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How to save a sex-starved relationship?

I have a wonderful partner who is a great human being. She is everything I could ever wish for. I enjoy her company and the intellectual conversations we have with each other. I love her, truly. She loves me more. We are engaged. I wish to keep her happy, forever. I cannot imagine a life without her. Neither can she without me. Our families have met and everyone is happy. I have no complaints against her, except for this one darn thing.

She is asexual-completely indifferent to sex. She does not feel sexually attracted to me, but she loves me with all her heart. She is repelled and petrified by the idea of penetration. On the other hand, I am sexually very enthusiastic, rather kinky, and frequently crave for episodes of intense sexual engagement-the total opposite of her. Nevertheless, I am ready to give up on penetration, but I long for some form of sexual fulfilment on a regular basis, such as oral sex. One good thing about her is that she is open to experimentation (if she has the time-she is a very busy person). We have experimented and found that she enjoys clitoral stimulation and her hymen is broken but any form of penetration, such as by means of fingers, leaves her with an uncomfortable "burning sensation" inside her, so penetration in any form is off the table. I am happy to compromise a little and go forward with non-penetrative sex. She too has agreed to engage in oral sex and learn how to do it reasonably well so that I can enjoy it. And I love her for that. And there is no problem, at least theoretically.

Well, in practical implementation, it is worse than you think. She does not give any importance to sex and would be repelled by the idea of taking time off her busy schedule to research on how to improve her sexual life, even if I casually send her links to such articles. She has more important things to think about and do than waste time reading up on the importance of sex or actually engage in such activities (although she wants to fulfil my sexual needs, perhaps in pity for me, but hardly finds the time). In fact, she felt pressurized and hurt by my openness about this issue and my trying to sway her into being sexually more active. She asked me not to mention about sex to her again and see if she craves for it naturally. So, I have been keeping quiet all this while and waiting indefinitely. She, being asexual, would never feel the urge. She will not understand my difficulty either. So, I gave in to masturbating myself to relief every day. She is indifferent, as expected. I do not blame her-that is her natural sexual orientation.

Anyway, I am afraid that this deprivation will lead to a constant growth of sexual frustration within me, which might lead me to infidelity. That is the worst thing I can do to her. She is very possessive about me. Polyamory is out of the question. She would be devastated. I cannot do that to her. I will be devastated. But I cannot resist the growing feeling of dissatisfaction and the urge to go out and do something wild. If there were a switch in my brain to turn off all my sexual urges, I would be glad to flick that switch and become asexual for her. But right now, my body is betraying my mind. I am not able to think of any resolution to this. I love her. But there is a sex-monkey in my brain which is growing wild with every passing day of sexual deprivation. The worst thing would be to have that monkey take control of my life-cruise. I want to crush that monkey to death, or find relief in some other way. Please advise.
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First Helper ppowb
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replied March 25th, 2018
Extremely eHealthy
Sympathy. Your urges are natural and will lead to frustration if not satisfied. Have you talked to her about where her attitude comes from - parental talk or even child sexual abuse?

I can understand that suggestive talk, requests or imagery might be a turn off and best avoided.

Can you get her used to skin to skin contact with some nice body massage? Start with a nice shoulder rub. Evidently she has never masturbated to orgasm and probably thinks that would be dirty. When you talk oral sex, try to start on her. Most women enjoy oral clitoral stimulation. Would she take a shower with you?

I wonder if she would experiment with a sex toy if you bought her one. She would probably ridicule the idea but might play with it when alone.

She sounds like an important part of your life. I think you should gently and quietly see if change is possible. If it is not, you may reluctantly have to move on.
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replied March 26th, 2018
Thank you for your suggestions. You see, she is always too busy during the day, even on weekends and holidays, for me to initiate a physically intimate session. During the night, she is always too tired. I understand that sex is not on her priority right now and she has far more important and urgent things to do every day. While I understand her point of view, what I do not understand is how I should deal with this. I do not want to end up cheating on her. But I am not sure how long I can restrain myself.
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