All,

I am new to this site so i thought i would share my story for both reassurance to you and comfort for myself as i have been in agony the last three days. So here we go: i am 23 years old, have had ocd all my life from being deathly afraid of throwing up to rocd and hocd. I am currently engaged and will be married in june and love my fiance with all my heart, would do anything for her, and will spend the rest of my life with her period. Two months ago we were having sex, suddenly i couldnt get an erection... normal right?? Not for the ocd sufferer, i began to analyze why i couldnt get an erection - two things came to mind either that im gay or i dont love my fiance anymore... stupid thoughts of course but you begin to obsess over these things and befodfore you know it your so engulfed in the thoughts that arent true that its eating you alive Sad but take a step back, do you have alot of stress in your life - for me we moved into our first place, got a full time job, am engaged, and paying all the bills independantly from my parents. Stress causes anxiety, anxiety flares up ocd and ocd reaks havoc on everything that is good in your life if you dont learn to control it.

Starting off with the hocd, yes i have, and yes my mind tells me no you dont, your just denying it and then i become infatuated with the fact that i must be gay. No matter how much reassuring you do its still in your face making you sick to your stomach, anxiius, and feel like your going crazy. Trust me i know, ive been feeling it for the past couple days and it totally sucks!! The thing that should keep you fighting like it does me is knowing its just a thought that everyone, yes everyone gets whether they talk about it or not but people with ocd hold onto that thought analzing that it must be either true or false!! And if your getting upset over it then it is false, because if you were already gay the who cares - checking out a man would be no big deal to you right?? Thats the part i and so many people struggle with, you know your not because it disgusts you but you cant seem to shake the thought, its frustrating being told something you know is not true Sad but you gotta push on and understand no matter how real it feels its just a thought AND quit reading articles about it - its easier said then done, i know, ive spend the last three days scurrying articles looking for reasons why this is happening but that needs to stop... the more you feed it, the worse it gets, and the worse it gets when you cant fo us on anything but the thought and images that are going through your head the more you bwlieve it. Its a vicious circle, that has you checking your every move to see if it looks gay, the way you walk, the way you talk, how you dress, etc and especially if you hear someone talking about being gay on the radio or news causing you great anxiety. If your in a relationship embrace the one your with more and enjoy their company because once this passes youll be thanking god youve got that person laying by your side!!

I know it seems like ive got it all figured out but i dont, it gives all whole new meaning to the saying the mind works in mysterious ways because it is extremely hard to figure out if even possible. Its alright to find the same sex attractive, more than likely your comparing yourself to them when you think hmmm their attractive. I do this quite often because i look at other men and wonder how i stack up to them in my fiances eyes and the only way to do this is by thinking about them. Its just unavoidable but if you have ocd you freak out when you watch a tv show and a guy takes his shirt off and you continue to watch it, or you watch porn and find yourself thinking about the same sexea private parts not because your gay but because your comparing yourself to them and maybe wishing you had what they do but that makes you think its weird. I am rambling on because i understand, i have all the same things, your not alone although it may feel like it. Seek some help, if your in a relationship tell your partner but choose your words carefully and if they love you they will understand. I was deathly afaid of trying meds but i have been on them for a week and in therapy so im hoping it helps.

Just remember a couple things:

1) ocd strikes at any time and clings to the things that affect you the most
2) thoughts are thoughts - dont make a decision when your heart is racing and your worked up because often times if your plagued by ocd your making the wrong choice because you believe it will provide relief
3) are you worked up by gay thoughts (heart races, feel sick, headache, etc) then your not gay
4) enjoy life and the people you share it with because you cant take back a day you wasted on worrying!!

Thanks for reading, hope it makes sense, i am currently worked up so i need to vent and share what i learned although it doesnt always work, and its hard to talk to friends and family because its something people without ocd have troubles understanding - everything is easier said then done - look at the advice i have and i still obsess when i get worked up even though i know im not gay and love sex with my fiance and thoroughly enjoy it...

Keep your head up!!! Alot of people are here to help, especially those who are going through it!! Remember ocd is a doubting disease Smile its all just a thought!!
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First Helper ocder
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replied May 1st, 2012
Thank you for posting this. I been suffering from HOCD for some time now, it started with the thoughts of my boyfriend and whether I found him attractive and if I loved him. For years I obsessed that he didn't love me enough and was cheating on me, even though he wasn't. Then suddenly this hit me.

I got over the worst of my ROCD before my HOCD decided it was time to focus on that. What's worst is when I was 15-16 and horomonal teenager I did what a few teenagers and girls in early college do.

I had a same-sex experience with an old trusted friend of mine that was so close I could have considered her sister like. It was nothing more than kissing and touching of breasts and such. Never below the waist.

And I've had some same-sex fantasies however I dont believe they ever aroused me as much. Even though I loved Lesbian porn, but I found a forum of straight women who love to watch it. But since they;re normal they dont threat about it as much as those with OCD do.

And my mind keeps going back to my past, its always there.

