So I am having horrible mother in law issues. I have only been married shortly over a month now and its already starting. I really thought people joked about in law stuff but I guess they were right. My husband and I have a 4 month old baby boy together and ever since he has been born his mother has been over bearing. LONG STORY so just warning you.

The day our son was born his mother made sure she was there. I found that very nice of her at the time. Well my own mother came to share the joy of having a grandchild also but his mother hogged our son from my mother. My mom being understanding and all said she would come back the following day and see him. After that my husband insisted on his parents taking our son for weekends so we could have a "break". Well thats ok and all but they live over 3 hours away and having my 4 week old that far away from me was not something I wanted. Considering my own mother isn't allowed to share the same amount of time with our son.

This has been going on since he was 4 weeks old, he is now a little over 4 months old. I have finally said NO to her because it makes me very uncomfortable having my child that far away from me and also mad that my husband wont allow my mother who is in the same town to see my son. When saying no to her she has flipped out and said I am trying to keep her grandchild out of her life. Well first of all I'm not. Second what is her son doing to my mother? Well to back track a little the day before I said no she had flipped out because my brother who lives 4 hours away was coming to stay with us for 3 days to see his nephew. She said well he can come another time. I found that to be so rude and controlling.

So since I said no to her my husband has threatened to divorce me in not so many words and said his parents (mainly his mother) has been nothing but nice to me. He says I'm trying to control him by doing this and I really hurt his family. But in return he is hurting my mother. He will allow anyone in my family (I have 5 siblings) see our son but my mother. He is hurting the relationship I have with my mother. Anytime I tell my mom our son is going to stay with his other grandparents she gets very hurt and its hurting my relationship with my other siblings. My husband doesn't understand in my eyes I see it as only fair that our son spends equal amount of time with my mother.
His mother is running our lives. She has gone as far as scheduling things for our son and telling me when to be there. Well thats ok and all but he is my SON! She has already raised her's.

I am lost on what to do. I don't even want to face his mother because of the issues she has caused in this marriage. She controls him to this day and he doesn't see it. He pushing my family away from me and I do not understand why. My family has done nothing wrong and my mom has been more than nice to him. She gave him a place to stay over a year ago when he had no where to go. I have tried to discuss this with him over and over again that my mother has grandparents rights just as his do but he doesn't care. He says he doesn't want to be with me if I'm going to allow our son to see my mom. I'm very hurt this has put me into a horrible depression and caused me pain in many ways.

Can you please give me advice on how to get through to him? And understand he goes to his mom about anything I say to him so more and less its going to be his mother speaking or responding. I have gone as far as saying we will not share our marriage problems with our parents...well HA funny because this marriage problem is because of his mother.

I guess any advice will help! thanks so much for taking the time to read this.
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First Helper User Profile JuzziJessi
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replied October 27th, 2008
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Have you suggested seeing a family therapist who can help mediate the situation?
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replied October 27th, 2008
The issue with that is his family is over 3 hours away from us and money. And also my husband isn't willing to do that because he sees nothing wrong.
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replied October 28th, 2008
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I see. That is a little more difficult to address. If he sees no problem with the current situation, and there is no incentive for him to change ... he won't.

Are there cultural reasons that might explain why he wants you to separate from your family?
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replied October 28th, 2008
You know there isn't but he uses money alot and throws that in my face because he was raised rich and I wasn't. I dunno.
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replied October 28th, 2008
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Well, are you ready to adapt to this or is it a deal-breaker? Does he realise how important the issue is to you?
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replied October 28th, 2008
You know it is a deal breaker and no he doesn't seem to care that it bothers me. I'm really stuck. Because this is hurting my relationship I have with my family.
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replied March 4th, 2009
I know this is a late reply, but here it is anyway. You may have more problem with your husband than your MIL. Work it out between the 2 of you first. If that doesn't work, your MIL situation will go nowhere. I know. I had a problem with my exMIL, and I got divorced. Now, I'm remarried, MIL living with us (depending on us financially), with 2 young kids. I do have problems with MIL (she's only mean to me), but I tried working it out WITH MY HUSBAND. I know it's very difficult. It won't take overnight. Be sure to take care of yourself first. And always count your blessing that you have your family around to help you out. Mine is half around the world.
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replied March 4th, 2009
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i dont know if things have worked out for you or not with your mother inlaw issues, but if things are still bad you are not alone.

i have the same issues, not as big as yours, but my mother inlaw has been controlling at times with how we raise our child.
I have a 6 month old, and she tells me how to do things and says this is how its going to be rather than suggest things.
I now just let what ever she says which i feel is controlling go in one ear and out the other, and parent the way i feel is best.
You are the parent, you raise your son how you feel is best, and like every other parent out there in this world, you learn from mistakes as you go.
It sounds as if your mother inlaw is controlling your husband.
But you really need to stand up for yourself, mother and son. Your parents have as much right as his do to see their grandson and nephew.
And if that is too hard for your husband to grasp then maybe suggest a family counsellor. Because this is not a healthy relationship.

