Medical Questions > Relationships > Relationships and Marriage Forum

Husband is addicted to porn, marijuana and spending

What do I do?
Try more therapy, keep working at it
Run for the hills
0%  0%  [ 0 ]
100%  100%  [ 1 ]
Total Votes : 1
Hi everyone. I'm new here and need advice on where to go next with my marriage. My husband of almost 15 years who seems like a perfect guy on the surface is secretly addicted to porn and has also struggled with a secret marijuana addiction and compulsive spending (and lying about it). The porn addiction first surfaced early in our marriage, long before we had kids. I was hurt, ashamed, baffled, you name it, as we had a pretty awesome sex life. I moved beyond my own emotions and, being a pretty sexually open person, tried to embrace it and would watch with him, bought us tickets to AVN on several occasions, took him to strip clubs, I even brought other women home on a few occasions. I did all of this hoping it would stop him from the 8-hour long internet porn marathons on his work computer since he no longer had to feel the need to hide it from me. It just kept cropping back up every few years, and it's back once again.

This time we have kids and I'm worried for them. I checked his phone history and while he was watching our 2 young kids (6 year old boy & 18mo old girl), he spent about 30 minutes looking at very graphic videos on his phone. I was sick in bed and woke up shortly after, at which point he quickly ran to the bathroom and watched more. He then watched again an hour later while supervising our son in the shower getting ready for a birthday party. Is it just me or is this horribly sick? It's not that I mind him watching porn (in reasonable amounts), it's the circumstances when he's watching it! He's also back to watching all day every day at work which IMO is way excessive. I get nervous his religious boss or co-workers may catch him as I'm not sure where he's doing it while at work. This is all in addition to the obvious personal hurt and frustration I feel. He's picked so many fights with me lately for not trusting him when he's "working SO hard" to earn back my trust. He's also called me out for often being disinterested in sex, but I quite frankly am just starting to feel repulsed. I feel like a means to an end.

He's typically a good and involved dad and somewhat of a good husband(when he's not hiding in the bathroom watching porn of course), he cooks and cleans and makes good money in a white collar job. He does nice things for me (back rubs, household chores, etc), but I still feel like he's so emotionally distant. I've tried bringing it up before and he's quick to remember every dinner he's cooked this week, every back rub, everything. I just don't feel like he puts much thought into anything anymore if that makes any sense? No flowers, no surprises, no sweet texts mid-day, none of that. Yet, every time this porn thing surfaces again and I threaten to leave, he gets emotional, says I mean the world to him, begs for forgiveness and promises to get help (and does, but then stops when he's "all better"). Is he beyond help? Do I just throw in the towel at this point and protect my children from potentially catching their dad in the act? I'm so lost. Please, ask questions if I've left anything out.
Did you find this post helpful?
First Helper verne01
|

replied January 13th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
You are quite right of course, your priority is your kids. They will be sexualised by outside influences soon enough as it is so they shouldn't be exposed to undesirable stuff in their home.
If they should ever get their hands on their dad's phone or computer or he gets careless and they observe him or look over his shoulder; kids naturally get into everything and they will not be stopped by mere adults so it is important there is no more than a couple of innocuous pin-up type pictures on phone or computer. There should be no references at all to porn or porn sites, no history, no cookies, no stored pages or images and no links.

It seems particularly unwholesome that your husband, not only doesn't share your concern but that he doesn't see it as his duty to not only appear as a good role model but to actually be a good role model for his children.

It seems your husband is quite happy in his addiction and any measures he takes to curb it are made simply to appease you and as a way of manipulating you. His behaviour is that of a small boy who does good deeds only to justify and cancel out the naughty stuff. Religious nuts display similar ill-adjusted and juvenile tendencies when ten minutes in the confessional and an hour of penance becomes a reasonable payment for the right to do whatever they like.

I think your husband has been manipulating you for a long time either by design, instinct or habit. It might not have began that way but forgiveness has been so easily granted in the past it has become a way of life for him.
For this I think you must bear your share of the blame.

Whether you decide to leave or to stay is up to you but it would be foolish to expect him to change. No amount of therapy will help a person to change unless there is a desire to change and clearly he doesn't want to change and if he says he does it is only because it is expedient for him to make that claim. He relies heavily on everyone else being too polite to call him a liar without the evidence of factual statistics and he relies heavily on being forgiven after performing a penance even though he considers there is nothing to forgive as he believes he does nothing wrong.

I think your husband has the thought processes of a child so in practice it will probably be impossible to concentrate his mind sufficiently to see himself as you see him and so he is likely to be incapable of any permanent change. Attempts to concentrate his mind is likely to result in temporary change simply to appease you. Almost everything he is likely to see simply as a means to an end - a way to get his own way with the least unpleasantness...

Such a man needs a dominant mother figure far more than he needs a wife...

You would need something really radical to make even the tiniest dent in his confidence; something like sending his boss an anonymous letter suggesting if he observes your husband covertly he could discover he is a porn addict and is misusing company time and facilities.

Whatever you do it is time to stop expecting him to behave differently but to tell him in the most forceful way you can how he is to behave and either he toes the line or there will be consequences. Rule one should be his phone is switch off as soon as he arrives home. Rule two could be he doesn't use his computer unless you are supervising and if he even accidentally lands on a porn site you will put a hammer through it.
That there is a time and a place for everything and anything else is inappropriate or just plain wrong is the attitude of the dominant mother figure he should have had 15 years ago.

Good luck!
|
Did you find this post helpful?