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I feel Alone and I absolutley hate my life.

I really don't know how to begin this. Well, I'm 14. And I know I may seem like some winy teenager but who knows? I don't feel like some whiny teenager. I feel like some self-loathing director trapped inside someone else's body, watching and recording everything the person does. I am always aware of my actions, always paranoid; someone is always watching me. And that person is me. I hate it, my friends are all peppy and sweet and girly and i'm not. They laugh because it's funny, though. I don't dress like them, I don't have the same interests as them, I don't look like them and I don't act like them. I don't like to hang out with them. But they are the only ones at my school I can be friends with. There are other people I'm friends with; I'm not some scary outcast. My one friend left this year (i'm a freshman) to go to an all-girls catholic school. She found new friends. We hang out but she's trying to become more popular there (not as in the bad, concieted way...)

I have friends, I'm accepted but i don't accept myself. I know that sounds cheesey...but dear lord it's so true. I love music, and I love playing my guitar, I'm obsessed with Nirvana and Kurt Cobain but he's dead. I love art and poetry and writing, I hate money and politics. I cannot tell anyone any of my deep feelings because so many people have betrayed me, wouldn't believe me or will turn what I say against me. I have practically no one I can trust, which is so difficult; I used to be so happy all the time, I love pop music and Abercrombie and I fit in and I felt like I fit in, and I wasn't even aware of this, but I now I feel so different on the inside. At home, my mom listens to my feelings but when she gets angry she yells and brings everything up. I used to cry and cry because I wasn't happy and she would listen, but when she got mad she'd yell things like 'Can you try to get anything inside you that is happy and force a smile!?!? Your so grouchy and sad!!' This would make me cry and I'd feel like no one listened to me. NO one does actually.... she finally let me see a phyciatrist, so I could get drugged up and be the perfect daughter again, but we haven't started medication. ANd i don't think i have a chemical inbalance; my life sucks. I hate it, I want to move away from my family and this life and go somewhere peaceful, and turn 18. I have thoughts of suicide, but it's not really that I wan't to die but i want to leave my life and go somewhere different. My life is terrible, I have moved 6 times because of my dad's job, my mom yells at me all the time, I love my brother so much but I think he's bipolar (he's very unhappy, then extremely excited, irritable and fluxuates from energetic to falling asleep) and my 7 year old sister calls me dumb everyday. I'm not dumb; I just don't try as hard as I can, I get good grades (all A's a like 2 or 3 b's). The one guy that ever showed interest in me back, talked to me everyday on Facebook and looked at me during class, said sweet things to me and all of a sudden he stopped contacting me. I don't know who to tell, what to say or what to do....my cheeks are ripped up (on the inside) from chewing them so much, i can't go to bed at night because i can't stop THINKING. I HATE my mind, I think of weird things and I can't stop...i think about everything. Music calms my head but it's only temporary. I'm writing this write now crying, I'm so desperate and I don't know what to do. My friends accept me, guys like me and I get invited to parties and events but I hate it. I want to sit alone and play guitar, no one shares ANY ideas with me and I can't trust anyone. Every friend I know is peppy and girly, and if i mentioned ANYTHING ^^above they would think I was some alien. I'm so lost, there are some girls who I would like to be friends with but I am afraid if they will accept me or not and I don't know how to become closer to them.

Please help....anything. I'm so lost and I hate my life..
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replied April 16th, 2012
i feel the same way, my mom always tell me that i am going to get a rubbish job becasue i don't tey hard enough but i always try hard enough, my own family makes jokes about me and i don't like. My mom says that i am stupid, i have wanted to pack my bags and leave them all coz it is just getting to me. I haven't tryed to talk to anyone (i don't know why). I always spend my time in my room watching the telly or listerning to music, my family also ignors me so most of my time at home it is spent on the computer or in my room.
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replied April 23rd, 2012
I am the mother of a daughter that I believe feels the same way. I do try to listen to her, but no matter what I say she believes that her life is horrible and she cant wait until she turns 18 and can move away. I do love my daughter very much and may not be able to relate the way she is expecting. I have heard and seen first hand nightmares that children have had to live with, there are many people that have lived hell on earth as children and have made it through. I wish my daughter could realize how lucky she has been to have been treated good and her needs met. She says I yell alot too but I get stressed to wanting the best for her. I have also tried to get her to understand that teenage hormones are very manipulative and deceptive, the process that a teenagers mind and body are going through is close to crazy. I can tell you that there are probably more people than you think that are having the same thoughts and feelings that you are that are afraid to talk about it. I remember what it was like to be a teenager to, and I am so glad that I can control my thoughts and reason now that I am not going through all of that. Your family loves you and by the time your 18 you will begin to see that you may have had a pretty blessed life. Read up on teenage hormones and the mental effects. Read a few true stories on child abuse and neglect and go hug your mother tonight.
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replied May 12th, 2012
Dear myusername99,

After reading your post I don;t have a clue why or how can u hate your self. like duh... WAKE UP

U have a passion of playing the Guitar that could be your life. I am sure Nirvana or Kurt Cobain didn't need anyone when they played music.

