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Husband says i'm not girly enough...

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Last night me and my husband had a fight. I wanted to cut my already short hair (my avi shows how short it was.) shorter. He said that only crazy women cut their hair that short and that just shows i'm insane..I told him I like short hair cause its easier for me to manage. So I cut it in what he called a manly hair style. all I did was put the top half in a pony tail and cut the sides close to the scalp. He then proceeded to call me a man, and that I looked butch etc.

2 weeks ago I quit shaving my armpits and legs, a personal choice really. I got sick and tired of taking so much time in the shower and for what? I hated doing it, i often got ingrown hairs and razor burn. So i just stopped.

He threw that in my face to, saying women HAVE to do those things.

He went on to say harsh things to me about how I wasnt enough of a women, I may dress it but I dont act it at all etc. It hurt alot. and triggered one of my mood swings. I took his debit card and went to the store to get a pack of smokes...and in doing so caused us to overdraw the bank account meaning we wont have the money to cover our cable/net and phone bill this month..I got home and he packed my suitcase said he was sick of me and wanted me gone and if I didnt leave he would throw me out by what little hair I had left. So I called the cops. By the time they got there we were both on the front walk calmly talking. and he explained to my husband he cant throw me out and it seemed we could handle things.

I know we're screwed up please dont tell me that, i know i need help etc.

But is it right of him to tell me i'm not a women because I dont do what society says I have to? I have have enough problems with my own thoughts on my appearence i dont need him adding to my self hate.
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replied September 17th, 2008
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it is wrong of him to say that.. if my bf said that to me i'd flip..
maybe he feels that your not trying to be womanly and are going to take away his masculaness? idk....
you go to have a takl to him.
tell him how you feel about all of this.
explain that you dont feel attractive anyways.
tell him you NEED some complements sometimes. that he MEANS not just saying.

i hope it gets better for you.
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replied September 17th, 2008
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If I were him I wouldn't be dissapointed about the hair but I would have be dissappointed for the armpit/leg thing. I mean really women with hair in legs and armpits look kind of gross. I don't blame him really. I love my husband and I want to look the best for him. If he tells me my hair looks really that bad with a certain haircut I wouldn't have it again. I mean I like to look good and if he says I don't I believe him. With the hair in legs an armpits well I know that is struggle but like I said in marriage one has to learn to compromise. (I stopped shaving my armpits and legs when I had laser hair removal but not everybody can do this, it's very expensive). I think couple therapy would work for you both.

I went for a haircut today and I the lady cut the hair shorter than I wanted so I was a bit worried. I went home and showed my husband and he liked it. I felt so much better about the haircut knowing that he liked it.
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replied September 17th, 2008
if you don't want to follow what society deems as feminine, then don't, that's your personal choice. you have to understand though, that he began a relationship when you looked different, and although you may not care that your hair is short and that you don't shave, he doesn't find it attractive. you can't make someone find that attractive.
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replied September 17th, 2008
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Hey Miss, you should know it is entirely your husband's fault.

Don't blame yourself and you should know there are alot of women who are so feminine even though they have short hair.

I say it is your husband who needs to rethink the situation and apologize for the hurtful things he said to you.

I hope you're okay and you should know, I think the short hair suits you just fine.

In my opinion, you are pretty feminine. It is just that your husband is blind.

I am sorry that you have to go through all this.

I hope you feel better

Cheers,

Peter
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replied September 18th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
I think theres a much much better approach to these sort of things...he should not have attacked you on your decisions..intstead of saying the things he has said he should have something more along the lines of "hunny why cut your hair, i think you it looks great now!" or about the shaving "but I love feeling your sexy smooth legs"....men need to learn to think before they speak...hurting you isn't going to do anything but probably make you more stubborn about it...talk to him about the way he communicates with you, tell him its disrespectful and hurtful and you dont appreciate it...i always told my boyfriend..if i'm gaining alittle weight..please..dont call me fat..simply suggest we go on a work out date or something...subtle hints go a long way..direct attacks do nothing but cause problems
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replied September 18th, 2008
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Re: Husband says i'm not girly enough...
Shaving legs and armpits really do not take that long and to keep from getting ingrown hair and / or razor burn...try using shaving gel as soap has a tendency to dry skin. If you truly do not have time to do the perfect
'shave'..do a quick one and don't wear shorts or a tank until more detail can be given.

