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Husband says something is missing in our relationship

I've been married for about 7 years and we have been together 12 years. My husband told me recently that he feels like something is missing in our relationship. We have a 2 year old and sex in our relationship has always been an issue for him. He says he loves me and that the thought of ending our relationship is not something he takes lightly. This is not the first time he has said "something was missing" to me (a similar discussion has occured years ago). We are still living together raising our son but at times it gets so difficult. I get clingy and am looking for reassurance and he cannot give it to me right now. We are still afectionate and we are not angry with one another. He hasn't made any decisions about us and doesn't want me to leave, I am just struggling with how to cope until he can figure this out. I believe everyone questions there relationship from time to time but then again I don't know what he's feeling. I just worry that he is searching for something that doesn't exist. Has anyone had a similar experience?
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replied December 29th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
So when you ask him what's missing what does he tell you?
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replied December 29th, 2009
Well at first he said he doesn't know. More recently it has become "sexual chemistry". He thinks I'm attractive but he doesn't feel like we have chemistry.
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replied December 29th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Perhaps you should talk with him about what he thinks you both should do to work towards having better sexual chemistry. He is the one that is having a problem, let him take the lead in offering solutions you can work together on.
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replied December 30th, 2009
I have done just that. He feels like we have tried to work on this before and is doubtful things will change. (I think we have tried but not very hard) I believe he has suppressed this frustration for so long that now he's not sure he wants to fix it and ultimately I think he doubts whether it can be fixed. I have not heard him (his frustrations) for some time and I wonder if my efforts are to late.
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replied December 30th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Unless you have a time machine there's not much point of worrying if you should have done something sooner. All you can do is express that you're ready to work to make him happy in the marriage now. Make sure that he understands that you can't meet needs he won't discuss with you, that until he's willing to talk about how things can improve to make him more satisfied in the marriage all you can do is wait.
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replied December 30th, 2009
Community Volunteer
IMO, you can't make sexual chemistry...It is either there or it isn't...When a woman wants sexually and doesn't find the fulfillment that she needs, it can tear her apart...We need to be wanted and desired...He is saying that something is missing...He may mean that you need him sexually, more than he needs you...This has nothing to do with you personally, but him sexually...It just may be more than libido...It could be bigger...

I don't agree with you when you say that everyone at some time in their relationship questions their being where they are....However, I would worry that he is searching for something that does exist....

I think so many of us marry thinking that things will change...Only they don't...Either you will get closer with more love burning between you, or farther apart and question why you did this deed....Good luck...

Caroline
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replied December 30th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
Sexual Chemistry is an excuse. When we were 14 and weren't worried about so many other things in relationships we could have sexual chemistry with a poster of a pop idol. We weren't skilled lovers, we certainly didn't know didly about seduction but it was effortless for us to become sexual creatures because we had no baggage. There are definately people who have phermonal patterns that appeal to us more and less. You should never start a relationship with soemone that just can't turn you on and expect sex to work itself out, but if you were once able to have intimacy with your partner returning to that place is nothing more than getting over yourself and being bigger than your fears or insecurities about who you are as a person.

Finding the lost intimacy in your marriage is easier than finding your car keys because it is a part of you and it wants to be found. All you have to do is try.
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replied January 1st, 2010
Wolf I hope you are right. But I do think this lack of chemistry has always been an issue, even in the beginning. So when you suggest that he should have never started a relationship with me I fear that is true and maybe we are prolonging the inevitable. I think my husband thought it would come with time and he also thought he could live without it. If he is willing to work on this I feel like I must give it one more shot. Each day that goes by though I feel farther from him. I have been aggressive sexually lately in an attempt to prove something to him but this seems to only make him move further away. Eventually though if he cannot make a decision I feel I must. Living this way is not working for either of us.
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replied January 1st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Lakerfan2
Lets just say that if a mistake was made it was made by both parties and it was made in the past. Now you have lovely children that need parents to raise them. Whether or not you were sexually compatible with this man doesn't much matter at this stage.

If your partner isn't helping you for a bond of intimacy you can't very well force it on them. Just continue to express that you love them and you're there for them and be open to talking about what they're unhappy about.
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replied August 9th, 2012
Wolf, sorry but sexual compatability does matter. Sex is a big part of a relationship. Men are physical and women are emotional. If your husband does not feel satisfied physically, he may go out of the relationship to find what he is looking for. If you have tried to make things work, and this sex issue is affecting the rest of the relationship, then you need to make an important decision together. Although you have a child or more makes it more important that both parents are happy. Apart or together. Kids watch our behaviors and base their interpersonal skills on what they learn from us. you want your children to see you happy. trust me
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