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hitting myself when angry (Page 4)


February 11th, 2012
I have somthing similar ..
I do that too , its hard to STOP !
I lost my father years ago and i dont live with my mother (was taken away from her)
My bf knows abt it and he told me not to do it i promised i wont i'm trying not too
Its soooo HARD i stop myself but when i do it my head hurts REALLY bad i feel like i get a high blood pressure when i hold myself from doin it
But last time i was tryin not to do anything and i exploded and punched / slaped my face Sevral Times i even punched my nose and caused it to Bleed than i calmed down !
And now when i get angry i get this headache for like WEEKS and wont stop ..
And also if i start to cry for example today
My head would hurt me for more than a week ..
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replied February 15th, 2012
I know just how you feel, I'm just like you. I'm always happy in front of everyone because I hate making other people feel bad, especially if it's because of me. At the same time, I hate the fact that no one notices that there's something wrong with me, that my family doesn't even notice me whimpering in the shower, because that's the only place I feel safe crying. I hit myself to get rid of some of the emotional pain but it doesn't help. Sometimes I just want to jump off a tall building and feel free. I imagine killing myself and think about how easy it is then feel like a coward when I don't act. I just want to feel numb and void of emotions. I keep thinking that I just want to stop feeling all this pain. I don't know what's wrong with me or what to do. I want to talk to a doctor yet I don't want to burden my family with paying for it or for them to know. I just don't know what to do.
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replied February 27th, 2012
I hit my self when I'm mad, like just anything. If my sister is mad at me, or if my mom thinks I'm lying to her, I always think it's my fault. I don't have bruises but mainly I hit my head and my face. My family thinks I'm sensitive about everything. that just makes me feel worse...
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replied February 28th, 2012
It just occurred to me today to look online to see if I could find stories of other people slapping themselves in the face. I've done it three times. All three were during fights with significant others. Twice with my ex-boyfriend, when we were fighting, I got angry to the point that I felt like I couldn't put it into words anymore, and I started to slap my face so hard it left red marks. It hadn't happened in about a year, and like I said, it had only happened twice. But then night before last, I was with my boyfriend, who I've been with for about six months, and we were having an argument. When he left the room for a few moments, I suddenly felt this huge relief that he had left because I knew what I wanted to do. I slapped my face about 20 times until I felt calmer and more able to deal with my anger (which was mostly at myself). When he came back, I quickly said that I thought it would be a good idea if we just cooled off and talked later. He agreed and I quickly left the room. I didn't want him to know what I had done, because I was afraid he would be afraid of me or start thinking I'm crazy and not want to be with me. When I did it before, with my ex, I did it right in front of him and didn't really know beforehand that I was going to do it. But I didn't care at that point what he thought of me. That was a psychologically abusive relationship and he was very jealous, and I think I already knew subconsciously that I wanted to get away from him. So maybe I was almost asking for him to think I was crazy and not want to be with me. But I love the person I'm with now and I want him to continue liking and respecting me. I felt victorious that I was able to come off so calm and rational for wanting to just get out of the situation, when really that was a complete trick, because the only way I was able to do it was because I had just slapped myself in the face 20 times. My right ear was ringing. I really only left the conversation because I didn't want him to notice the red marks on my face. I felt so victorious, though, like I had really pulled something off. I don't want to start doing this on a regular basis. Today my jaw is sore on both sides. It feels like bruises, but there are no visible bruises. It was scary the way my ear started ringing. I don't want to do permanent damage to myself. There was definitely an element of self-punishment to what I did. I was angry at myself for ending up in another argument with my boyfriend. I think I overreact when we argue. I know that every couple has arguments sometimes, but when we argue I start to panic, as if I've ruined everything. My boyfriend stays much calmer and always wants to just cool off and talk later. I can't stand this and always want immediate relief and feel like I'll explode if things aren't set right between us immediately. It was only after hitting myself the other night that I was able to go the cool off/talk later route. Because this "strategy" worked so well for me, I'm afraid I'll try it again the next time we argue. It's not a good strategy. I could damage my hearing or bruise myself. I know I was hitting really hard. I don't bruise easily or I would probably be black and blue, as my face has now felt bruised for the past two days. I am seeing a therapist because I was raped several months ago. I will tell her about this when I see her. I haven't told her about the other times I did this, but I will tell all tomorrow.

