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How do I ask my husband if he's gay or bi?

I apologize ahead of time for a long post! A little bit of background.... About 2.5 yrs ago my husband lost interest in sex with me and stopped showing affection. Red flag!! I thought something was wrong with me, but I continue to turn other guys heads. Around August '09 I just had a weird feeling somethings was going on. I couldn't sleep one particular night and sat on the couch. Hubby's phone was next to me so I picked it up to see if there were any new cool apps he downloaded. His yahoo messenger was open and I saw a chat that he was having with a guy where he was talking about still being horny, asking when his wife got home, and my hubby stating that he was looking for coverage for his FD shift to meet him. When I confronted him a few days later he said he was bored and was screwing with this guys mind... He apologized for hurting me, swore he had no intention of meet this guy, and deleted his account.

A few months later(again sensing something was wrong) found chatting apps on his phone. He again apologized yet again when confronted and said it was harmless and he was bored. He was clean, so to speak for a few months and about a month ago I found a profile he posted on plenty of fish where he was looking for women and his headline was "looking for something new". So being on edge I decided to look at his iTunes purchase history and found out that around Sept. he downloaded Grindr. According to the looks of his history it appears that he deleted it a couple of times and reinstalled it. Grindr is for gay, bi and bi-curious guys looking to hook-up with other gay, bi, or bi-curious guys.

As of today's date we have not have sex or any intimacy for 1 yr 23 days. He says he would be perfectly happy if we never had sex again.

I have no proof that anything offline has accorded with another man or woman but he had intentions.

I'd really appreciate your advice and opinions!
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replied June 29th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Your husband isn't gay. You've been sexually active with him in the past. It's certainly withint the realm of possibility for you to return to that intimacy. obviously something has happened to the intimacy in your marraige and you need to get to the source of that problem, understand, it and deal with it before things get worse between you two. Your husband doesn't trust you enough to be honest about his attraction to men or his needs. You need to address this with him honestly and with an open mind before you can begin to deal with the loss of intimacy between you two. A relationship without trust is a lot like a Garden without earth, nothing grows there, what is there will starve and die away.
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replied April 25th, 2011
Thank you for this advice. We are in the process of bringing our relationship back together and starting to talk about things, but we don't talk enough about it. My husband says he is not attracted to men, but does have sex with them. He gets grossed out by the idea of actually just having a boyfriend or being exclusive with them. He likes the dirty part of it all. He said it all started with looking at porn when he was away in the military....... Getting back together after finding all this out is really messing with my emotions. Someone please help!!! Thanks
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replied April 25th, 2011
Thank you for this advice. We are in the process of bringing our relationship back together and starting to talk about things, but we don't talk enough about it. My husband says he is not attracted to men, but does have sex with them. He gets grossed out by the idea of actually just having a boyfriend or being exclusive with them. He likes the dirty part of it all. He said it all started with looking at porn when he was away in the military....... Getting back together after finding all this out is really messing with my emotions. Someone please help!!! Thanks
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replied February 18th, 2014
Your husband IS gay or bi. He was not only secretly talking to other men in a sexual way, but he did not have sex with you in over a year. Find a man that you don't have to try and try to be with.

Stop waiting around for your gay/bi-curious husband to change. He is what he is. Let him figure that out. You can't do it for him. Listen to what you wrote " My husband says he is not attracted to men, but does have sex with them. He gets grossed out by the idea of actually just having a boyfriend or being exclusive with them. He likes the dirty part of it all.

He's NOT straight. He likes the dirty part of it all?! If you're fine with that ok but if not get a clue. looking You're his gay beard. Come out of denial. It's the same way I would tell a friend. No sugar coating.
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replied June 29th, 2010
I've developed a funny little pattern in regards to our relationship. As of lately I will go for 4 -5 months or trying everything under the sun to talk, show affection from my side, try to initiate sex and when I get rejected for the uptenth time I give up for 4-5 months and start the cycle over again. A male friend had suggested that he might be gay or bi, he thought it was absolutely strange that he turned me down for sex, recoiled from my touch and would rather spend time with one of his FD buddies then hang out with me alone, but is obviously interested in "sex" online and who knows if it happened in real life...

