Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

husband blows up

I really don't know where to start. I have been with my husband since I was 17 years old. We have been together for so long that I am afraid the only reason I am still with him is because he is all I know. We have two beautiful young children. I don't want to hurt them in all of this. One thing I do know is that on a daily basis, we fight. He talks to me like I am stupid, and makes me feel inadiquate! He expects me to be able to read his mind if he can't get the right words out of his mouth to communicate. He has a very bad temper and cusses me all the time. He never hits me or anything like that but I hate to have friends over because I am afraid that he will embarrass me by blowing up about something. He can be irrate one minute and act like nothing happens the next. All of this seems to just get worse with the more time I let go by. I have tried to communicate with him but he blames everything on me. It all comes back to be my my fault in some way or fashion. I know that I am not innocent by any means. I just don't know if I am doing the right thing by thinking about leaving this marriage. I know that I am not happy but I have to think about my two wonderful kids. I just feel like I don' t have a clue as to who I really am anymore. When we go out to dinner, we don't have a conversation. I don't know what to say to him because half the time I'm afraid something will set him off. Sometimes he is busy talking to someone he sees. As far as our sex life, well there is not much of one anymore. I can't bring myself to be with him cause of the way he has been treating me. He doesn't make me feel special enough. Am I wrong here? I am looking for some type of help here. I have no one to talk to about this. Its sad that I have to come to a place like this for guidance. I support him in everything he does and he knows that. He tells everyone he sees how he is married to the best wife in the world. I basically don't complain when he wants something or goes somewhere.
Sometimes he can be a great husband. But those times are few and far between anymore. I love this man more than anything but I can not live like this anymore. I feel like I fake smile all the time. When we are together, I feel uneasy cause I'm afraid I will set him off in some way. I can't remember the last time I had fun with him. I can't remember the last time I felt as though I could truely open up to him. I need a companion. I need someone I can have fun with without having to worry if I will set him off in some way. I need someone to love me no matter what and support me in everything. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to be happy. Am I being too selfish? Any advise would be helpful.
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replied May 3rd, 2008
Active User, very eHealthy
Dear nDenial?:

Sorry, no one has responded to your post yet. Sometimes, you are married so long and get so comfortable with one person, you tend to overlook their flaws or you begin to compensate for them. But, then they change or become abusive and you are stuck with a loveless marriage.

It definitely sounds as if you have reached the end of your rope with your husband. The mere fact that you can't talk with him indicates that you have no communication at all. I don't believe any of this is your fault. With two kids to look after, you're right, you do need to do what's in their best interest.

I don't know if you've ever tried to stand up to him and say this is not how you want to be treated. If not, start doing it and let him know you are unhappy. He obviously thinks nothing of your feelings and you should have a partner that supports you, not criticizes you constantly.

There is always therapy to discuss your problems with a third party, but I'm guessing your husband doesn't think there is a problem. He's not unhappy, so everything is fine. Usually someone like that won't see a therapist.

At any rate, you need to make a change, one that is best for you and your kids. Do you have a job or a way to support yourself if you did leave? There are always shelters because, in your case, it sounds like you are being verbally abused. No woman should have to put up with any type of abuse.

I know you are hurting and that it is a giant step to even talk about divorce, but it sounds as though you are considering it. My advice is to give him a final chance to change his attitude towards you and, if he does not, then tell him you are separating from him (to live with relatives, go to a shelter or some other arrangement). Make him understand that you mean business.

Remember, this is your life and you deserve to be happy. There are plenty of men out there who know how to treat a woman and how to provide support. Good luck and if you need to talk, please send me a private message.
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replied May 8th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
Re: I need some advise!!!! Please!!!!
ndenial? wrote:
We have two beautiful young children. I don't want to hurt them in all of this. .
By being in an abusive relationship such as this one *is* hurting your children. Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how you treat people? Have you thought of counceling? If that is not an option I suggest divorce. You and your children cannot live like that for the rest of your lives.
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replied May 7th, 2011
Don't always put your children before yourself.. It's fine you take care of them and make sure they don't get hurt or effected by this, but you still need to put yourself first. The reason why I say that is, you have to make yourself happy first before you can take care of your childeen and make them happy. They won't be completely happy when they notice and are effected by mom's miserableness. How are you going to take care of your kids if you don't take care of yourself and that goes for your emotions too. I'm going to tell you straight forward, you are in an (emotionally) abusive relationship. Whether you decide to leave or not is up to you ultimately, but I would suggest trying marriage counceling with your husband first before you make that final decision. You should also seek individual counceling, it'll help you to feel better just talking with someone and getting some feedback (or advice) as well.
Keep in mind not all councelors are good at actaully counceling someone, so if you feel you not getting yhe help you need, speak up and let that councelor know or change councelors. You really need help and support to make it through this. I have been in your shoes, but I didn't do anything about it until damage to my self-esteem was already done. Then I needed more extensive counceling. If I were you, act now before things get worse.
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