I encourage anyone who is doing this to talk to a counselor and if you already have one to TELL THEM what you are doing. If you are in therapy and are hiding your darkest secrets because you're ashamed or afraid, then you are wasting your time. (And you're money if you're paying for therapy.) Your therapist is there for things like this. If they want to put you on meds and you don't want it, then look for another therapist. But you need to tell someone.
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replied April 1st, 2012
I have to admit, when I get frustrated with myself or feel like I have let others down, it all builds up until I either hit myself on the head on slap myself around the face. It is always a fine balance between that or a knife. It's weird, because I know it is unhealthy. I don't have anything to feel like that for; I have a good job, friends, family...sometimes, life just gets too much and I react like that. I have tried to see someone about it but it never seems serious. I mean, it isn't depression, I don't think I am suicidal...so why would anyone have time to see me in a health service that is already so stretched?
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replied April 8th, 2012
I started hitting myself when I was a little girl about 7 I would get so mad and couldn't put my feelings into words then I would start hitting and pulling my hair. That continued until I was about 15. These episodes would occur only a few times a year. Now I am 25 and it has been happening since the age of 20. I feel so ashamed its different now I punch myself it started in the legs and has progressed to my head and face. Just last week the worst one happened I got into a fight with my boyfriend bc I felt he was not comforting me as my father is very ill the last 3 years now he is about to die. Hos organs are failing. So we went to a state park and I made a stupid comment about how he isn't there for me and he wouldn't walk with me and then it just escalated I felt so out of control all I wanted was for him to hold me and be there for me. I told him that and he wouldn't he broke up with me in the middle of the park. It killed me he would not let me talk I started hitting myself and kicking stumps. I wound up bruising my face and the sides of my head and my fist. My foot hurts. I feel so dumb walking around like this. I feel so out of control my family knows about it and so does my bf. I don't want attention I want someone to understand me someone to br there. I am still with my bf but last night I stopped myself from doing it again when we got into a argument. But I had a panic attack instead in my car. I need to see a therapist I'm so scared this will get worse
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replied April 11th, 2012
I have an employer who does this when she is frustrated, then later in the week will say "oh look at these bruises on my leg I must have fallen but don't remember falling." and will proudly show off the bruises on her leg to anyone who is present. I know how the bruises got there but keep mum. She also slaps herself on the face and yells "bad me bad me." Is this a recognized pshycosis with a name, her own husband is a psychologist and counsels people world wide on how to control these kinds of issues.
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replied April 21st, 2012
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hitting myself when angry (Page 1)
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shoeholic
June 13th, 2008
ive written about this before.. (previous title is 'hitting myself')

this time it gets worse and worse.. yesterday i felt so angry at my boyfriend so i hit myself.. i smacked and punched my legs till i have bruises.. and i cried like mad.. its not because of the fight, but usually i cry because i hate myself for doing this.. now my legs are covered with bruises.. after the fights, instead of making things better, i blame and start punching myself..

when i hit myself, it feels better.. just for a while.. and i'll feel all horrible and depressed.. i hide behind my smiles, nobody knows i am struggling with this.. people see me as this happy girl.. i am, but when the point gets low, i'll become a total monster.. im not myself..im so tired of injuring myself.. im so tired of hiding..

i feel like i have nobody to talk to about this.. nobody will understand.. i love my boyfriend deeply, but i dont dare to tell him about this.. to him, if i injure myself, it means i am injuring him as well.. and by injuring him, it means that i dont love him. this is not true.. i hit myself because of me..not because i want to hit him or something..

i channel my anger by hitting and punching myself.. whenever i look at myself, my legs, the place where the bruises are visible, i get so darn sad.. i am so sad and scared at the same time that i am capable of doing this. i guess i really hate myself..

i dont know who else to turn to.. i dont.. i want to go to a psychologist or something but that would mean i have to tell my parents and my boyfriend that i have a problem and i cannot bear that. i dont want them to know, i dont want anybody to know.. sometimes i picture myself with a razor blade.. how it would be easy to end everything.. i feel such a failure.. i really do.. but i dont have the guts of doing it.. i dont want to die, actually. i just want this pain to go away. im so afraid of myself.. i rly do..
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spongebob23
replied June 16th, 2008
i know how you feel..when im angry a sometimes hit myself and for a while it makes you feel better until you think what your doing and it upsets you..I think you should chanel your anger to hitting a pillow or anything other than yourself..Maybe you should go to your docs and they will refer you to a phycoligist in confidential and you can tell ur bf and family when your ready.