I totally agree with " A relationship without trust is a lot like a Garden without earth, nothing grows there, what is there will starve and die away." The problem is that I don't trust him and I made that clear after I found all of these things.
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replied June 29th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
The advice is applicable to every problem in a marriage, you can talk about communication styles or conflict resolution until you're blue in the face. At some point in every marriage you have to get past the problem or you have to get a lawyer. There is no right answer for everyone but you cannot go on just accepting things that aren't working and simply make both of you miserable. If you feel like you're doing everything you can and your husband can't be moved to accept your help give him an ultimatum. Tell him you'll do whatever it takes to make things work but if things aren't better in the marriage in 6 months you think it's best if both of you look for someone who makes them happy.
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replied April 25th, 2011
I like this discussion very much because am facing same problem.I have same problem with my wife.i think she is get interested in girlfriends.This make me to think about my relation.I love her so much and don't want to loose her.I caught her once with her girl friend.After that i am in miserable condition what i have to do?
I talked her about this matter but she don't answer any thing clearly.
Please sort out mine problem.Feel free to give any advice and suggestion.
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replied December 18th, 2011
I'm so happy to have found this forum with so many dear people willing to help and share their own experience.
My love story seemed like a fairytale. I'm around forty and he's in his mid thirties and both coming from different countries. We met on holidays 3 months ago, spent 4 days of wild love and sex and upon coming back home, we started texting each other, we fell in love and started missing each other so badly that we decided to be together. We see each other even 7-10 days. We are trying to spend as much time together as possible. I was in love before and I know how it feels. He told me he had some delusions about previous love affairs and that he never felt like this before and that with me he finally realised what love really is. His ex-partners were women, he even has a son as a result of a relationship. Guys were never mentioned in any context.
In these 3 months I never noticed anything unusual about him behaving differently. He always uses the opportunity to tell me how much he loves me, we have had great sex since the moment we met, he's a real gentleman, wants to have a future with me, wants to marry me because he believes and feel I am the woman of his life. Everything was perfect till recently when we went on a trip together and I got hold of his mobile. If you ask me if I did it because I suspected something, the answer is no. I did it from curiosity. In the photo albums there were photographed links of the sites about gay/trans/she-male beaches from the holiday destination we had first met. You can imagine my shock. Before asking him anything, I apologized to him for going through his stuff and then asked why he had these sites in his phone. I started crying, him too asking me if I really think he would lose me over this. He told me that it was probably his friend who went with him on this trip coz he is a bit feminine and might be a little bit gay. It sounded like a logical explanation so I didn't go any further in asking. I believed him.
Everything went back to normal, we continued seeing and loving each other, sex was fantastic, time we spent together is as if you are in 7th sky, plans are made for the future.
2 weeks ago when I went to spend the weekend in his town, I ended up having his phone again and then in the Internet surfing history I saw links to the porn sites about she-males, trannies and guys, phone numbers in the call list in his mobile (he has maybe 20 numbers saved and the others knows by heart). I asked him to whom he lent his phone this time. He told me that often his friends take his mobile in the bar while he works as a barman and he never checks after what they were surfing about. OK, now I need some verification from his friends or at least find out who he gave his phone to. But before I did that I went to his e-mail in the phone and there found 2000 unopened messages from Badoo account where somebody had a profile with his first name and the nickname and also saw attempts to make a Grndr account. Not that I want to defend somebody but he says that many people know his passwords, other people created his 2 Facebook profiles (1 for business and the other one private) and this e-mail address. Checked!
I managed to enter 1st site being given before few of his passwords and there I found that since April this year (we met in September), this person had over 1500 people in his inbox. There were conversations with old women, a few young ones, and then my shock again trannies, tranvestites and guys. To make this long story short, all these chats/conversations were conducted on the dates when we were not together, even a week is missing when he was on holiday. In those chats, there were details that only somebody who really really knows my boyfriend could write them or simply it was him. Starting from his phone number, what he does, where he goes for holiday, day when he's free...even the hours when he starts chatting (it seems after he closes the bar), his height, weight, that he was separating from his girlfriend. So many coincidences!!! I also found a photo of "his" penis (I was in shock when I saw it so I can't be sure) which this person was showing to guys in these chats, where he offered money to spend time with them in a motel room or their place, asking if they had a ding dong down there. He said there that he is bisexual active and passive and when talking to a gay passive, he said he was interested in them. In his Skype contact list (1 friend and 2nd me) I found a name of a girl that I saw in the conversations on "his" Badoo profile. When asked about that coincidence, he told me that he got an invitation on Skype from her writing something in English and accepted it. I asked why? He said to make friends. He doesn't speak English but uses Google translator and in the conversation on Badoo he wrote in English.
Since then, my boyfriend and me have been on rocky grounds. He says that he had nothing to do with it, he swore on his mother, his son and his brother who died in car accident (I couldn't swear on my family if I was lying). He told me that I'm the only one who he loves and really cares about,how he wants to marry me and have family with me, that he's not the pervert from those chats, that he likes women (vagina). When asked about how all this is then possible, if it was not him, he said that he doesn't know. I even wanted to go to the police because for the peace of my mind, I want to know who that was. He told me that the police would probably laugh because they don't care when a person is killed, let alone this. I had to go back to where I'm living and he went after me because he could not let me go like this thinking that it was him. For days now, I didn't eat, sleep or go to work. We are both crying, he wants to sell the bar and leave everything behind for me like I was planning to do for him because that was the original plan but now I cannot do it. However, I love him, I want to believe him but I'm scared what the future will bring with him.
The person from that profile is not active precisely since I confronted him with the chats. He said if something new comes up, we'll go to the police. Btw, he deleted everything in his phone saying that he doesn't want me or him being reminded about this ever again. He continues that the only thing that matters to him is that I have trust in him, that we get strong again and that he will show me that it wasn't him. I even tried to explain him that people do have fantasies and the only difference is that some go through in real life and some don't and that there is nothing wrong with fantasizing but nobody must lie to a person who plans to spend his/her life with because nobody wants to live a delusion. He reacted by screaming "I don't have such fantasies. Don't make a monster, I'm not this person there." I decided to believe him based on the love we have felt for each other but I am so scared that maybe in future this will pop up again.
Dear people, what should I do? Next week I'm going home for Christmas and bringing him with me to meet my father.
God bless you all!
Love
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replied February 18th, 2014
Continue on with your life. Give him the freedom to be have and open relationship with you and other man because that's what you are doing by staying with him.

