Medical Questions > Mental Health > Bipolar Relationships Forum

How do I get through to him before it's too late??

I've lived with my boyfriend for about 8 months. He is on meds for depression. After a lot of research I am pretty sure he is type 2 bipolar.

After moving in together I noticed his mood swings and that he'd go into cycles of extreme irritableness and drinking very often.

One week was really bad. He was so moody and shut me out, was talking down to me. I thought this was going to be him forever.

I waited days and he stayed in his mood. I finally told him I wanted to sell the house. I can't live like this everyday.

He instantly snapped out of his mood and promised there would be changes. He did make noticeable changes and stuck to them. He cut back on drinking and when his moods came back he had more control and it wasn't as difficult to be around him.

He told me that buying our house was a commitment and he wanted to marry me. That after his marriage ended and dating for the last few years, he realized its easier to fix what you have, the grass is not greener and that because we do have a lot in common, similar goals, etc that unless someone cheated, anything can be fixed. Too many people just walk away instead of solving problems.

I forgave him and said I wanted to work things out too. And I agreed with him.

The moods would come back and I wasn't very understanding. I told him again a few months later I was going to end things. This time it was in hope that he would snap out of it again. He did for a week and it was great. Then he suddenly told me if I want it done he's done. That I chipped away at him and he doesn't care anymore. He then went and stayed at his parents for a week.

At first I thought it was for the best but then I realized I would rather work through this. That the good outweighs the bad and that there's things I can do differently when he's stuck in a mood. He told me too little too late. He was very angry for the first week and impossible to talk to so I gave him space.

He's been staying off and on at home. We are supposed to be listing the house next week.

I was starting to have hope as a few times he seemed to be following me in the house and we would talk about work, our day...

I waited a couple of weeks as I knew pushing to talk to soon wouldn't go well and then brought up reconciling. Back to square one. He said no he's done and wants the house sold and withdrew again.

I feel he's stuck in a mood and doesn't really want this. He's told me before when we've worked things out that he meant at the time what he was saying but wasn't himself. Deep down he doesn't mean it and thanked me for not giving up on him.

I feel I understand him more than ever and our relationship can be a lot better. But I don't know what to do as a last resort to snap him out of this. I know he cares even though he denies it. We are having some $ issues too that are short term but he doesn't see this right now and keeps saying it will only be better if we sell house which that's not true.

He's not as extreme as I've heard some people are and he does make efforts. I want to be supportive of him not just walk away and give up. I love this man and I've gotten through to him before but right now I'm at a loss. We blended our families and our children want us to work this out.

I know there may be nothing I can do but what can I try as a last resort?
Any suggestions??
Did you find this post helpful?
First Helper theoasis77
|

User Profile
replied October 12th, 2013
its definitely difficult...but you do know he cares and that took me forever to believe that with my bipolar fiance...for me i would tell him you wont go anywhere and if he wants to sell the house then fine but that you made the commitment out of love and regardless of what happens that love will remain and you still believe in him...

