Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

How can I safely leave this abusive relationship?

I want to go ahead and apologize for the length and the graphic details of this.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years now. In the beginning, it was pretty good, but then it took a turn for the worse and I'm not so sure how to get out of it now.
I have no friends because of him. He called all of my friends nasty names and said they were trashy. People who were my best friends, I can no longer have contact with. He rarely lets me go to my parents house, who only lives about 10 minutes away from us. I feel like I'm shut off from the outside world.
He tells me what I can and can't wear. If I wear something that shows just a little bit of skin, he calls me nasty names for it. He also calls me names for wearing the tiniest bit of make up.
He is very controlling. He constantly goes through my phone. He says who I can and can't talk to. If I look another guy's way in a store, he makes a big deal about it.
He is always accusing me of cheating and I have never cheated on him. I work a full time job, and he has no job, he sits at home all day. He always accuses me of not being at work when I am there all day. He calls me names and says I've been out "tricking" as he calls it. If I get a bruise from bumping into something, he says I've been out cheating.
He always wants sex. That's where most of the abuse comes in. If I'm not in the mood, he tells me that I will not tell him no, that he gets what he wants. He forces me to have sex with him and perform oral sex on him. He has even made me lay flat on my back while he makes me perform oral sex. He will do it to the point where I am gagging and throwing up and choking on my own vomit. I feel like I'm dying when he does it, but he doesn't care. He will sometimes make me lay down while he makes me have anal sex with him. The things he does to me are disgusting, but if I tell him now, he gets that much worse. If I don't do what he wants when he wants it, he just takes what he wants. It's like he's punishing me.
He likes to choke me to the point where I am about to pass out. He pulls my hair and acts like he's going to hit me. He's threatened to hit me several times
He makes me feel terrible. He is always belittling me and telling me I am fat and ugly. But then there are days where he's really nice to me, but those are few and far between.
There aren't enough good days to make up for all the bad ones.
I want out of this relationship so bad. I've left him twice, but he's always sucked me back in and it gets worse every time. The biggest problem is we live in a small town. He knows where everyone lives whose house I might go to. He told me if I leave him again, he'll kill me and whoever else is there where I am. He is always home, so there is no way I can sneak out of the house. We also have 6 dogs, so that is another thing I worry about. I want to take my dogs and my things with me, but it's impossible. I see no safe way to leave. I am very afraid of him. I'm scared he will kill me one day.
If anyone has any suggestions or advice on how I can escape this nightmare, please help. I can't take being afraid anymore.
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replied December 26th, 2013
I would also like to include that he has naked pictures he forced me to take and told me if I ever left him, he would post them on the internet and send them to everyone I know.
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replied December 29th, 2013
If I were you, I would call and get a restraining order. I would risk getting away rather then getting another beat down and it might be the last day you ever lived. I wouldn't care if he said he had naked pics, vids etc because why is it embarassing? You guys were a couple and couples do stupid things like that. I rather have been away from him and safe, rather than spending another day with an ungrateful !**@!.
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replied December 27th, 2013
Extremely eHealthy

I am sorry your life has become so unpleasant at the hands of a such a jealous, controlling and sadistic man.

The quickest and easiest way forward would be for him to leave you.
What you have described goes far beyond "ordinary" abuse and is actually a series of rapes and serious sexual assaults against you which if he is found guilty by a jury could see him serving a rather long term in jail.
Clearly the ideal outcome would be not only to free you from him and make it impossible for him to retaliate in any way but also to remove such a nasty man from society for a time to prevent him abusing other women, which he surely will do if he is allowed to remain free.

It will not be an easy step for you to take, to make a charge against him and it will be even harder to follow through and the temptation will sometimes be to withdraw the charges and hope it will all go away.
He is likely to be arrested as soon as you make the charges against him and a short time later you will feel free and relieved. The resulting case is likely to be long and difficult which without the evidence of independent witnesses doesn't have a certain outcome but my feelings are you should visit the police and make a complaint.

Once he has been arrested you will be able to delete those pictures to prevent them being posted on the internet, though if they were clearly taken under duress they could be used in evidence to support your complaint.

Even forcing you to return each day because of his threats about the pictures is a relatively serious offence and a complaint about that would see the police taking away his phone, camera and computer equipment.

Once he has been arrested you will be able to take your dogs and change your address if you wish. You will find your real friends are still your friends...

It is possible he will be released on bail at some point and you could need a court injunction to prevent him from approaching you, contacting you or molesting you in any way.

I suggest you confide in your boss and ask for his help. You probably should talk to a lawyer and you will need time off to make the complaint. After the arrest you will need more time from work to change your address if that is what you want to do.

If you don't go to the police you have little choice but to leave and call his bluff about the pictures, though you could get a court injunction to prevent him doing anything with them or face arrest and charges, though that might not prevent them appearing on the internet and it could be difficult, time consuming and expensive to prove he hadn't already shared them with others and it was someone else who gave them a more general release.

Calling his bluff would probably mean you lose. Such a sadist as your boyfriend probably wouldn't hesitate to do exactly what he threatened in order to maximise your humiliation so you would be more likely to return even if only to hide from the world. He probably hasn't realised, as you haven't realised, if he carries out his threat, not only has he no further hold over you apart from what is inside your head but in spite of him being able to humiliate you no further the only direction for you after that will be upwards and it is likely to increase the support you have from your friends and not reduce it. Meanwhile any support he might have is likely to diminish.
Nudity and pornographic images have little power to shock today. Much of your fear regarding those pictures is unlikely ever to be realised even if they are sent to your friends...

I often say people should not take any images (or allow them to be taken) they would not be happy to have shared with the world.
It is a sad fact that whatever you do it is almost inevitable those pictures will eventually find their way into general release and your best chance of preventing that remains with the police unless you know definitely they haven't already been uploaded or shared and you can destroy the only copies ever made yourself. To be certain you would need to physically destroy anything capable of storing an image file and not just deleting the images. That is quite a large task in a modern home.

I suggest you raise your chin and square your shoulders and do whatever must be done to end your nightmare and put him behind bars where, with any luck he will become the unwilling sex slave of a bigger and stronger sadist.

Finally if things get too bad and you have to run you need somewhere to run to. I suggest you research the locations of any women's refuges nearby and contact them. There you will find experienced people to help and advise you and a bed and a new start if you want it. Those pictures present a problem but in reality your six dogs present a much bigger problem. If push comes to shove you must put yourself first and leave your dogs behind. You can have them picked up later by the police or other authorities or any of the many animal charities.

Good luck!
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