Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

Husband changed, scared he leaves! scared when he gets home.

Hi,
We have been married since 2 years. From quite the beginning he couldn't handle conversations. Just short and sweet as he always said. They affect his brain and make it uncomfortable so I had to deal with him just getting up during conversation, leaving the room or doing other things to distract himself.
He has (at present) every day headaches, noise in the head and tightness at the back of his brain. They go up and down but are always at least at low level. Before he met me he had some scans as he thought he had a tumor but it turned out that he didn't.

After we married his head symptoms got worse or it just showed more as he was in no emotional relationship since 12 years. His wife died 2008, they were divorced 2001. Married again bec of insurance and her cancer in 2005. He never had another woman just me and her.

After a while there were strange things like anger. He could be super nice, saying I love you forever and doing lots of things for me what other man wouldn't do but then there are the days when he is different, irritable and gets upset over something small. It gets him into another stage where he looses all his feelings and emotions. He has no compassion or desire for me anymore and doesn't care what happens. In that stage he is very unreasonable, rude and doesn't love me!!!!
When we married he had tears in his eyes hugged me and said he will make me as happy as possible. 2 days later at a minor thing he wanted out and a divorce. Next day he took it back and cried. That happened often in the beginning.
After lots of bad stuff including one time him running after me and putting a pillow on my face to stop me to talk, and lots of ups and downs we went to a psychiatrist and he said its bipolar rapid cycling. He was 74. We went again 6 months later this time the guy was 78 and said I agree with my colleague but he could hardly write. I don't trust them. I had also met some girl on the internet who forwarded my mails to a mount Sinai NY hospital psychiatrist and she said I think it's schizoaffective disorder but she hasn't seen him.

I don't know what he really has but something is very wrong with him. I'm going to be honest on this forum because he's also been violent but I don't want people to focus on that. I just want to say it as part of the problem and want answers to other more important questions. As I'm very well aware of the issue of safety and I'm not scared of him. Much more hurtful is the emotional pain I suffer and I'm quite sure he wouldn't do anything anyway. But I want to mention that aspect.

So, he is for a few days telling me he's honest, never lied to me since we met, loves me more then anyone, believes he's ill and can tell me why he thinks that, he doesn't get angry or misunderstands. Treats me good. (Still I got now to the point that I'm every day scared when he gets home if he's still the same guy)

So on those days he's very nice, it's all about me and pleasing me and he's almost over the top with that. (The cycles were for the first year: 4 days good and a few manic, then got to 2-3 days manic and 2 days good consistently for a few months. They are now 4-7 good and 5-8 manic)

Its about 6 days of him being very attentive and nice (he even then when his moods are stable and good has a big problem with capacity, we start to talk he can only do this for a few mins, then he needs a break, I read something and after only 8 mins he says his brain is full, break again, when we watch a movie he doesn't talk afterwards, sometimes he gets sharp pain for a few seconds). Many times my voice bothers his brain and he tells me to talk very quiet and slow. He doesn't ask me questions and says it's only because he's worried I go into it.

Then after us being very close for 6 days its always something small, sometimes he couldn't take the talking suddenly anymore and got upset and angry. Or something different. Or he misunderstands. He really most of the time hates talking, on his good days he can do it and does it for me, on the bad days or the lots of pain days he can't handle anything. Sometimes at night he says a few things. Sometimes if I only say one sentence he freaks out as his brain is not good. (Does this sound like bipolar? What could that be?)
And I'm not saying that I can ever have discussions with him, he never goes into something it's all very shallow, he never wants to know abt my past or asks me questions, but emotionally he seems to be a deep person he's very expressive and showing lots of passion and says often he loves me.

