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I feel horrible that I can't stand my sister!

I really wish that I could bring myself to like my sister because it upsets me we do not have the relationship sisters are supposed to have!

My sister, even though she is 24 this year, has a competitive streak that she hasn't been able to shake since she hit puberty. I am 23 at the end of the year, so we are 18 months apart and I know that the smaller the age gap the worse it is. I am just getting to the point where I want to cut her off.

She has been responsible for fuelling rumours about my current relationship so that my parents have actually had to intervene and ask me if everything is okay. She informed them that I wasn't drinking as often anymore and that my partner may be controlling my social drinking - this was when I had made a conscious decision to abstain because of health and fitness reasons. I'm not sure how not going out every weekend is a bad thing anyway - not only for health reasons but financially too? My mother now exclaims "It's good to see you are still independent" when I tell her about going out for a friends birthday which irks me - as it sounds as if I have to ask my partner permission when it is not the case at all. She also confronted me a month into my this relationship telling me that she didn't like the person I had become, "my friends had been telling her they were concerned" (I found out this was a blatant lie as they all think my partner is a good guy and never see my sister) and that I shouldn't put too much emphasis on my relationship as it was only my first and we are guaranteed to break up. We've been dating for 4 years to date, have moved in with each other and she's trying to paint a picture that my relationship is doomed. It is incredibly hard trying to justify to people everything is FINE and we have a great relationship. When I was single, she would always tell me that I should "stop sleeping around" and that I was "ruining my reputation", when in reality I was just like any other single woman - I had fun every now and again! It should be noted that my sister is single now and also used to say "when are you going to get a boyfriend, you're 18 and have never had one, it's kind of odd" when she was in a relationship.

A few other incidents include her telling people that I am obsessed about my weight and the gym because I have started body building. I have had to tell people once again that I am fine and I am eating SIX meals day NOT skipping them and that I am just very committed at the moment. Before I started doing this, she would constantly tell me that I have never been the sporty sibling and that she was always a lot more athletic looking than me - which she was - but it was said in a malicious tone. She is also constantly telling me that people refer to her as the more attractive sister and goes into intimate details about our differences and why our differences make her the more attractive. The only difference between us is that I wear little to no makeup unless it is a special occasion and she wears stage make up 24 hours of the day (she sleeps in it!!!) And I respect that because makeup makes her feel confident and she looks great with it on. Other than that we are often mistaken for twins.

I am thankful that I am secure in myself and understand that her negativity about my life stems from her own insecurities. I am just getting to the point where I am going to crack. I have put up with for 10 years and have excused her behaviour because she is my sister. Can anybody relate to this and please tell me it is normal to have to urge to cut your sister out of your life? Her negativity about my life needs to stop and I don't think it's something she is willing to change in herself as I have confronted her about it and she's had the heart to tell me that I am the one with rivalry issues.
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replied April 2nd, 2013
I would cut her off of your life if I was you too.

It really sounds like she's jealous and insecure.

As for as the make up thing I could guess that she only wasn't you to wear make-up because she feels unattractive when you don't (because you've been mistaken as twins before, she may feel people see her when they look at you without make-up).

She just needs to get used to you being independent and confident, and her no longer being the controlling older sister.

maybe taking her out to see a movie or spending 1 on 1 time with her may help?
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replied April 2nd, 2013
Extremely eHealthy

Your sister sounds like one of those people the Desiderata advises us to avoid.

The truth is probably your sister is someone who just opens her mouth and her feelings come tumbling out and mostly her rational brain isn't involved very much. Whatever she expresses an opinion about will be coloured by whatever she is feeling at the time.

As the elder sibling her position of dominance has always been threatened by you and she has always needed to reassure herself and seek the reassurance of others by criticising you; completely ignoring the fact you are different people and not in competition. The things she says are the result of a nervous type reaction or an unbreakable habit and nothing more. Her preoccupation with makeup is surely a related confidence thing indicating she isn't as well-adjusted as she pretends. The very fact she discusses you and expresses opinions about you, in short, gossips about you to third parties tends to reinforce this. Gossip without good reason remains a serious lapse of good manners.

The trouble is when you should have ignored her snipes and jibes you allowed them to go deep enough to become neurotic about them and what other people think because of them.
What she is doing is a form of bullying, though she is probably unaware of the fact.

You can't really cut her out of your life without impacting on family and friends and having a showdown would serve little purpose because her behaviour has become her nature. The only possible way of changing her will be to create false rumours and to counter-gossip about her and yourself. Eventually she will either cut you out or attempt to have a showdown with you - it is then you will have the evidence to support your case; she will know exactly how you feel about her gossiping because she has had a taste of her own medicine.

That is the only reality check I can suggest otherwise you must learn to ignore her defencive comments or simply isolate yourself from her.

You could act the grown-up sister and tell her you have done some research and now you understand about how she subconsciously satisfies her need to remain superior by constantly sniping at you - there is nothing like a little amateur psychoanalysis to provide a talking point.

Good luck!
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replied February 4th, 2014
This sounds pretty similar to my sister. She is 5 years older than me, but she does seem to have a need to prove that she is superior to me. I don't see why she has such a problem; she is married, has two young children and has just bought a house. I'm sure her life has many challenges and hard moments, but she seems to be on track with how she wanted her life to turn out.

My life has never been quite so straight forward, with eating disorders, depression and anxiety complicating things at times. I'm back on track now, with a lovely fianc, a job and the beginnings of savings for our wedding. However, my sister is constantly making negative comments about my life, my fianc and our relationship. She doesn't like that we are living together before marriage, she doesn't like my fianc, she thinks that I am a failure etc. She wants to be my Matron of Honour but she doesn't want me to get married. It is ridiculous.
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