Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

I don't know what to do I just feel stuck and sad...

I've been stuck in an abusive relationship and really don't know what to do. A couple years ago, I moved in with a "friend." This was more because I had to move out of state for a job and not because of me and him. At first, things were great between us. We didn't have a relationship title but we acted that way. After a while, certain things had me thinking differently. Condoms went missing, late night phone calls and texts...of course he had other women on the side. When I found out, things got really bad between us. If I did anything he didn't approve of he made me leave and spend winter nights outside while he called me repeatedly to call me names. If I do something that doesn't make sense to him like bagging groceries a particular way, he makes a scene. Any disagreement and I'm told that he doesn't want me and that I should leave so he can make time for other women. I can't go out with any girlfriends because when I do, he locks me out. I'm not allowed to have a house key. During arguments, I'm told that I'm a terrible mother when he has gone out of his way to turn my daughter against me by telling her I don't care about her and kicking me out without her so it looked like I abandoned her. Twice he's choked me to the point where I have scars on my neck and I can't sneeze without my jaw hurting from when he backhanded me. I really don't know what to do. I don't have the money to leave. I pay rent, buy food, and usually give him money because he says I owe it to him for me inconveniencing him. When I don't give him money he throws a fit. The times that I have tried to leave, he usually won't let me or while I'm out he throws all my stuff away or breaks it. On Halloween, I was told to leave and did, but he wouldn't stop calling me. My phone eventually got swiped as I pulled it out of my pocket to turn off the ringer. As he was calling, he was also putting my stuff in trash bags to throw out. I just feel stuck and sad...all the time. I don't want to put my daughter through this. She hates me already.
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replied November 18th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
You moved in with a friend and it became a friendship with benefits. You had no commitment to each other and he was free and felt free to see other women.

Presumably you was also free to see other men if you had wanted, at least in the early days. I guess you didn't exactly see it that way and wasn't very happy when you discovered your friend's tomcat habits. I guess your friend resented you trying to curtail his freedom and he turned into an angry person.
Up to that point you really had no justification for any complaints but I am guessing you are quite a passive sort of a person and that has been like a red rag to a bull as far as he is concerned and he began to bully you until it turned into abuse.

In your circumstances expecting you to pay any more than a fair rent and a fair share of communal expenses would be completely wrong. You are under no obligation to pay "inconvenience" money to him. It would have been wise to have arranged a formal sharing agreement before you moved in; friendships tend to last longer that way. As things stand without a formal agreement you have given him leave to make up the rules as he sees fit, however, that doesn't give him any rights over your stuff, for which he has a duty of care, and it doesn't give him the right to assault you, which is a criminal matter.

I think if your daughter hates you it is probably because you are being so passive and allowing all this to happen to you and becoming a miserable and undignified creature because of it. You aren't being a good role model for her and you probably aren't much fun to be around.

Certainly you should leave and when you do you should make certain he can't keep calling you by changing your number or blocking his number and taking all the precautions you can. Even turning your phone off would help.

The first time he assaulted you the police should have been called and you should have made a complaint and carried it through. That would have been the dignified thing to do and it would have left him in no doubt you weren't about to tolerate his bad behaviour.

If you have nowhere else to go I suggest you locate a woman's refuge or hostel and go there. It might be better if you left without his knowledge.
At such a hostel you will find experienced people to help you re-establish yourself. When you begin being a dignified woman again you will probably discover your daughter quite likes you.

Good luck!
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replied December 29th, 2013
You say u have no money, yet you're paying rent, food etc. Why not , not pay rent rtc and use that money to get out? My situation is different. I feel helpless. I don't have money:(.
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replied November 19th, 2013
I really wanted to find someone on here to point me in the right direction but instead I'm told that I'm not dignified. This was no friend with benefits situation. He's clearly told me that we will never have a title because that's what I want. What he wanted was for me to act like i was in a relationship. I was never allowed to talk to other men. When he thought i couldve been with another man he locked me out of the house. That's the direction both of us agreed to from the beginning. Once I saw his habits I didn't care for that anymore. While you would like for me to feel that I set myself up for this you are absolutely wrong. Please keep your presumptions to yourself.
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replied November 19th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy
I guessed wrong but as your original post didn't contain that information some guesswork was needed.

Your original post carried the implication you were locked out of the house against your will, that you weren't allowed a door key to a place you paid rent for (your home) and that your stuff was trashed or thrown out against your will.
Your original post also carried the implication you thought being forced to pay him inconvenience money was wrong and grossly unfair and also the implication you didn't like being physically assaulted or verbally insulted. I also got the impression you didn't like the way he was criticising you as a mother and turning your daughter against you.

Your original post also carried the implication that in spite of not liking any of that or considering it fair or reasonable you accepted the situation quite passively because you felt forced to do so.

Nowhere in your original post did you declare you had agreed to being treated in such a manner. I think most people reading your original post would have drawn a similar conclusion; that being forced to accept the outrageous conditions you live under is in fact undignified and that you seemingly do so without anger or resentment tends to reinforce that conclusion.

I stand beside my conclusion and I don't mind your anger at all. In your situation I would say anger is good and long overdue.

In future you could avoid presumptions by including all pertinent information...
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