Read more: Self Injury Forum - hitting myself when angry http://ehealthforum.com/health/hitting-mys elf-when-angry-t143751.html#ixzz1seZkK5dZ
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replied April 29th, 2012
on the road to suicide
I am a 20 year old woman and I've been hitting myself for two years, now. I used to get the urge to do it when my girlfriend and I got into fights... really bad fights. The first time I hit myself it was in the jaw and she saw it and broke up with me. this sent me into another fit of hitting myself because she was a cutter and was hypocritical when it came to me. I had a set of bruises going from my elbow to my wrist that were blue and purple. I felt mental but I hid everything from anyone that may turn me into a counselor... I hadnt had a very good experience with a counselor. Normally I would not reply to a thread like this, but today I did it again... and ive noticed with age this is getting worse. I hit my arms, I punched my knee, I hit my forehead against the floor, I clawed my arms and neck. Im afraid of what I could do to myself, given another two years.
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replied May 22nd, 2012
Feeling misunderstood and frustrated - so I inflict pain
I can't remember when this pattern of mine began. This hitting, I do recall though at the age of 8 I was running around with a knife threatening then to kill myself. I have had years of therapy, been on anti-depressants and during my early 20's I tried to kill myself. I do not think that I truly wanted to die but I definitely wanted to numb and kill the pain, the self talk and the negativity that was surrounding me. I didn't have any answers with in me, I didn't possess any self calm and I didn't possess the strength to see that I am or was much bigger than this.

My suicide attempt obviously failed (as I am writing this) and in retrospect I am glad that I did fail for the years ahead I have been blessed with complete abundance. There were still many years of ups and downs, self inflicted dramas and complete frustration at the imperfection of myself.

For anyone that knows me from the outside, I look like I have it all together. Physically attractive, fit, living a comfortable lifestyle, been blessed with wonderful partners in my life and traveled the world. I wont deny the fact that I have been blessed, I come from a loving family and have many friends around me.

I grew up with an abusive father, whose abuse I can hardly remember. I was informed by my mother that I was abused. I have recollections of sexual abuse in my years as a kindergarden kid. I was abused by my mother, felt neglected growing up as her lifestyle overtook my needs. I do not blame any of them, it was what it was and they did the best they knew how.

It is now my turn, with the tools that I have, the knowledge that I can read, the help that I can get to battle my wounds to heal the hurt and to ease my pain.

I had thought that I managed to nip my self inflicted pain in the bud. It has arisen again after 7-8 years or being dormant. Is it because 4 years ago I was in an abusive relationship so got hit instead of having to hit myself? Is it because I am somewhat subconsciously addicted to abuse?

So over the past 2 or so years, the self hits have come and gone. Every few months, when my temper has risen to a point and my despair is so high my hand in super quick mode slaps myself in the face and my other hand will form a fist and thud itself to my thigh. I could go own, drawing pain from my heart and mind to my outer layer. I don't even feel the pain. I feel release somehow. I tell myself things such as. I am not worthy, not a good person, misunderstood and that no one understands.

My partner is struggling with this as he should. No partner should see or go through this and layered with our current relationship problems and self analysis these situations exacerbate it all.

I am at a point where I can't do this alone anymore. I have tried to rectify it, but really I haven't tried. It happens, I write, I apologize and I move on. As if it never happened. That isn't trying. This time, where I am now in life where there are so many ways that the wheels are spinning. I need to try harder.

So...I am seeking the powerful meditation in prayer again and will attend mass each week. I am seeking self reflection each night with my gratitude diary. I am seeking self peace each morning with meditation.

I believe, if I don't act on it now where there is so much, too much at stake, my world will crumble and I am not prepared to let that happen but instead fight for it.

I didn't think there were so many of us out there that took our own hands to our own body. Despite the situation we are all in, I seek comfort in knowing there are others out there.