Or option 2. Break up with him. He is lying and cheating. You can still be friends if you'd like.

I am beginning t
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replied January 23rd, 2013
I landed on this site by typing in "How do i ask my husband if he is gay" and it has really helped me. My husband and I met 7 years ago, fell hopelessly in love, got engaged, got married. He is 11 yrs older than me, never married, no kids, successful -- everything I ever wanted and then some. He has been so loving to my daughter from a previous marriage and he spoils me rotten. My family loves him and his family loves me. From where they are standing, we are the perfect couple. I remember asking myself "what is the catch?". After living with him for 7 years ago I think I finally nailed it. I suspect he is gay and I cannot find the way to ask him.
My suspicions stem from the fact that our entire relationship (minus the first 2 weeks), our sex life has left me wanting. 9 times out of 10 I have to initiate and 75% he turns me down. I have tried to talk to him about it, cried about it, everything you can imagine and all he has is excuses. he tells me that i have to understand he is 11 yrs older that me ( that makes him 42 but this problem started 7 years ago, other times he tells me my moods throw him off and he is not able to think about sex. other times he says that I am a nymphomaniac or that the problem is that he doesnt like the way I "smell"-- I realize these are things he says to be hurtful and I have tried not to let it affect me. I am young, physically fit, intelligent (will be a dentist in 2 years), and a rather exotic beauty when I fix myself up. I know these are the reasons he married me but they are not enough to trigger sexual desire.
Last year we went to see a dr to rule out a hormone deficiency (his suggestion) and everything was normal.
at times I have obsessed about him seeing other women (since he travels for work and is gone 2 weeks at a time) but he always checks out clear. It upsets me that he is so secretive online having all sorts of controls and clearing history, etc... He claims it is all in effort to avoid my daughter stumbling on a porno site he might have visited earlier.


Last year we had a HUGE fallout. He was away at work and told me he was going to dinner w coworkers. I didnt think much of it until I woke up at 2 am froma nightmare that he had died in a car accident. I called him and couldnt get a response- all calls to voicemail. I was frantic! but a part of me knew he was alive and well; simply rejecting my calls. I left many messages and texts. the next day i looked at our bank statement and saw charges for a bar followed by ATM withdrawl.
He called that afternoon to tell me that he got stuck being the designated driver of a bunch of drunk fools but he lied about where he had been when I called and his agenda of events. When confronted about all this lying (bc I had done my hw) he refused to talk to me and things were said including something that I will always regret. I told him I would have sex with a man in his own bed that night so he could understand the intensity of pain and anguish his activities and lies had caused me. He has used this statement as his defense when I later confronted him about a subscription to match.com registered under the city where he was working when all this happened. He says he did it bc he wanted to bounce back from me saying that I would cheat on him. I don't know if i believe him or not but this series caused me to seek divorce. The lack of trust, the lies, and dabbling with extramarital pursuits (or threats of) was reason enough.

He sat me down and pleaded w me, apologized for everything, told me he did not want to be the reason our family was destroyed (we have a 1 year old daughter that he adores), he confessed that he had a porn addiction and that had been the root of all this mysterious computer activity, and he asked me to attend a marital retreat. And that if I attended and still wanted a divorce afterwards he would accept.

