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I feel like a worthless loser who has pushed everyone away.

I'm going to just be very straightforward and honest here. Let me just start off by saying that I know other peoples problems are worse than mine and I have the utmost respect for their struggles and understand the severity of their issues, I am in no way shape or form disrespecting anyone with my problems but there is an old saying that goes "Everyone is happy in the same way but everyone is stressed for different reasons".

I am 21 going on 22 , I come from a highly educated family from both my mother and fathers side , I have never experienced personal problems with my family and my parents have always looked out for me and that is where the fairytale ends.

My depression goes back a few years , I was a decent student up until the sixth grade then I just got into a phase that eventually would ruin my academic life. Fast forward several years later and here I am , an uneducated worthless loser with no direction in life and no real friends to speak of. I used to be the life of the party but I lost that spark in me once my panic attacks and depression kicked in , I've had a few relationships but those all fizzled out. I used to be top dog , a real fierce competitor in anything i did, I was loud , confident, but its like i woke up one day and a part of me just ceased to exist, a part that is long gone. Anyway i have no social life now , I have lost the ability to make friends or hold a conversation with anyone , My depression is so bad at times that i just walk out of the room from time to time and don't even come back when people are over, I feel like a part of me has died from within , I used to box and contemplated becoming a professional boxer but in time my bones started to become weak and deteriorate due to my mother being bulimic when she was pregnant with me. I was never able to finish my studies and only recently have i applied to get a diploma at age 21 which will take 2 years and God willing i pass ill be entering university at the age of 23/24. My friends who i have no contact with (partly due to me pushing them away) have all graduated and found jobs , some are even married. What hurts is that i feel like a failure who just cant let go, My panic attacks have led me to go into a shell and i think twice before doing anything , Its worse at night when my heart beats like an African tribal mix. I love poetry and short stories , I throw myself into my writing but that's it. I know no girl will ever take me for who i am , no girl wants a worthless loser , were living in a society especially from where im from where girls see the success of a man , they stare and i exchange glances with them but thats as far as it can ever go , i know i have more to offer than any of these douchebags they date intellectually but i just dont have the degrees or the high profile jobs or the cars.

I feel like im finished , I feel like i will never make friends , I feel like i will never find the girl of my dreams , ive let myself down , ive let my family down , what sucks is my cousins have all graduated from yale, mcgill , 2 of my first cousins went to harvard , and one recently graduated from columbia , and look at me..a worthless loser who has become the black sheep of the family, i want to keep writing , i just have nothing left in me . My family is well off but i cant live on my fathers money forever , hes getting old and has health issues and i feel like once he passes away ill be on the street.

I just need some words of encouragement , is there anyone out there who can help? or listen ? For Gods sake i need one soul to talk to , just one who can look me in the eye and tell me they understand.
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replied September 9th, 2013
Its good to keep a journal. and you should try to keep at it if you can . write in every 2 or 3 days. or everyday.

I understand your problem, its just low self esteem, has anyone ever said these all things to you, if no, you are not worth those words, you will find a dream job and everything.

my condition is same I live in fairy tale family, who are at their best, I mastered at 24 but my fairy tale ended there, to be short, now after seven years I have a job and I know who I am and what I wanna do and I know That I deserve a dream boy and dream job , I know that I deserve it.

7 years of fighting, jobless, loveless, father health deteriorating, like banging myself or fighting with the walls, no answers, I felt I go on the streets, I still get scared sometime because of such times, but I am fighting. and I will never give up.

cheerup! lass, Your life is going in good direction now, I also keep a journal.

I suggest you keep at your journal, and write whatever you feel in it,

@i know i have more to offer than any of these douche-bags they date intellectually but i just don't have the degrees or the high profile jobs or the [email protected]

These belong in your diary. its okay. people are like you, they are not from mars.
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replied September 10th, 2013
Thankyou so much MaryM , for taking the time out to reply , i will try to keep my chin up , its not so easy when the world has miles ahead and im so far behind but thankyou Smile
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replied September 15th, 2013
This story reminds me alot of my life expect my family likes to call me a loser and tell me I am nothing no matter how hard I try. My so called friends do it to. Even tho I work two jobs and go to a decent school they all trash me. So one day things will get better and you will be ontop again.
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replied September 16th, 2013
Hey buddy , im sorry to hear , the last thing anyone needs is his/her own family trashing them for their issues , i hope things get better with them , and screw those friends they arent worth it anyway bro , trust me , these same blokes who trash you now will get a rude awakening one day when life humbles them..anyway , thankyou for taking the time out to reply and i pray things get better for you as well and you rise to the top yourself and break free from these chains.
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replied September 18th, 2013
Thank you so much for these encouraging words! I am female and I wish there where more humble and nice guys like you where I live. Your right those friends aren't worth it that's why I stoped talking to them. Since then I been alot happier they call but I don't pick up. Also I hope you are doing well and I to hope things get better for you and just know you are not a loser.
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Users who thank Graylin for this post: MurakamiBlues 
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