So something small happens. If a bump or misunderstanding happens on the good days I can explain and he gets it and is fine. Now all this doesn't work anymore. He gets upset and is unkind to me and might already say something bad like blaming me and saying it's all my fault. He basically suddenly starts to change first his feelings he gets angry and all his love goes away. Then he changes all his believes about what we said on every good day and thinks exactly the opposite. It's her fault, I'm ok, I'm not sick, it's her, breaking all promises, wanting out. Thinks bad about me and tells me I'm a liar or manipulator. Or on another manic time tells me I'm causing everything. thinks bad about the situation gets it wrong and I explain but it doesn't work, after a short while he asks me to leave if I don't go he says worse things, even if i do leave and go back he is stuck in this state of mind (for a few days) and tells me that all his feelings have gone or he hates me or peace of sh..., can be violent if I don't go right away. Sometimes with warning, sometimes without. But it's more a threatening violence to make me go like picking a knife or threats. And I run away. I know that sounds bad but I'm not scared of him. So I don't want to go into that.

He has no feelings, no compassion, even if I offer peace he doesn't care. And he is just super cold and only thinks of himself. What mental illness is all that???

Like right now on Monday night! A small thing happened. It turned out if he was single he would marry just to help others with papers he supports that type of thing. I was shocked and wanted to talk he didn't really. And promised we talk tomorrow, the next day he came and talked surprisingly for 20 mins (as his capacity is always very low) I just let him talk and listened.
After 20 mins he felt I still didn't accept it or didn't completely like it (which I didn't) I just have a different opinion. And he got angry. His Phone rang and he said this is more important then you, and left the room. Later he came back blaming, accusing. And saying: you know what, as you always asked if we can't make it and are divorced what I will do later, later I will f... with every woman I can find on the street.

That was the worst for me as I married him bec he had high moral values, he always said he can't separate sex from love and that meant a lot for me. I have very high values bec of my religion. He kept saying that in a very visciously way. He also said his feelings are gone (as always when in that stage) he hates me and if I don't want violence I should leave the room. I did. Later I went back bec I heard him eating dinner I was hoping his mood is better but we talked a bit and I said how much his words hurt me and he said he doesn't care. After a very short while he slapped me on my leg.

This one incidence now changed his whole thinking!!! He now believes: that I'm the one creating problems, that things he says shouldn't bother me, that he is not sick, I'm not even sure if he comes home. He went to work for one day in another city. But has to be back latest tomorrow. But he didn't write all day!!!

But it's unbelievable bec that one thing now changed his whole thinking about our situation. Each day last week we agreed that he has this illness, that we plan to go to Germany as soon as we have my papers to get him properly diagnosed and if the dr says he won't get better we would agree to separate. He also said that it's not my fault, that I don't contribute, that it's all his sickness.

And now he says that we have our problems because I don't get things, that i don't respect him and have to talk about things, that the things he says shouldn't bother me, that he's not sick, that I'm playing with his brain, that I deserve the violence (he always told me he is totally against it).

After he left yesterday, I send him a text and said that I'm heartbroken and what I need from him and I'm crying. and he said he's staying a bad man it's easier. I asked why and he said because: you don't give me peace, you give me headache. You are always trying to make my life miserable.
I said but you remember we always said you can't be with any woman because you always said you can't be in any emotionally deep relationship. His reply: don't go deep then. I said it's not a crime and his reply: if I can't handle it then it is a crime.

He blames me because I did not stop him from talking and explaining his views on marriage and politics for 20 mins on Monday. But I didn't know he wasn't ok as on his good days we can talk short talks for up to 30 mins. and he was only on his third good day. I just listened to him. He went deep and I thought he was on a good day as his mood seemed good. I written that to him.
He replied and said: it doesn't matter don't do ******** conversation with me. He is also angry because it bothers me that he said if he was single he would marry to help people for greencard and that after our marriage as he knows now he's ill he would sleep around all the time with any woman he can find. He knows my values and that it upsets me but a work colleague said to him that I'm crazy and it shouldn't bother me what he says he will do after our marriage. But his moral values are important for me.

And in the end I said: but why would that one thing change your whole attitude about me, about your morals, about your health, about us etc.
his last reply: because I don't have energy to keep up with you anymore.

