I guess that's the best I can do for a title. Frankly, I don't really understand—not only life in general—but also *my* life, and its specific purpose.

Allow me to elaborate.

I am a fifteen-year-old male. I am a junior in high school. I look young, even for 15.

I have an IQ far above average. Not in any arrogant way, it is merely a fact. I do not know my actual IQ, but I've been told it is significantly high. I took an IQ test when I was four years old. I had a remarkable spatial and logical memory at a very early age.

I skipped the sixth grade. I have always despised school and public education. In first grade, I was told by a librarian that I was not allowed to go into the fourth-grade section, because "my classmates would follow me, and then there would be no books left for the older kids."

In kindergarten, my teacher informed my parents that I was "socially behind." My explanation was that "In preschool, we would talk and do math puzzles, but in this class the kids just play with toys." In short, that's the kind of crap I've had to deal with all my life.

And regardless of so-called "depression," I'm sick of it. I've put in every ounce of effort into my schooling, all along, and now that it's junior year, I give up. Essentially, I give up being "the smart kid."

I used to consider the possibility that, if I actually did any work and accordingly got good grades again, my life would be completely adequate. However, allowing my academic reputation to plummet, I've fallen into more of an existential or emotional crisis than was superficially apparent.

I hated middle school the most of all. I was not accepted at all, constantly ridiculed for typically nerdy traits and habits that I thought would eventually pay off. Looking back on it, I view middle school as the period of time during which I learned to be emotionally detached from all that transpired in my daily life.

That is, I am very reserved. I do not often express opinions. I do not often express emotions. I remain neutral, and am finally accepted. I am passive; I let others have their way—it's seldom worth an argument, regardless.

My current situation, academically, isn't unspeakably terrible. I have C's in two main classes—albeit, two intensely difficult classes, at one of the 'best' high schools nationwide. I realize that, with my informational capacity, I can be completely idle and pull off C's in the most difficult classes of all (and B's in the other two). That's not all that reassuring; it just means, if I were more average, I would have failed out of school by now.

I am completely unmotivated, until the very last minute. This is very unlike my former self . I write essays between 5:00 and 7:00AM, instead of over the preceding week allotted. In many cases, I do no work at all. I almost never read what I'm required to for school anymore. It's all so disinteresting.

Among my lack in motivation, I've attempted to convince myself that motivation is in fact important. "If I keep getting C's, I won't go to a good college." That statement, interestingly, holds no power in my mind. I honestly don't care. The main reason I'd be ashamed to go to a mediocre college is that the people I know would be quite surprised.

I am also a talented musician. I have played the piano for 11 years, since I was four years old. I could play a Bach minuet at 5. I began competing at 7. I continue to compete, now working on concertos and with my school's music program. I still practice (last minute), even though I hate it. It's more urgent than schoolwork.

I also used to compose classical pieces, but lately all I come up with does not sound good enough to record. (Previous compositions include very Chopin-esque waltzes and other pieces.)

I have a great interest in computers, especially obsolete ones. I used to spend nearly all of my time building computers from the parts I've compiled over a few years, but lately can't even find the motivation to do what I was previously so passionate about.

The one thing that still makes me happy is my father's red VW Karmann-Ghia convertible. But even when I get my license, I can't spend my entire life driving it, as much as I intend to,

I am a perfectionist, and have mild OCD. I will not do any work if my desk has anything on it in an unorganized fashion. Similarly, I never have a single file on any of my computer's desktops for any long period of time. I like minimalism. I like cleanliness, both physical and metaphorical.

I hate work. I lack effort; energy. I can sleep but I choose to stay up late wasting more time. I used to work in anticipation of doing what I liked later. While I still prefer leisure time, nothing I do has fulfillment. Nothing I do is worth it. I can spend an hour watching television, and at the end of that hour I will have accomplished nothing at all. It isn't worth it, but I do it anyway, it's not even enjoyable.

While I am frustrated with life right now, I do at least favor and understand who I am. I don't think other people quite understand. I'm about 5'8", and slim, I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and most would consider me conventionally attractive. At the same time, I have never been in a relationship with a girl; and in the limited attempts I've made in that direction, I've gotten discouraged someway or another. Girls don't have any real aversion to me, but they don't pay me any attention. I'm known for being intelligent and a great musician. Only my few friends know that I'm more than that; I can be quite sociable and creative and funny. The problem is I feel that I'm not even viewed as a valid boyfriend by many girls; I do indeed seem very oblivious, or, absorbed with the information in my own head. I, and my family, know myself to be a deeply caring and thoughtful person, but at the same time, I do often feel very alone, socially.

I would say, only in the past two years, have I become fully socially aware. I was to some extent before then, but I was always just a little awkward in some way; I didn't comprehend social situations well. And while I can handle it better now, I probably am not socially responsible enough to date a girl I may have interest in.

Those are all my smaller problems with life. But the larger one is, I feel that my life is purposeless. Entirely so. I don't have much of a desire to go out of my way to help others. And I honestly don't understand what I want to do for my own benefit, either.

Before, while despising school, I always wanted a job—one in IT, for example. However my current mental state prohibits that possibility.

I would do everything in order as a child. I would eat my lunch beginning with the vegetables and ending with the 'dessert,' so there was always something to look forward to.

I ran out of things to look forward to.

Then, it reversed—all I care about is the immediacy of things. I will consciously do what I think I "want," in the moment, and regret it later. I currently mean this in terms of homework and procrastination, but I fear it will lead to a very difficult life. I have not done drugs, or consumed alcohol; however, if nothing matters, why not? That's a problematic question I am faced with often. I don't intend to do drugs. But the "escape" aspect seems more appealing than ever. How wonderful life might be if I were just completely unaware of my surroundings, always tripping out on LSD or something. I can only imagine.

I have occasional suicidal thoughts. I feel like the world might only appreciate my existence if it were no more. I am afraid of my own power of choice. I am ridiculously, subconsciously impulsive. I was once riding my bike, and by some complete lapse of judgment, I fell. But not as an accident. I *thought about falling* before I did it. I was just biking along, and the thought popped into my head, and I fell, scarring my knees, elbows, and fingers somewhat badly. (Sometimes I wouldn't even trust myself to drive; who's to say some other lapse in judgment will not send me off a bridge or a cliff?)

Interestingly, when I let my mind wander, I seem to die in some scenario. That has been the case for nearly three years now, before the rest of this happened. Either that or I lose my mind entirely. The latter seems most probable, but could cause the former.

Right now, I am stuck in the constant misery that is school, and I can't legally, or realistically, give it up. But I actually cannot do any significant amount of work. I expect myself not to have to think, admit when thinking is required, I immediately get exceedingly frustrated and give up.

And I'm still left confused. I don't understand what's wrong with my mind (current hypothesis: I got stupider, randomly.) I don't understand the decisions I make daily. I don't *remotely* understand any kind of purpose to my existence.

And so, while I intend to keep living until I die or lose my mind, etc., I see no value in any trivial work or obligation. And until that mindset cases one of the aforementioned two things, I'm stuck where I am.
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replied January 6th, 2013
I realize that my post is excruciatingly long.
I apologize for that.
If you do find the time to at least skim over what I've wrote, and potentially offer some advice, it'd be greatly appreciated.
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