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HOCD making me sick, It's being fully gay that I don't want

I been suffering from major OCD for going on 10 months now, it first started off as ROCD and gradually made it's way into HOCD. For the last three months I was free of my HOCD because my boyfriend left and I was more concerned with my love for him and getting him back. Just weeks ago I was suffering from ROCD again and only now does my HOCD decide to slip back and make me doubt...why?

Because I did something in my past, that is normal for others and would throw aside as just normal experimenting for fun or they were drunk. I and my old friend of mine had some fun when we were teens and it lasted for a year, all it was, was us kissing, groping and what not. Nothing ever below the waist. It stopped because we stopped being friends and I often thought about the things we could have done together. I've also had same-sex fantasies about my friends and watch lesbian porn and this messes with my head.

problem is, in my teen years till my OCD started I honestly believed I was bi-sexual because I also loved men. I've always wanted male attention. I've always wanted my boyfriends attention. I can remember all my crushes on boys, especially celebrities like AJ from the backstreet boys or Orlando Bloom. Hell I even had my own box of love letters to orlando when I was a child I had him plastered around my room. I was also into anime, so I loved cute anime boys and had them plastered everywhere as well.

I also have a problem with the fact that I don't always find certain men attractive, I've always had my own taste, especially for high cheekbones and strong bone structures, long or curly hair and beards.

How can a woman whose love beards on men and found them sexy, be fully gay?

But I can't see the logic of it all.

Because it goes back to the things I've done. Even when I was 7 and my mom was babysitting her friends daughter, she and I took a shower together now I know it's not abnormal for kids to bath together it's fine it's nothing sexual right? But I remember saying "It's okay for girls to kiss, because we're all family"

I know it's not abnormal for straight women to kiss their friends, I've seen my mom do it on many occasions and seen it on tv as a simple greeting and such.

But I can't shake that. Same-sex play is not abnormal as children. Especially when one plays the dad and the other plays the mom in games and such.

I've loved kisisng and being with my boyfriend in the past but now I can't remember how I was with him before all this started. I can think of having sex with a man and enjoy it. For years I've never wondered what it would be like to date a woman but I have had thoughts of what it would be like to date certain men I've known. Even now when images of being with a woman pop into my head, it's centered around that one girl I experimented with...

If I'm bi like I always just accepted as a possibility, I don't care! Yay I'm bi so what!

It's being fully gay that I do not want because it's never something that crossed my mind ever before.

Even when I picture myself with my boyfriend I get anxious, and I get this thought "Pretend he's a woman" and instead of feeling anxious I get this calm feeling!?

I've even obsessed once "What if I'm gay and my OCD made me think I was straight all along?"

When I thought all of this was a brain tumour I obsessed "What if I get it removed and I find out I;m gay?"

Look, I have nothing against gays, I'm VERY open minded and have been raised that way. I even have gay, lesbian and bi friends. And I accept them and love them for who they are.

Bi is fine with me I can still enjoy the men I've always found attractive. But now....even accepting the thoughts makes me scared, I will go "I am gay, yes I am gay" and I don't know how I react to it anymore. I miss when I wasn't obsessing about it. I prefer my ROCD over this. God, I will live happily with my ROCD over this!

I no longer have any anxiety to my thoughts cept a minor spike here and there and even then I wonder what is a spike. stupid backdoor spikes! I want to forget all about this and just live a normal life
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replied September 27th, 2012
Extremely eHealthy
Hello ladyearth,

SO you just want to live a normal life...
Before you can do that you have to define what is normal - something very difficult as what is normal for one person isn't normal for another person!

Comparing your life with others will always result in mixed feelings.

I feel you are stressing far too much about labels which aren't necessary or even desirable: instead you should be learning to accept yourself for whoever you are...
Being content and living a "normal" life is about being happy in your own skin, having the respect of your peers and hoping for love!

Spending too much time and energy trying to analyse yourself in order to decide what labels to apply to yourself is counter-productive to what you are trying to achieve.
Certainly self-analysis is likely to result in frustraton and the results inaccurate!

According to the father of psychology, Sigmund Freud, most people are somewhere on a scale of bisexuality - something a great many people, both qualified and not, agree with...

It certainly is quite normal and not unusual to have same-sex experiences and even affairs during formative years and during experimenting and discovering ones own sexual preferences. Also quite common and normal to fantasise about same-sex experiences, to be bi-curious and to find same-sex porn interesting and tittilating...

Not unusual either to like a particular sort of look, beards or high cheek bones for instance, more than other types of appearance: though the "enlightened" among us would say it is rather shallow to be attracted by appearance more than personality...

I strongly advise you to concentrate your energy on achieving some inner peace by being creative or practicing yoga or meditation or any other diverting thing that will limit the time you can spend stressing about labels...
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replied November 19th, 2012
Ladyearth, I just want to say that your story is EXACTLY what I am going through. I actually felt a sigh of relief reading this because I thought I was the only one!

I don't know if I have ever been diagnosed with OCD, but once I found out about HOCD I thought (or hoped) that I had it. I went through same-sex experience like you at a young age with a friend (and then 2 more). She was older than me and we were kids and she wanted to show me a "cool movie". Well that "cool movie" was porn and we would take our Barbies in there and make them do what we were seeing on the TV. Well, I don't know who started it or if we both sort of agreed, but then we both started kissing and playing around. Well, that was with her so I thought I'd show two other friends. Mind you, before AND after then I always liked guys. It was just a short stage I went through and I just forgot about it...went on to liking boys, until one day in 9th grade. This really strange guy wrote me a love note and gave it to me in front of my friends and I got SO disgusted. It freaked me out so bad that this different and strange guy in my school liked my little old self. I remember one day after that in one of my classes this feeling just took over me like "what if I'm gay. Why didn't I like that guy liking me? Do other people get freaked out and feel gross when guys like them??" Well that feeling finally went away, I'd get distracted with another hot guy crush...then it'd come back...then it'd go away, you get the picture. Well that was in HS...and now I am 24 and it has caused quite a toll on me. I have been out with 4 or 5 guys and it has just never worked out. I either found out something bad about them and broke it off or they moved or just something. Now that I am this age and just not really lucky with guys my HOCD comes and goes pretty badly. I actually kind of have a fear of going out with guys in fear that I will "find out I am gay". Like what if he tries to touch me or kiss me and I don't want to? Then I am going to find out. I like guys, and have never had a crush on any girl, but like you I have watched lesbian porn and like it sort of almost as much as straight. If I fantasize about it, it's not with a certain girl. She is make believe. But when I fantasize about guys, it's the guy I currently am crushing on or think is hott. Blehhh...so yeah my past of that short week when I was 7 haunts me. I never tell anyone about it except for just now. But glad to hear I am not the only one! Also, like you I have one type of guy I like. I hate trying to be hooked up with guys that are not in any way the type of guy I like. It just happened this weekend a matter of fact, and she showed me a photo of him and it made me feel sick.
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