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Husband lashing out at me in grief

My husband and I have been married less than a year. Tonight, he found out that his mother passed away. He had not seen her in over a year and had only communicated with her online and on the phone since then. To say that his relationship with her was complicated is an understatement, but I had no problem with her. Occasionally, he mentioned that he would like to go visit her or I would bring up that he needed to visit her, but I tried not to push it since they were not always on the best of terms and assumed he would pursue wanting to go when he felt ready.

Now it's too late. He has repeatedly expressed his regret and is very angry. Perhaps the most disturbing and upsetting thing to me is the very common theme of blaming me for not pushing him harder to reconcile. He has a lot of baggage regarding his childhood, adoption, and his parents' divorce when he was a teenager in addition to some anxiety disorders. He has always expressed grief in a manner that I am not used to, but this repeated blaming is making it very hard for me to be there for him tonight. I tried to explain this to him, that I had no idea that he so desperately wanted to reconcile with her because of the way he mentioned it casually in passing and how it was his mom, so I just left it up to him to choose a time to visit her. He responded by saying that I should have pushed him harder and understood that he is the type of person that needs someone to help him make that step.

I'm now consumed by guilt and left feeling helpless to find a way to be there for him. As soon as he starts talking about her death, it comes back around to him blaming me for this. And I'm not just reading too much into his grief, he has openly said that he blames me at least 5 times this evening and also accused me of being happy that she was dead. I know that grief can do strange things, but I am at a loss right now.
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replied December 23rd, 2013
When my mother died, I lashed at my siblings and father for not keeping her in the hospital long enough after her spinal surgery. Basically, I was blaming them for the cause of death. Mom was suppose to stay at the hospital for at least 3 weeks, but she wanted to leave for home so she checked herself out early and my family let her. The day she got home, she had an asthma attack, fell in a coma, and died a week later. I kept blaming my Dad and my sister if they hadn't agreed to let her leave the hospital, she would be alive, and this phase kept on for over months. They never lashed back at me, not even my brother who was angry about everything else. I said terrible things to my father and sister in front of people that I shouldn't say. I was only one who was blaming.

But then close friends came to me to counsel me and I realized that it wasn't my family to blame. I was blaming at others because I should be the one to blame. Now I blame myself for the cause of the accident. I didn't cleaned her room well enough and I fixed her bed which probably lifted old dust in the air that caused her asthma attack. I believe no one said it was my fault mom died because it is probably true that it was my fault. Everyone is just protecting me from blaming myself. The only thing I can do now to fix the damage I caused to my family is express compassion and learn to love my family again. It's been 2 years and I'm still in the process of healing. I'm a women, 29 years old.

I don't think my story helps a whole lot. I'm still trying learn how to live on without my mother. But I think your husband needs to seek help from counseling or stay with close friends. And I'm certain seeking help from friends and counseling for youself will help you too.
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