Sorry for the poor grammar

I have never used this or said this before to excuse myself but I can''t control this time! I am so tired! Recently I have been very tired and weak in term of energy. I sleep at 8pm bcos I am just drained of energy, and I wake up at 6pm still super tired! I have so much trouble waking up that i told my mum, " I am really tired". She said, " everyone also tired, everyone also have to go sch and they can wake up." True, I agree that''s why I still force myself up and go sch.

However I just want to shout out this, "I am not like everyone!". You know, I know! I am different from many aspect. I try not to think about this bcos I hate admiting that I have this problem. Not everyone experience this extreme mood swing that occur for no reason or with the slightest trigger. Not everyone have to eat pills every morning to make sure that they won''t go "crazy". Not everyone get so depress till they stop with their life activites, stay at home more than a week, just lying at the bed, covered with a blanket in the dark. Not everyone get so emotional that they cry for the smallest thing such as seeing their childhood pictures. Not everyone attempted suicide before and till now plans his own death in future. Not everyone hoard up pills as a safety precaution. Not everyone become overly sensitive towards how ppl react to him. Not everyone require the extra effort to just wake up everyone and go to sch. Not everyone constanly feel that he is fat and not good enough to be with his "higher class" friends. Not everyone have screw up friendship that despite the fact that it hurts, he still hang on bcos he cherish and love it. Not everyone go so high and crazy sometime that he spend his money on retarded stuff such as clothes that don''t fit, food that he can''t finish. Not everyone treat his friends too generously just bcos he is feeling good and blessed at the moment. Not everyone fly off to Taiwan with no planing and cash, just because he is feeling overly emotional and full of impulse. Not everyone act so crazyly without thinking of consequences bcos he just can''t at that moment, he just doesn''t have that slight space for the conscious mind to tell him what is right or wrong. Not everyone laugh uncontrollably and talk too rapidly when he is happy. Not everyone need to eat medicine to let him sleep at night bcos he just can''t sleep, he have a thousand thoughts racing through his mind even when he is on the bed. Not everyone have such big contrast in the energy level in him, some day he is full of energy that he can don''t sleep for 48 hours +, some days he just feel like he is lifeless and just want to stop moving, eating, bathing, thinking, or doing anything but sleep.

I am not like eveyone! I am discriminated when people know I am medically labeled as "crazy". My future is endangerded when my employer knows about this. However I know I will not give up yet, I come too far from 3 years ago. I won''t let the fact that the chemical balance, nerve system, structure of my brain is different from everyone, make myself disabled. There are many people like me out there who are doctors, actors, musician, CEO, director. We may have all this disadvantage genetically but I will never take this as an excuse for me to fail. These people have made it out of this pit by having a stronger faith and will power than what science and medical doctor have told them about the differences between them and the rest. I can do it too! I just need the extra effort than the rest. Pls understand! Sad
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replied April 29th, 2010
Oh my God I can''t believe you said that. You are right I feel that way to.I don''t want other to control the moods with pills just to fit in either.What about the time they use the crazy phase to you. When we have a bad day and act out it usually because they pushed to far and deserved what they got.Just because I act a little different don''t make me take the pills.Buying things is a self medicate thing by the way. So in that way we all are the same.We just choice to self medicate in different forms. Anyway I get what you are saying.I am not like the rest that do what we are suuppose to do and follow the rules. To be truefull I like the manic part of it.I hate being on that depression side because it is dark and so low. I don''t want to even deal with anything that I need to little alone have some one tell me get over it or here take this.Just a throught lori
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replied June 17th, 2010
Hi walkfast:

Not so fast! What WisdomLove said is a song of hope, but he didn't mean to drop his meds!
I interpret he drop the word "crazy" and he is right: being brain-sick is not crazy, its just another sickness you treat with medication and advice.

If WisdomLove drop his "pills", he won't last long, what is as bad as if I drop my heart medication and colestherol pills: I will get a heart attack in a couple of months and die. Like WisdomLove, I can't tell my boss that I have a stent in my coronary and risk of heart attack because, age discrimination or not, I will be the first to become unemployed.
I am not ashamed of that: I have hope too and that is what it matters.

WisdomLove: I have been married to a bipolar woman for 28 years. Never loose your hope. God bless you!
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replied June 17th, 2010
Supporter
Wisdomlove, welcome to the forum,

I was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago. I understand your pain and what you go through. It can be so difficult, overwhelming at times. Unless someones lives with this disorder they cannot understand the inner turmoil we feel. If you are still having these episodes you need to go back to your doctor, he or she needs to know you medication in not working. If you were on the right medication your symptoms would get better and you would feel normal, happy, and beable to enjoy yourself. I am so lucky that after many tries I found the right pills to take. Talk to your Mom and tell her you need to see your specialist. Anytime you get deeply depressed or feel a manic phase coming on you need help. Without the right meds you will continue to suffer needlessly. I will pray for you. Please talk to your Mom.

Walkfast you need to take your pills. People do not deserve to be hurt emotionally or phyically. That is just not a good choice and if you are not medicated eventually you will not beable to control yourself, you may hurt yourself or others.