Now I'm not sure if he's getting out of this episode again like he usually does (he usually gets angry, very bad, then feelings return and he apologizes and takes everything back) or if he can get fed up and just leave?
Our plan was to go to Germany and get help and then make a decision together there. But now he doesn't think he's sick anymore. I'm so scared he's leaving me!?? Last week, even on Sunday, we were so close and he said to me: it's hard for me to listen to you talking but as soon as you leave the room I'm already missing you.
His complete views and everything totally changed again. This time he even thinks he's not sick anymore. Will he come back?
What illness could this be?
Someone suggested schizophrenia? ADHD or borderline? But he has almost no depression. And no suicide tendencies at all.

Very very glad for any helpful advise. Just a bit about me: I have very high moral values, I'm just a normal woman, I never shout, never get angry or abusive, I can't do it bec of my religion, I forgiven him over and over and we have a very deep love. But he goes between 2 different mindsets. As soon as something happens he thinks it's me that I'm bad to him and changed all his feelings and ideas, promises etc.
I hope he goes back to his other thinking. I'm so scared he doesn't and sticks with this now. I don't talk too much just to say it, especially not with him as I'm walking often on egg shells, I had 5 boyfriends in my life and no one ever said I talk too much, in fact they all said I was an intellectual and interesting person. But I just can't share anything with my husband. Most of the time not.

I have no relatives or family in general!! It's already heartbreaking! My father committed suicide in 2012. I have no friends in this country. I have one thing and this is very high separation anxiety. That's the only thing I have. I am absolutely terrified that he is going to leave me!!! It's a pain I can't describe which comes from my past and I would do anything to avoid that. Plus on top if he leaves i would be utterly alone. Too much for sure !!! I lost lots of weight over the last 2 years, I couldn't work because of the mood swings he has. And have no money.
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replied June 16th, 2014
Community Volunteer
How old are the two of you...
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replied June 16th, 2014
Hi he is 51. I'm 37.
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replied July 8th, 2014
Experienced User
avan77
I'm thinking about you. You are in a really tough spot.

Hope you can get some support and help.

Take care of you.
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replied June 16th, 2014
Community Volunteer
Hi again avan77....It sounds like schizophrenia more than Bipolar...He really should be under the care of a competent psychiatrist...Not one who is 78 years old...but one who is younger and more able to understand his problems...

I can't understand why you fear his leaving you...You would be much happier without this kind of stress and chances are that he will continue to get worse...He could also harm you...The mind is a real challenge and IMO, he has a very serious problem...Often with Bipolar you go in and out of personalities...Life has it against you and you against life...You play games...I don't think he is playing any game and is simply confused...

Good luck and I hope you are able to get some help and find some peace...Take care...

Caroline...
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replied July 8th, 2014
Experienced User
Caroline you siad it so well. I'm glad you had the words cause I don't. But I feel so much for avan77.
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replied July 28th, 2014
Experienced User
hello again avan77
I just read your post again. I can really identify with your feelings. Especially being afraid that he will leave you. Thankfully my psychiatrist sent me to a "day treatment" program to help with my depression that was getting worse. It made me see my part in my sad life. It took 12 weeks to complete but I learnbedso much about why I stayed with him. It was my childhood that had me so insecure. I think needy as well. Now that I'm stronger I know I do not have to accept this behaviour no matter what the reason. Take care of you first so you can get stronger. I was falling apart before I did the group support. so many people who are going through the same thing or similar. You can be honest and learn so much. I hate to think of you dreading when he comes home not knowing how he'll be... I'm not focusing on your safety at all but you could get hurt simply because he is sick and so erratic. Ask for help and use it please. I care about you. Get strong ( I know you can do it) and stay strong for you.............no-one else. You will be okay if you take care of yourself. He sounds like a sick man who needs help. Professional help. If you are able to get him some great but if that doesn't work then let go. When you feel more secure your new life will begin. Please write again.
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