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I don't know why I do these things

Or where to start.... I am 23 years old. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I graduated from highschool, I thought I had moved past that stage in my life and had my depression under wraps... Until I met him. Our relationship was fine until about 2 years in. I moved in with him and his family, moved states away from my own family and those closest to me in order to continue our relationship while he went to college. When I moved in was when things slowly declined.. He would manipulate me, I lost all of my friends because I wasn't able to talk to them, and I couldn't call my family without being monitored. One of my loved ones is Jewish and he would always talk about how he despised her because of it and I couldn't mention her without fear of backlash. He told me he only felt sorry for me and he would accuse me of cheating on him with my co worker and my boss. Then he would cheat on me and threaten suicide if I tried to leave.. Over time I went from being 5'11 and a healthy 150lbs to dropping to 115lbs, feeling useless. I tried to dig myself up and started seeing a therapist again... This came to a hault shortly thereafter when there was a fight. I fought and fought the depression and the ED by myself and brought myself up to 135lbs, which I am proud of... I started fighting back, telling him the manipulation was too much and the yelling and scare tactics had to stop. I begged and pleaded for him to get help. He refused. When we fought he convinced me I was delusional and that everything was in my head. That's when I began punishing myself. In the winter, I would strip naked and open the window, letting myself freeze until I couldn't feel my body. I would claw and bite at my own skin after he yelled at me. Eventually things started getting worse... There were dozens and dozens of knives all over the house, he had collected them... He started showing up with odd things... Bullet proof vest, galas masks, etc... And eventually I told him he needed to come clean and te me everything he had purchased and to get them out of the house. That's when he pulled a gun (I had no prior knowledge of it's existence) on himself. at the time I did exactly what I am sure he wanted and I begged and apologized and promised I would change and be less depressed and not bother him and I even quit my job. The day I quit my job was the first day I ever punched myself. I hit my face until there was a giant bruise running across it. That was about 3 months ago. Shortly after, I had told my family what had happened. That's when I was told I had no choice anymore, they were coming to pick me up and I had to pack all of my stuff. I told him I was leaving and he said if I leave we were over. When I made it far away, he started calling and texting me. He was the nicest he has been in years. He even called me and apologized for being abusive, claiming he has changed and he is going to get help for his mental health issues. For the last month we have been on okay terms. Texting on and off. Then he called me tonight. He didn't yell, but I did. He told me getting therapy would ruin his career choice because that means he is crazy. I blew up from all the pent up anger I have toward him. The next thing I know, he is calling me delusional and saying he thought he could trust me and he was wrong, and for the first time ever my self punishment had an audience. I started wailing on myself, punching my face over and over and over, throwing all of my stuff, just being generally destructive. These are the only two times I have ever hit myself like this. I am afraid to talk with my family about it, they don't want anything to do with his name and pretty much shut down every time I try to speak sith them about it... I don't even know why I am here typing this. I don't know what I want, I feel out of control. I have been in this cycle for five years and for some reason I let my caring for him interfere with my well being. I want to see him get help and prosper and become a better, healthier person... But I have lost myself in the process. I feel dirty, alone, and weak. I have been fighting the anorexia head on the whole time, but a lot of these other behaviors are new, and I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know how to fight the urge to take a fist to my face or my nails to my shoulders anymore. Even from 20 hours away. I don't know what to do, I have always had depression, but this is the lowest... And I am gone. I don't know why I do these things to myself. I dont know what to do anymore.
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replied February 27th, 2019
Thank you for asking at Ehealth forum!

I read your question and I understand your concern.
Your symptoms are consistent with depression.
You would need antidepressants like SSRI to combat this problem.
I hope it helps. Stay in touch with your healthcare provider for further guidance as our answers are just for education and counselling purposes and cannot be an alternative to actual visit to a doctor.
Take care
Khan
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