When I was in Girl Scouts many years ago, we went horseback riding and there was this beautiful woman with long brown braided hair pass her thighs and she was wearing shorts and she had the hairist legs...I did not get it nor do I get it now but if that is your preference...go for it. However I do agree with the previous post that your husband could have approached you in a different manner regarding what he feels is correct for a woman.

Would he shave your legs for you? Just a thought.

~Zig
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replied February 4th, 2009
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Well he maybe right
So why you dont got to the hair dresser, get a new style, them go and buy new clothing, do a facial and toe nails and nails. Charge everything of course, and them come home, .Order a gourmet dinner and wait for him seated at the table zipping white wine with a straberry in the bottom of the glass. And let see what happens, if he complain about all the money your wasted tell him you did it for him, and for both of you guys, Dont forget to got to Victoria Secret, because that night he better perform well to you or he is history this is the way I will deal with Mr.Expert in femenity. One of two thing could happen, or you getr stock for ever dressing hyperfemenine, or you may be showeling horse poop with your uncle Theo Overalls and with your grandpap Galachos he will never say anything.
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replied May 22nd, 2009
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the way your husband is handling it, the way he is talking to you is wrong. but i m a firm believe in pleasing your man, this was enbeded in my head by my mom.

what your husband is trying to say is he likes it when your hair is long, and he thinks it is sexy when a women shave her legs and armpits. this is how he shouldve approached you, and maybe he wouldve gotten a better outcome. it takes very little for a man to sway. you are married! i think you should try it for once and she how it works out for you. please your man, grow your hair and shave your legs. allow him to desire you. theres nothing wrong with that.
what if he wore a mo-hawk without telling you, what if your not attracted to him with that haircut, but you have to deal with it. married couples should compromise.
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replied October 27th, 2013
You need to look good for your spouse !
Men that are not bi or gay are specifically attracted to WOMEN. End of debate. Women are designed to be the opposite of men. Soft and silky skinned instead of hairy and rough skinned. The list goes on and on. If you wanted a man that was attracted to butch looking women you should have chosen a different man, or gone after a butch loving lesbian. I chose my wife because she was soft, sexy and not even remotely manly looking or acting. That is what attracted me to her. If your husband was attracted to you in the beginning enough to marry you than you should respect him and care for him enough to not turn into a damn moose. Furthermore, you have the same exact right to complain if he stops taking care of himself, or no longer makes any effort to look good for you.

No one wants to have an unattractive spouse. If your partner is upset by your sudden lack of concern for your appearance you have two choices; take steps to improve your appearance, or let him/her go find someone they are attracted to. This may come off as insensitive, but it's the truth. If a person has committed to being with only one person romantically for the rest of their life it is a breach of contract for one person in the relationship to suddenly decide to stop looking their best. If this bothers you then grow up or get a divorce.
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replied November 13th, 2013
I think, like in every relationships there are osme positive point and some negative points that your husbant sees in you, sometimes good points balance out with the bad ones, but sometimes the "bad" ones start to stand out too much. I think your husband has a certain ideal of femininity, which is based on societie's perspective on beauty and femininity. Or maybe he likes a woman with long hair from his work and tries to make you look like her.. but the tone of voice and the way in which he was teasing you just shows that the dislike is much deeper, normally people supress their criticism towards their significant others, if he is not able to supress being mean, i think he wants to punish you on purpose because he feels neglected and hurt himself by you not fulfilling what is important to him, i.e. beauty standard.

you can try a different method than shaving, e.g. waxing or lazer to permanently remove the hairs, and you should try to stay attractive to your partner. I was wondering, do you still have sex? how long are you married? generally need more context to be able to evaluate your situation, so please just take this as an opinion..
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