Hi, I'm a girl and I'm 16.

Since last year I've been feeling really down every day and I arrived at a moment when I can't anymore. On the outside I fake being fine and I'm the funny one who always smiles, but inside I feel like I'm falling apart.

I feel really guilty, like a bad person who deserves to be punished. I feel really empty and hopeless, I feel like I don't deserve to live and that every day is a struggle to make it through the day, I don't want to be alive, my suicidal thoughts are constantly bothering me.

I eat until I feel sick and I want to cry to fill my emptiness and I gained weight because of this. I don't sleep well, I wake up at 5am and then I constantly wake up until I have to go to school and it is a torture. Because of it I'm sleepy in class and my grades have dropped. I often self harm to punish myself, to feel something or to feel close to death. Sometimes my thoughts are so overwhelming that I need to lay down on my bed but my mind doesn't stop torturing me anyway. It makes me remember every single mistake I've done in my life and I have to shake my head to make them disappear. It makes me feel that everyone hates me and that I'm a dramatic teenager who wants to seek attention. But I don't, I don't want people to know how I feel, I prefer to end it all.

I never get out of my room, people and my family irritate me. I feel more dead than alive, I can't even cry and I feel like I don't want to do anything, I don't want to wake up in the mornings, I only want to disappear, to stop suffering, I don't even feel like being happy again, I just want to stop living. My suicidal thoughts are really overwhelming and sometimes I find myself writing a suicide note or collecting pills.

I'm sick of thinking that I'm useless, that people don't like me. I stopped doing so many things... I used to be smart but now I can't even read two pages of a book because so many letters stress me and I can't, so I get really frustrated and it makes me feel worse.

I hope you don't think I want to seek attention, as you can se this account is anonymous and I just want some advice :/

Thank you for reading and sorry if I've made any mistake, I'm not English.
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replied July 3rd, 2013
Experienced User
While I am empathic to your situation. However, when issues such as these arise it is the initiative to change will be the key to change the behaviour. It appears to me that you have developed perhaps some unhealthy schemas/cognitive distortions in relation to other people and yourself. Perhaps it will be helpful to see a school councillor or even a teacher who may be able to set up a meeting with councillor if there is none on standby in the school. The councillors will have a degree in psychology or a masters in social work and will be able to help or least get the appropriate help you need. However, as I pointed out unless you use the initiative to change you may find it hard to change your behavioural pattern. I know that logic seems obvious, but as you probably guess easier said then done.
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