard seriously, she made me somme test to see if i am, and you know what, people that run the test on me says i am but nobody else thinks i am.I hste myself i want to die, reborn in a different world or reborn stronger.
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replied October 18th, 2011
you see im so not concentrated that i forgot words and also im still 12
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replied June 16th, 2012
RE
It's called Bi-Polar disorder and it is treatable! You may also suffer from ADD or ADHD and that to is treatable!! Go online and do a few tests for these disorders! Please. There is hope!! And you are NOT and I repeat NOT stupid!!
Be well my friend.
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