I pray for you all and for me. We are all trying to find our place on this earth, where we belong, who we belong too but I guess I am learning first and foremost the most important person who we need to belong to, to be loved by and understood by is ourselves. That is the biggest challenge of them all.
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replied July 8th, 2012
Hi I am 23 and just recently started hitting myself whenever I am angry or upset. I live with my mom, dad, brother, sister and my boyfriend. Lately I have been fighting with everyone a lot and every time I get mad at myself, because I know its me starting all the fights. The hitting has really started to hurt, I even hit myself so hard today that I have blurry vision in my right eye.
HELP any advice on this would be nice. I need to stop hitting and replace it with something less damaging to myself.
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replied July 16th, 2012
I know how you feel.Starting with the first time my boyfriend cheated on my with my best friend i got really upset and started hitting myself in the arm with a wrench until i had to bite my lip to keep from screaming. The next day i had a nasty bruise on my arm and it was in a spot that it was hard to make an excuse about what had happened. Now when im hurt i still hit myself. Smiles cover up what i feel but when im all alone with that wrench in my hand theres nothing stopping me from hurting myself until im to numb to care. Then im ashamed that im not strong enough to deal with my problems. i helped a friend who cut herself through her ordeal and told her how hurting herself didnt do anything for her. Now im hurting myself and theres only momentary relief from my emotions. I think what hurts the most is that the wounds are there but nobodys looking or they just dont care.
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replied July 17th, 2012
its weird i feel like the hitting is more about me then about them. i feel like i disappoint people all the time and i need to punish myself for it. i used to cut to s.i. but now hitting is a whole new relief system. but i know how far i could take it and im scared that no one will be there to stop me when i do/.
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replied July 19th, 2012
Hitting myself
I am 24 years old and have been having this issue for months now, it used to be subtle with fights with my girl friend and hitting things. Ive been to the hospital before for breaking my wrist after hitting a stud in a wall. But recently it has only been getting worse. It seems as though I do it like others say which is at the time it feels good. But I do this to the extreme, I pull my hair slam my head over and over again with the side of my fists. Sometimes my ears ring and I just can't stop. I have started seein a therapist to talk about this but I don't think I have explained the extent that this is. I just can't stand confrentation I dno I feel like no one understands and Its hard to stop and when I'm done it just seems like I'm back to normal again somehow it's kind of easy to just forget but for some reason I don't get why my girlfriend keeps taking me back. I love her very much and she loves me as well she wants the best of m but I am just so horrible to myself and none of my friends really understand what I'm really like on the inside.
I guess it's nice to use this forum to just talk I've never done this before but it's been about 20 min since I last freaked out I though this would be a way to calm down. I just don't know how I channel my anger in a different way.
I really need to schedule another appointment soon.
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replied July 21st, 2012
Anger - self jutting
I guess my horrible story is similar to all of yours. And I truly think its a horrible thing to do to hit myself - it's an abuse that I need to stop.
Because I'm just getting worse. I know I have to schedule the appointment and speak to someone who would listen and try to help. But the truth when hitting my head with something heavy, and punching myself in the head helps a lot because the physical pain overcomes the pain that is inside me. Me and my boyfriend we love each other truly; but his recent depression due to watching his kids most of the is driving him
Crazy and insane. And I understand it's tough on him, but it's Driving insane that doesnt want me around when he's do depressed.
He says he needs to be alone sometimes. And I cannot tolerate this when we don't have time to see each other. I know he loves and Im sure things will get better once you're together. But my current problem does not go away. I also lost his baby. He would be two and a half by now. It makes sick to my stomach knowing that I could try to be healthier to save the baby. On top of Everything I'm diagnosed with stage 1 ovarian cancer. And with all the antibioics in my body, my hair started falling. With all these in my head I try to be normal smile and do daily things but the reality is its harder to smile in front of everyrone than cry all alone. I'm on Xanax as it helps to calm down. But im scared than one day I won't foresee the limit and end it, and I don't want to die. The last time I hit myself I have bloody bruises and cuts
on my fingers and shoulder and legs. I just need to be ok again, this is just all
much to swallow at once. I need him to be there
For me I understand he's depressed and he need
To be alone. But If we don't help each other now, who will. Help please, because I know
I'm kidding it. I don't want to hear any judgements I just someone's advise.
Please
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replied July 21st, 2012
Anger - self injuring
I guess my horrible story is similar to all of yours. And I truly think its a horrible thing to do to hit myself - it's an abuse that I need to stop.
Because I'm just getting worse. I know I have to schedule the appointment and speak to someone who would listen and try to help. But the truth when hitting my head with something heavy, and punching myself in the head helps a lot because the physical pain overcomes the pain that is inside me. Me and my boyfriend we love each other truly; but his recent depression due to watching his kids most of the is driving him
Crazy and insane. And I understand it's tough on him, but it's Driving insane that doesnt want me around when he's do depressed.
He says he needs to be alone sometimes. And I cannot tolerate this when we don't have time to see each other. I know he loves and Im sure things will get better once you're together. But my current problem does not go away. I also lost his baby. He would be two and a half by now. It makes sick to my stomach knowing that I could try to be healthier to save the baby. On top of Everything I'm diagnosed with stage 1 ovarian cancer. And with all the antibioics in my body, my hair started falling. With all these in my head I try to be normal smile and do daily things but the reality is its harder to smile in front of everyrone than cry all alone. I'm on Xanax as it helps to calm down. But im scared than one day I won't foresee the limit and end it, and I don't want to die. The last time I hit myself I have bloody bruises and cuts
on my fingers and shoulder and legs. I just need to be ok again, this is just all
much to swallow at once. I need him to be there
For me I understand he's depressed and he need
To be alone. But If we don't help each other now, who will. Help please, because I know
I'm kidding it. I don't want to hear any judgements I just someone's advise.
Please
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replied July 30th, 2012
I think that Brain intergration and Holographic Memory Resolution will help Tremendously!!
It helped me alot. Please Google these two therapies, and don't be turned off by what they might say.
Also Brain Intergration is not just for learning disabilities... I had none when I was in my 20's in college, but I couldn't process info in a normal/healthy way due to years of stress and major abuse.
PLEASE get help.
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replied August 4th, 2012
brutal self abuse
Call me Nix.