I told my fiance that she successfully pushed away her family and exes...but i refuse to abandon her no matter what..told her i know shes in pain and she shouldnt have to face it alone and when she leaves i will chase her and id rather be her punching bag than let her cry alone...i love her and thats the bottom line
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 13th, 2013
Love is not the answer here... Doesn't matter what you do... She will leave you for another guy like you were nothing no matter how amazing you were. It takes them sometimes 1 week, and they can move in with people, they just don't care when they are manic. My gf was a great girl, great with money, loved me more then words... Then she went off meds and it was all over like a switch, I could have been dying of cancer and she wouldn't even care. Are you ready for that? Then you are super man, and yet I thought I was. Understanding? Supportive? Always there? Is that you? Well that was me, when they are sick, it's game over regardless what you do. Best of luck though, hope you are one of the 5% that survive with someone with bipolar that don't care what they have or are in denial.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 12th, 2013
Any suggestions what I can do to try to get through to him? I really believe we can restore things but he's being so stubborn right now. I feel he's stuck and he's being very irrational and I am at a loss how to snap him out if it before it's too late.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied October 13th, 2013
My suggestion is support him...let him go nuts and take it...its not always going to be that way...you have to realize, if you think hes worth it...that the moods will pass in their own time and you cant truly control it...all you can do is help him deal with it...i play her punching bag until she is ok with life again...
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 13th, 2013
You can't... Run and don't look back. I waited, prayed, did everything possible for the woman that loved me for 5 years... There's no point. 8 months with a bipolar person is nothing, you probably met him manic, so it won't work either way. Bipolar people can't take anti depression only, it will send them into mania over and over... Leave now, you can't help him, cuz he will always have this and be this way. Proper medication and diagnosed is the only way and even then most will get tired and bored of it and go off meds to live a crazy manic life of sex, drugs, alcohol, and pain. Want to live in the twilight zone like I did for the past year? No? Then go find someone good and healthy in the head.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied October 13th, 2013
It isnt sunshine and rainbows, i will give you that...but not all bipolars are so out of cpnyrol that they will be basehead hookers...my girl is tough...she has never in her life cheated on me or anyone else...she hasnt been on meds for five years and she has painful battles with manic episodes in which she can punch me in the face without remorse but she doesnt run off on me...so to define all bipolars as you have is unfair and ignorant...she has loved me for seven years out pf fear i waited five years before getting romantic with her...not everyone is the same...and not everyone is strong enough to stand by a sick person and love them unconditionally
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied October 13th, 2013
Thank you. It's nice to hear a more positive reply. My man is not a cheater either and he's never been physically abusive. He's very strong when it comes to his career and he has more good moods than bad.

His main issue is irritability and getting depressed. I wasn't being as supportive as I should've been and understanding. Instead I would nag and threaten to break up with him. Now he's given up and I see what I've done wrong and it's like he's fixated on the bad and pushing me away. I've given him space and we are not arguing anymore but he won't give it another chance for me to show him I can be patient and understanding and just leave him alone when he's down. Any suggestions what I can do?

He has made comments that he can't count on anyone. I do love him enough to stand by his side forever. There are so many positive things about him. Right now it's like talking to a brick wall.
|
Did you find this post helpful?

User Profile
replied October 14th, 2013
Just keep telling him you want him back and really vocalize that you will wait and love him no matter what...let him know that you dont want to be one of those people he cant count on but you are still learning how to love, that its a struggle and you arent perfect but you are sorry for not accepting all of him in the past but because you love him and wont give up on him like all the others you need his forgiveness...if he knows all that than he is a fool not to let you back in...but i think in time he will.come around
|
Did you find this post helpful?

replied December 23rd, 2013
I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I spent several years where you are and it is mind-twisting and heart-wrenching.
What has really stuck out for me in your posts is how much you are blaming yourself. I identify with that because I did the same thing in your situation. My ex did not cheat and he was not verbally or physically abusive to me. I used to think he was just stubborn and needed help. I used to say-if only I was more supportive-if only I was more understanding. So every time he pulled away, I worked on making myself a better woman for him. I worked on being more supportive and more understanding. And I think I can say I may have gotten it down to a science. And guess what, nothing changed. The only thing that changed in our relationship was me. The only person putting any energy into the relationship was me.
This is an emotional trap so many women fall into. We excuse their lack of effort with depression, stubbornness, etc. What I learned from it was that all relationships need both parties participating in the growth of the relationship. When one is running away or hiding, and the other is scouring the internet, talking to whomever they can find for advice, well, I'm sorry but that means there is only one person in the relationship trying.
You said you should have been understanding to his irritability. What does 'understanding' mean to you exactly? I used to think being understanding meant meeting his needs and overlooking my own. Now understanding has a new meaning to me-it means understanding that he has emotional issues that need to be addressed and there is only person that can address them-Him. And I understand that I am human, I am not perfect, and I have needs too. And I deserve to have those needs met by the man I give my love and understanding to. That's what a healthy relationship is.
You might want to try researching the sensitive, introvert narcissist. Many people that come off as having problems with depression are really just these types. The damage they do to women emotionally is excruciating.
There are plenty of great men out there that are looking for a woman to give them the kind of love and support you are clearly giving this man. The difference with them as opposed to these other guys is that they return it.
I know it's hard because you clearly love him very much but sometimes we need to take a step back, put some space between ourselves and our emotions and take a look from a different angle to see what it is that we are really involved in.
I wish you the absolute best. You sound like you have a huge heart and a lot of love to give.
|
Did you find this post helpful?