Everyone has to take pills. Let me ask you something, If you suffered from horrible pain would you choose not to take your medication to ease the pain. If you could'nt breathe, would you rather suffocate then be on oxygen. If you had diabetes would you choose not to take pills, and risk going blind, losing a limb, or go into a diabetic coma and possibly die? If you get pneumonia would you take your antibiotics? It is basicly the same thing as us taking our medications. It is your personal responsibility to take care of yourself. If you need the meds than you should take the meds. If you disorder escalates you might not beable to control your anger and hurt someone, and possibly go to jail. Please think about this. By not taking care of yourself you are hurting those around you and that is very selfish. I would never want to inflict pain, verbally, emotionally or physcially on my family or loved ones. I am strong because I acknowlegde I am ill, (not crazy) and need to take my meds to be well.
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replied June 18th, 2010
Cyndireeli I think what you posted is wonderful. I wish I would have stayed on mine. I spent a month in a hospital bc I had a "breakdown". But as soon as I got out of hospital I stopped them bc I didnt believe I was truly bipolar. Now my life is a wreck on the inside. I sleep 16hr a day. I have two kids and a husband, and im not giving myself to them bc im so depressed and messed up!
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replied June 19th, 2010
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Mommyniolee,

I am so sorry that you feel so bad. I have also been ing the hospital and its okay. I got really depressed and felt for the first time in my life I had no control. My daughter was diagnosed with cancer. It was just to much for me. I admitted myself. I knew I needed help and if I didnt get help I would not beable to be their for my family or my daughter. Its okay to be bipolar. Its not your fault. I know why you didnt want to believe you were bipolar, because so many put labels on anyone with a mental illness. They do it in this forum all the time. But they our not us. They have no idea what inner turmoil we go through. The will never understand. I think you are really depressed right now and thats why you are sleeping so much. Please go see a mental health professional, and keep searching until you find one you trust. Try different meds. they all dont work, what works for one of us may not work for someone else. I only have to take a mood stablizer, meds for anxiety, when I need them and something to sleep. Anti depressents only make me more depressed. Please be strong for your family. I am glad I got help, my daughter past away July 4th, 2008, and I was their to take care of her, love her, through out her battle. Please do this for you first and second for your children, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
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replied June 21st, 2010
Cyndirell, Thanks so much for the kind helping words. Im very sorry for your loss! I cant imagine if I would have lost my son. He was diagnosed with cancer in 2007. And I was their to take care of him as well. He was only three. He is not in remission, but the tumor is no longer growing im happy to say. But he is not disabled from the brain tumor resections. That was when all my problems started. I just dont want to have to leave my family to gewt treatment, but in away im not here anyway. I just cant make myself do anything. I haave been trying to motivate myself but it is not working. And also I fought so hard to prove I was not mentaly ill, that im scared to give in and admit I need help.
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replied June 22nd, 2010
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You have to take care of yourself, my illness surfaced from overwhelming stress. This disorder cannot be managed with out medication. I am not afraid to tell people I am bipolar, it they judge me, then its their loss, not mine. They are just small minded people without empathy. Dont worry that you have an imbalance of the brain. Thats what it is. It does not mean we our crazy, it just means our brains need meds to function normally. I am sure your family will support you. We both know the stress a sick child can be. But wouldnt you rather take the medication, feel better, motivated, and happy again. You need to make that choice. I still have my friends I had before. They didnt abandon me, but I know they would have been disappointed with me if I didnt get help. Even though we have this disorder it is still our choice to take responsibility and do the right thing. Do it for yourself, your son, husband, and family. Please see a psychiatrist, try some meds, I will always be here for you to talk too. We both have suffered like no body can truly understand. Having a child with a devastating illness is the hardest thing anyone can go through. Dont be scared, be proactive.
Cindy
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replied June 22nd, 2010
Supporter
You have to take care of yourself, my illness surfaced from overwhelming stress. This disorder cannot be managed with out medication. I am not afraid to tell people I am bipolar, it they judge me, then its their loss, not mine. They are just small minded people without empathy. Dont worry that you have an imbalance of the brain. Thats what it is. It does not mean we our crazy, it just means our brains need meds to function normally. I am sure your family will support you. We both know the stress a sick child can be. But wouldnt you rather take the medication, feel better, motivated, and happy again. You need to make that choice. I still have my friends I had before. They didnt abandon me, but I know they would have been disappointed with me if I didnt get help. Even though we have this disorder it is still our choice to take responsibility and do the right thing. Do it for yourself, your son, husband, and family. Please see a psychiatrist, try some meds, I will always be here for you to talk too. We both have suffered like no body can truly understand. Having a child with a devastating illness is the hardest thing anyone can go through. Dont be scared, be proactive.
Cindy
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replied June 22nd, 2010
Supporter
Dear Mommynicolee,

No one can truly understand how overwhelming and horrifying it is to have your child diagnosed with cancer. Severe stress can cause this disorder. I am not ashamed I am bipolar, and I tell people that. If they choose to judge me it is because they do not understand the disorder, small minded, ignorant. If we take the responsibility to be proactive and take care of our illness we are more ressponsible than most people. We have to be their for our families, your son needs you. Please go get help, you can be happy again, and have peace, its just about staying on top of it just like our children who had to go through everything because of the cancer. We have to do the same for ourselves. Sometimes I think of being bipolar is like cancer of the brain, but managable with the proper medication. You got your son the help he needed now you have to do it for yourself. Do not be ashamed or afraid, its just a disorder like any other medical problem. Take the pills and get your life back.

Cindy
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replied June 24th, 2010
Does anyone else see that picture of a chubby woman and is pissed? How dare this site put that picture out there and then post "trick of a tiny belly". The obviously don't understand our meds!
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replied June 24th, 2010
Supporter
It has nothing to do with us, its just an advertizement that helps pay for this site. Just like all the other advertisements on here,

Cindy
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replied June 24th, 2010
Humor
I know I just thought it was funny. It was meant to be a joke.
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replied June 24th, 2010
Supporter
Your right it is funny! I just had major surgery and my stomach looks just like hers, lol. Not the rest of the body thank goodness. I looked like Im 7 months pregnant. Cant wait until the swelling goes down.

Cindy
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