I was extremely happy with my boyfriend. I had finally got to the point where I believed he honestly loved me and then six months ago all this stuff happens.

I use to think I was bisexual and I was accepting of that. But now I keep thinking I want to be with a woman, I have to be a lesbian if I had that experience and those thoughts.

I feel like I;m going crazy. I have a headache but less anxiety thanks to my medications. I can't beat the complusion of looking it up. I try but I cant stop.

I feel suicidal. I want it to stop.

I always loved my man. But now everything is screwed up. I;m 21 years old. I was just getting my life together and now this
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replied May 9th, 2012
I have had this problem for years (HOCD) It all started when I was in the 9th grade and this really weird/yucky-looking guy wrote me a love letter. I just felt really disgusted that he could like me...I remember sitting in a class one day and it just came to me like "Oh you must be gay...how come I don't like him" and I have obsessed over it a long time. I have always liked and had crushes on guys all my life. I am pretty shy and just not like a lot of other girls. I am 23 but I am really small (I always judge myself to other girls with nice boobs, etc...) so I have always been really uncomfortable around guys in a sexual kind of way...so there I go again "Oh what if I am gay..." and it has just drove me crazy for a long time now. It used to not bug me...like in HS I was just like "Ohhh I'm JUST in HS I will get a boyfriend someday, no rush..." but here I am 6 years out of HS and I still haven't had any luck. I have went on dates with guys but they never really went anywhere...so yes I know y'alls pain. Also, it brings me back to something I experienced when I was about 7 or 8. My cousin, who is also a girl, and I used to drag out these "movies" in her parents closet and watch the "movies"(porn) We would make our Barbies do what they do and eventually we just kissed and touched and stuff. Even after then it was no big deal. We just did it a few times...I always liked boys since then and it never came to me again, until NOW. It sort of haunts me...I read where it is normal for kids to do that but I don't know...
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replied January 11th, 2014
I just started getting this HOCD recently and it's been killing me, I rarely enjoy what I used to whenever it's on my mind. It started last year late 2013 when I started getting small gay thoughts in the back of my head when hanging out with some friends, I was able to keep it at bay for awhile, but eventually, It started getting bigger and bigger, now I can't look at a guy in public without thinking "Oh he's cute" or sometimes my mind will even wander to a desire to perform gay acts on guys, I've been getting headaches from it ever since then, and the few moments where the HOCD isn't affecting me, while short lived, make me feel attracted to girls again, even though they don't arouse me as much because of excessive, well, you know, masturbating. Anyway, I get off to gay porn to an extent, but I never wanted to do it. Now HOCD is taking over my mind, even when I've liked girls all my life. (I even got close to having sex with one of them at around 13 yrs old. Thank god I didn't do that.) I still feel like I'm not gay, yet when the HOCD fades away, the gay thoughts remain. It's like a neverending cycle to me, and I hate it. Even If I do have these constant gay thoughts without the HOCD (Which would show that one leans primarily in that direction when it comes to the sexuality) I still feel no attraction towards guys at all, so I'm wondering if this is still the HOCD and I only THINK that I got rid of it. I just want all this to end!

Now, it has only gotten worse. I should mention that during all this, I never got aroused by any women. ANY. No matter how many I looked at or naked or not, they never got me going. However, on the contrary, looking at guys bodies never got me off either.

I know for a fact that I am straight. But I do have a small lingering bicuriosity, but that's all it feels like, however, the OCD blows it out of proportions. I know I have OCD even though I haven't been diagnosed with it. Because I have a lot of the other symptoms. HOCD just starting recently and adding to that, as I said. Today I still have all these gay fantasies mentioned before, but they still don't mean anything to me. I really feel it's just my bicuriousity being blown out of proportion by the OCD. A few minutes ago was some of the worse moments of my life. I just woke up from a nap and ended up looking at pictures of women completely naked to reassure myself, I couldn't help it. However, I didn't feel any ounce of arousal, like usual. When I realized that, I just looked up guys naked as well, nothing there either. I still feel like I really just want these thoughts and fantasies to go away so I can love women again. But then, I found a forum linking to a movie called "Prayers for Bobby" which was about a guy finding out he was gay. I felt really anxious during the entire movie, I couldn't shake this fear that I'm really gay. And after the movie was over I believed that I was actually gay. I suddenly thought that I was going to kill myself if it came to that, as I can't live with myself being gay. I'm just so scared, And now that I'm posting this. I can't deny that I don't have any attraction to men. However, The recurrent doubts are making me believe that I really am gay. The movie didn't help at all either. It only made it worse! Even If I really am not gay. My HOCD itself along with the curiosity taking over my mind is really making me want to kill myself anyway, I absolutely hate dealing with this disorder anymore, I just want it to go away so badly, much more then ever now. I'm so scared and I just wish I never had to live with all this pain. I'm hoping to god that this is really HOCD, as the doubt of not being diagnosed with it is also scaring me. Please, I just want to know if this is real HOCD, and that I'm not just exaggerating. I also want to know what I can do to live with it. The fact that I also do the same repetitive routine every day is not helping either.
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