I mean Common why would they want either they were happy playing music

HAHAHAH you could try this activity

look at yourself in the mirror and have a huge big laughter on your self all famous people laugh at themselves atleast once a day you know why....

So that they are not scared about what other people think about them and NEVER to be scared about failure.

Another thing Friends and people come and go but only you are going to be with your lovely self..... theres no harm in loving yourself once in a while. treat yourself with some sweets sometimes or play the fool you won't get another chance.

Life will end someday any which ways whether u like it or not..


Look if you don't like doing what others tell you u need not do it give some time for yourself.

I agree that travelling continously may be a headache as u have to make new friends adjust to surroundings etc.

But atleast u have atalent of music ... go deep into it as no one can take it away from u coz its within u.

SECONdly ur a writer too thats like an icing on the cake

EVEN if u don't like people around u ... u got to love yourself .

write songs ur a traveller by default too hahahah

So chill just live the moment and enjoy Smile
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replied May 31st, 2012
I JUST HANG ON SOME HOW if it was easy to just be happy im kinda numb unless im in a crushing deppression ive got knoe one thats the killer no love need love we need it so bad so lets wish every one love in there life its hard to love yourself when your broken like if i got shot dead right now so what know one will know or care im acctually quite scared at the age of47 or 8 i have to work it out why does my soul feel so bad
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replied May 31st, 2012
When you get older I guess you tend to just learn to let things go after a few days, or as I do drowning it in mind altering substances. You're young and seem very talented already for your age. Don't give up :]
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replied June 1st, 2012
I think xWastex is right, I agree with him/her that what he/she said?
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replied June 1st, 2012
Her.
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replied August 14th, 2012
PTSD
I completely understand where you're coming from for I too can't seem to trust anyone witn my feelings. And the funny thing is my bff always used to say that I never really talked about myself alot to her and she felt that I couldn't open up to her cause she would spill her guts to me. Well yes that was true, but I did try to open up about something. I mean it was ridiculous....I told her that my dad tried to commit suicide along with other stuff all she said was im sorry. I felt completely hurt and alone because when she is facing something I'm there with advice and just kind words to let her know that I care. But anyways, I have no one to talk to and decided to vent on here. I'm 19 and I swear I dont remember the last time I was worry free. I waz molested since age 4 up until idk my preteen years. And just when I was 14 I was raped by someone who was close to the fam and just imagine waking up to being raped! I literally died that day cause the messed up person I already was vanished and I had to walk around pretending I was fine and tried to keep my old ways in hope that .o one would find out. Til this day I feel like it all happened yesterday. I have absolutely no one to talk to and when I tried telling my mom about my anxiety she laughed in my face. I mean do I need to add anything else to make it known that I am miserable. I mean I'm not going to get off track with school or anything. I know what I want in the future and my head is pretty well grounded after all of this abuse. I know I'm supposed to find something to keep me going and for me it's my overachieving hard work but sometimes it's not enough and I lose it. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. Bu back to you hun you seem also vety level headed and be strong everyone suffers even if they don't show it I mean I should get an Oscar fot my performances but at the end oc the day its just you so be strong and xont give ups. It's ok to sometimes to break down but always get back up. One thing that I recently came across was : UNBROKEN PEOPLE CAN'T HELP BROKEN PEOPLE. And somehow that helped me to a certain level. I want a career in law enforcement and it totally applies. Sorry for the complete melt down.
But just know you're not alone.
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replied September 17th, 2012
i hate my life
i hate everything my self my life each and everything i m so depressed like its over my life my family its broken a part i love him and this marriage but he is behaving very strange no love no affection no care nothing's there i feel like i am ugly person he dont want to come near to me not even sits near me fer up where ever i sit i feel lonely broken i want ro die to finish this life because i cant live with this behaviour
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replied December 2nd, 2012
Time is the greatest healer, don't give up and just hold on as the future will always be brighter than the present. Surprise your man and show him your true self, treat him to a surprise now and then, and always be faithful in your relationship. Go back to when you both first met, the joy you felt when he held you in his arms, and set your mind to reliving that very moment. A rare moment such as that to occur again will be the spark to the fire for you both to rejoice again. To treat the temporary depression you seem to be under, I recommend Zoloft 10 or 15 mg for relief within 9-15 days of use. Don't give up my fair lady, as happiness is essential! Don't give up! Trust in what I say! for if you do so, your life will be enlightened and full of life!
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replied March 25th, 2013
Depression, Suicide, NO HOPE
My life sucks and I am very tired of trying. I have depressed all my life, abused, raped and I don't trust anyone. I feel alone and the only person who will listen to me is a therapist but only if pay her. My thing that I do to get away from my own mind is playing video games. I can get my bills paid. Psychiatrist have tried all types of meds with out success. I have tried killing myself on several occasions. Dr. doesn't know how I survived one attempt. I will be 50 years old this year. I keep having hope and I keep getting disappointed. I do not believe it will get better for you. You will probably have to be happy in your room with your guitar and the rest of your life will be like robotic and void of feeling.
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