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I caught my husband on a gay dating website

My husband is always secretive on his phone; he always has it with him, doesn't leave it, and takes it with him everywhere. I've been cheated on in the past so I have a hard time trusting, my husband knows this. I've checked his phone a few times and haven't really found anything until last night, I found an email he sent almost a year ago to someone, this email had no words, just a picture of his penis. I confronted him on it, he said he didn't send it until finally he told me. My husband told me that he thought he might have been gay because he wasn't sure why else we fought in our marriage (we bickered and argued quite a bit around this time). I told him that it didn't make sense that one night of fighting and he thought he was gay and he said he thought he might have been in high school too. He told me that as soon as he sent the picture he was completely grossed out and knew he wasn't gay. I found his profile on the gay dating website and I was sickened. He said that he was bi, looking for a lot of fun, would travel, or entertain, and much more. He told me that he has never met up with anyone and didn't plan to meet up with anyone. He continuously repeated that he was not gay and was confused, and it was the darkest time of his life. I consider this cheating but he doesn't.

I really do not know what to do, if I will get over it, and if i can ever trust him again.

Any advise?
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replied April 16th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
When you and your husband married you put yourselves under contract with each other to exclusively provide each other with a reasonable amount of sex for the rest of your lives.

Claiming bisexuality isn't a way to either claim extra sex or to excuse exploring the possibility of getting some extra sex.
While putting his details on a Gay, Bi or hetero dating site (it makes no difference which) is not actually cheating it is a declaration of intention to cheat and is almost as bad.

If he had doubts about his sexuality, needed more sex or needed sexual variety the honest thing would have been to discuss them with you, preferably before the wedding; after the wedding is rather too late to be confused because then he has no right to be confused and being confused is utterly pointless though not too late for an honest and open discussion.

You have made your husband sound like a man who is difficult to trust and it probably wouldn't be wise to trust him. Clearly he has too much leisure time and too much spare energy than is good for him.

Quite possibly he finds sex in the marriage bed somewhat routine and unexciting and exploring the taboo of extramarital sex, especially Gay sex is a way of recapturing some of the excitement of a single life; it isn't an uncommon thing. Quite possibly he did it because he could; computers and the internet do tend to give some people some strange ideas.

I suggest you read him the riot act and tell him the reality of his position since he entered into the marriage contract with you. Invite him to have the open and honest discussion if he is genuinely confused and suggest he might be less inhibited if there was a relationship counsellor present.

Tell him he must earn your trust all over again for as long as you deem it necessary; his smartphone will have to be replaced with a basic phone and he will not be allowed any unsupervised time on the computer and you will henceforth be spending more time together pursuing mutual or shared interests or hobbies.

If he is not suitably contrite about lying and suchlike and does not readily agree to becoming a properly married man and earning your trust all over again and make the greatest efforts to do so then you could justifiably walk away.

Good luck!
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replied April 16th, 2014
Thank you for asking!
Thanks to the modern laws gay communities are respected for their desire. What you and your husband are having is not a medical issue but a matrimonial wedlock commitment issue and for that you need a couple therapist . Sort things out for yourself. Find some common grounds to trust each other. Life for both of you with out each other and especially with kids involved will be a mess and totally not worth a try. Try to compromise and give it a benefit of doubt. No body is perfect. Don't believe unless you see it like a thread passing through needle evidence. Get some therapy session for your couple and make it work .You have to make it work, it won't work by itself
I hope it hlps
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