You should confront your mother inlaw about this, and get down to the reason why your husband and her dont want you mother to see her grandchild. Because she is the route of the whole problem here.

If i were in your situation, i would take my child and see my mother and other siblings when i wanted to. You dont have to sit there and agree to not seeing your family just because your husband and mother inlaw dont want you to go there.

My mother sees my son and i almost every other week-end. We spend the night with her, and my mom gets to bond and play with her grandson, and my 2 brothers get to play with their nephew. We arrange for all this to happen, and either i drive there, or she picks us up.

Mother inlaws always try to control things. Because every woman-i feel-who has been a parent already, thinks the know it all as to how to raise kids, and dont really want to even listen to a different way of doing things. Their way is the best and only way to do things.

Its really up to you and what you feel is best. and i would even agree that a 3 hour drive away from my child is a tad bit far even if he were with family..i would still rather be there than away from him.

Hopefully this can -or has- been resolved, like the poster before me said, it wont take over night to solve this, but maybe a family counsellor could help work this out.

good luck hun.
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replied May 5th, 2009
Your husband is forgetting that you come FIRST, not his mother. He has had his time with her, when you got married it was his time to leave his mother and put you FIRST. That's all there is to it. He needs to tell her straight up what the situation is or he is not being a good husband by not supporting your ideas and feelings. That's what husbands do.
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replied May 11th, 2009
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call his bluff!!!!! when your really frustrated and you cant take it no more...leave with your son and your husband world will be shattered. at this point you can demand anything you want. i would demand counseling.

he's a moma's boy!

i dated a moma's boy and he told her all our business, he listened to her advice, she was always in our relationship. he would always cry to her. if she seems possessive to you, but if he was raised like that then he may not see any problem with it.
did you know she was like this before you married him.
i know how hard it is living with someone you love but not on the same train as them. though i wasnt married so it was easier for me to walk away.
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replied May 10th, 2011
If I was in your situation, I would have told her no from the beginning. A baby NEEDS his/her mother with him/her at all times when they are first born. HELLO! It is scary that both your husband and his mother don't see that. You know ... you have the authority to say no and stand your ground to your mother in-law, and to your husband ... you are your son's mother after all.
The way your MIL and husband are behaving ... well, I don't want to scary you or cause you to run to your husband and mention this .... but, it kind of sounds like the MIL is trying to take your son away from you ... and your husband. When my husband and I first got married, my step-daughter ( at the time was about to turn 1Cool didn't like the fact that she wasn't controlling daddy anymore. She didn't like it that he loved somebody else, too. So she did everything she could think of to get him to not marry me ... even threatening him that if he married me, she would move out. We married and she moved out. She even tried to ruin our wedding. This is were your situation sounds like mine, years ago. Of course, we always had marriage problems because of the step daughter ( she was still trying to break us up ). After my daughter was born ... my step daughter was constantly telling my husband that if him and I got a divorce ... he should keep the baby. My husband and her were always taking my mom job away from me. One day, I came home from an appt and the nursery was completely done. He let her pick out the theme and he picked out the furniture. And this was after I had already picked out what I wanted ... we just hadn't bought it yet. They would both feed her first and change her. I wasn't getting the chance to be HER mommy. The step daughter was even trying to tell my husband what religion my daughter was going to be. Now ... 10 years later ... I'm having the same problem with my mother in-law ... but not in regards to my daughter ... it is with my husband. I don't even feel as if I'm a wife ... thanks to my MIL. I can't take it.
I will send positive thoughts your way. I hope your husband changes his mentality and tell his mom to back off.
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replied March 18th, 2012
I would march you and that baby straight over to your mothers! How dare they! You are trying to be fair, and they have the nerve to disrespect you like that? Oh NO GIRL! You do the right thing and divide up equal time between BOTH grandmothers! If they don't like it, then ask them how happy they would be when you have full custody after the divorce, and you will get to choose which hours of the day they are allowed! Tell them to sit down, and have a kool-aid, and shut up!
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replied July 14th, 2012
Amen! lol... that's exactly how it should be done!
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replied July 14th, 2012
I don't see why you are putting up with this. I mean I know you probably love your husband (I don't know how you can love him after all this) and you probably think you can work things out. However, if your husband doesn't cooperate and is treating you badly and sides with his mom... well I think you should leave. I know it's hard but think about your child. Do you seriously want him to be raised by people like that? I would be worried if my son had a father and a grandmother like that. You can probably have full custody of the child and decide who can see him and when. I think the problem is that you and your mother are very nice and soft about this issue. There's no point in putting up with this anymore if no one is trying to change their ways. At this rate you are going to lose your chance to enjoy your baby.

Think about yourself and your son first.
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