Things have improved since and the few counseling sessions helped me clear my mind from the events that transpired that summer. He took a job close to home and was home with us every night, he initiated sex more often and we have sex about once or twice a week (this is a vast improvement). But every time, he has to go away for work I feel anxiety and the pain and sense of betrayal from that summer takes over my soul.

although our relationship is in a better place, there are occasional spouts of sex-anorexia and it makes me angry... I now resent him for that. I get mad and it affects the overall mood in my home and it affects my ability to focus in school which is extremely demanding.

i found myself in a dark place this weekend as a result of him avoiding sex. i find comfort in running for miles and cooling my head before walking through the door and facing him. it was during these runs that a light bulb went on in my head and I thought: could it be that he is gay?

considering our marriage from that point of view EVERYTHING makes sense, fits together like a perfect puzzle.

If this is true, I feel a lot of compassion for him
It saddens me to think that he has to restrain himself from being his true self
It changes nothing in our marriage- but changes everything at the same time

I know I shouldnt assume bc I could be wrong (but I doubt it)
The right thing to do is to ask him but I am afraid that he will be offended if I am wrong and that he will resent me for it. Or worse, that he will just lie and deny any homosexual tendency-- I really don't want any more lies from him

I have a letter written out for him but I can't bring myself to giving it to him.
I am afraid
He can either resent me and this will cause an additional strain to our marriage
or
my life and my dreams will be shattered if he is in fact gay and willing to be honest
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replied February 11th, 2013
I am in a very similar situation as well except it is my wife who has no interest in sex. Before we got married her and I had a talk and I told her that sex in a relationship was very important, that without intimacy, what you have are roommates who share a bed. So sex increased. Then we got married. On the Honeymoon we had sex 7 out of 10 days, it was great, then after we returned home, sex started getting less and less. Every month, every other month, every 2 months, once a quarter, twice a year. For our 5th anniversary she wanted to rent a cabin in the Smokies, figuring it would be so romantic. No matter what she did, how long she played with it, I could not get erect. I was furious with her, in that it was our 4th anniversary when we had sex last. The day before our 7th anniversary we had a huge blowup. She decided to read a text message I got while I was asleep. It was nothing, but it set me off. I told her we are lucky to have sex once a year and she feels like she needs to go through my phone to see if I am cheating on her. She said she just doesn't have any interest in sex, so I said, because you don't I am just supposed to stop and be ok with that? I am 2 years older then her and I think I have a normal sex drive. I would like sex at least 3 times a week. So, in the year that she wants sex, I have masturbated nearly 300 times. Now it gets tricky. After masturbating to regular porn for so long it started to get boring, so I looked to find something else and I found gay porn. At first watching two guys going at it was very taboo and if I did masturbate to it I felt guilty and ashamed after I ejaculated. But as I looked at it more, I started to wonder what it would be like to perform oral sex on another male or be anally penetrated. I now find myself looking at gay porn more and fantasizing about being with men to the point that I had attempted to meet some online. As of yet I haven't done anything but there are a few who really turn me on. I believe I am or may becoming bisexual. I still love women, and still do look at regular porn and it gets me excited, but I also am very excited about being with a man. I rarely am excited about the thought of sleeping with my wife anymore as I really despise her for the lack of sex in our marriage. I feel she has trapped me. I know before we became an item she had been with a married man, so I know she liked sex then, just all of a sudden we get married and she decides she doesn't like sex or has any interest in it? I told her after our big blow up that if she doesn't want sex then fine she doesn't need to but I'll be dammed if I am ok with it and she better get used to me seeking sexual partners. I didn't tell her at this point, the first sexual partner is probably going to be a male.
Now as far as the original poster and maybe a few others here, I say that for you to go through his phone shows such a lack of trust in your partner. My wife ruined our marriage by deciding that she didn't feel a need to have sex, yet thought she had a right to see if I was cheating on her. When she decided that she had no interest, and didn't consult with me about it, she gave up all rights to whom I may sleep with no matter what their sex.
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replied April 19th, 2013
My pain
Wow, you tell me. My woman like sense telling something is wrong and I followed it. My husband a pastor imagine that, convesation on his phone. Income text aM sorry for my poor sexual performance, so I called this nr, knowing my husband's nr is block am save to call. The called was missed and followed by a text my love. I called and presented my self as some else to this guy. I asked him of my husband lets call him John and the lover Peter . Peter said he is home. Iit was 0200 I confronted John who denies being gay, but knows the guy Peter who apparently just met that night at a gospel show. My story is long and said. How do I get the proof that need to confront him.
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