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How do I deal with this never-ending anxioty?

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I may do something I'll regret if I don't ask for help soon.
In order to understand my problem you have to understand my circumstances. I'm a fifteen year old girl and I come from a very christian background. My parents won't except anyone who isn't our specific type of christian, ESPECIALLY not one of their children. They don't believe in homosexuality or inter-racial marriages either, but that's not the point. Anyway, I went through this whole experience where I committed myself to the Lord, and held fast to it for a very long time.
Now to the problem. I have this brother who is an atheist, but my parents don't know. If they find out they'll kick him out, or disown him or something. Now you have to understand that for all of my life I've held my dear brother on a pedestal, drinking in every word he said. I love him with all of my heart, and him in pain would kill me.
But him being in trouble isn't my only problem. He's slowly convincing me of the 'falsehood' and the 'illusion' of God. I find evolution fascinating, I find Darwin a genius and Dawkins a greatly intelligent man. It's very tempting to jump into the blue sea of science and live quite happily. Crosswise, Christianity gives me a beautiful feeling of happiness and purity that I also could live quite happily with. The question is which one?
If I choose Christianity, my brother automatically, according to the Bible, has committed an unforgivable sin of blasphemy and is sent to a fate of burning in Hell until God summons everyone to heaven for eternity, but I would save myself, go to heaven.
If I choose Atheism, my brother is 'saved' by default, to me, because Hell wouldn't exist and when we die, he doesn't go to Hell but instead our atoms scatter, forming back into the universe we were evolved from.
Both are beautiful options I would love to live in.
But what happens if I choose the second and God exists? We're thrown to Hell,. Should I choose option two and save my brother? Or should I choose option one and send him to Hell?
I don't really care what happens to me anyway, I'm a terrible person under a facade of an innocent girl, everyone thinks I'm such a sweet, kind, intelligent valedictorian-candidate, but really I have secrets and fears and worries to make me toss and turn at night, and not be able to eat. But I have to sleep, I have to eat or else someone will find out what's wrong, then I'll really be in trouble. My brother will be thrown out, I'll be looked down on by my parents, and my friends will no doubt avoid me. Then I'll be alone and none of my problems will be fixed at all.
Basically, I have a religious dilemma. I can't talk to anyone about it for one of two reasons. Firstly, my family is not an option because it would worry them/ get my brother kicked out. My friends for the same reason. I can't ask a boyfriend because I've never had one (I'm overweight). Secondly, no matter who I ask, everyone has some opinion of religion. Their response to my question would not be according to what is true, but according to their own personal belief system. If I ask a christian, I get a christian answer, I ask an atheist, I get an atheist answer.
What do I do? I've cried more tears in the last few weeks than ever in my life. I've nearly given up on the future, because right now seems too impossible to get through. I just wish I would’ve never known one choice or the other, or never have to make this decision at all. I want to ask for help so bad that I want to literally tear at my hair and pull it out of my skull. I just want to be able to sleep at night, to be able to eat without the revulsion of guilt. It may not seem important in the least to you, but this is my life, and I'm reaching out for someone, anyone to help me. Please.
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replied August 18th, 2011
you are not alone.
i feel the same pain,
dont give up, there is hope, i have seen it.
you will be happy one day, I promise you
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replied August 31st, 2011
just let go, be neutral. keep your respect for others and for the creator, and fall in with what you need to, to survive. you dont have to agree or disagree with your brother, the word 'maybe' and a smile is your friend. an ancient master once said- knowledge breeds doubt, and doubt makes you want more knowledge. forget darwinism and all theory, and just live in the moment. the more you learn the more youre going to doubt. if you can stick to what you know in your heart, with your respect for others and the creator that i can feel you have, christian or not will not matter. you can be a christian in name and a spiritual, loving person inside. rather than being one or the other you will be one with all people by not competing. accept your brothers choices and be cheerful. you are who you are, it just might be that some opinions youll have to not say for a few years...that is no problem. just dont study too much in doubt, you'll only think more and more. follow how things are now. keep an open mind and wait for the answers to show themselves. you're lucky that your parents are keeping morality in the family, even if it gets a bit strict i believe you are safe and loved and that is wonderful. Smile stay happy and be neutral...say maybe/ i dont know to your bro and be a good example to your parents...that is all you can do and what will be will be. best wishes dear

Garry A
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