A few weeks ago I did this for the first time. I've never been one for self abuse so this scared me a lot. I hate myself. I have everything in the world going for me, have a great voice, am 6'5", have gotten myself back in really good shape and have a 160IQ. People say I'm great looking but being a redhead am never someones type when i develop feelings for them. I feel like I've been given a great start in life that I'm undeserving of. I often think about people who have nothing in life and how they have dreams. I see myself and even though i have nothing monetary at all, I'm without any drive or dreams and am a waste of good health and opportunity.

I am alive for as long as my existence isn't a burden to anyone else. I've had one gf my whole life (am 27 now) because I've never trusted anyone and probably will never have sex for that reason. The gf i had cheated on me with two guys at hotels and was having cyber sex with guys in their 40's. A few months back I finally met someone who I trusted and let myself close to. Everyone else told me this girl was in love with me, strangers thought we made a cute couple. We fooled around but never dated. Eventually I told her how much she meant to me in a letter and told her that we should take the next step and actually date. Weeks pass. Eventually i send her a text asking if she ever read it, she calls me. She tells me she has never had any feelings for me at all but that she likes what we have and that she's okay with the fact that i feel that way and is okay with me trying to date her or make moves. Weeks pass. We talk often but never see each other.

I invite her out once again in a flirty manner and she conveys to me that she is uncomfortable around me now that she knows I have feelings for her. It registers to my brain that my existence is effecting someone in a negative way and i flip out. I hang up on her, stand up, feel blood pulsing all over my body as though all of it is being pushed from limb to limb by water balloons, and I completely lose my vision. I feel so numb and detached from reality that i must have been trying to feel something because i started beating myself in the face. So there i was, bedroom floor, slowly regaining my vision, slowly starting to feel, and noticing in my mirror that i nearly broke my jaw, had cut my eye, bloodied up my cheekbones and had punched large bruises all over my forehead, arms, chest, ribs, stomach and legs.

I tell everyone that i had fell down stairs, i didn't know how to process what i had actually done. Today the same girl texts me asking if it's okay for her to come to my birthday party tomorrow or if I would make it too awkward. The face punching repeats. Now I'm not going to show up to my own birthday party because i wont be able to explain this face with lies twice. I still hate myself even though I'm a genuinely good person who has never wronged anyone. What is wrong with me and why am I suddenly so self destructive?
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replied September 1st, 2012
Hi Nix
I think you have the same view that I do which may be the reason you've started to hurt yourself.

It sounds like your negative emotions have come from your previous relationship experience and now this girl is just 'proving' what you've thought all along - that you're not worthy of being someone's boyfriend for some (maybe unknown) reason(s)

Whenever she speaks to you, you're reminded of this and it will bring back all those emotions which are probably only just underneath the surface.

Also, from a female perspective, she's giving you totally mixed signals in what she says/does which I think is completely wrong as it's obviously messing with your head - she either likes you and wants to date/flirt/make moves or she doesn't like you in that way and should not be doing those things as that's for people who want a relationship.

I'm certainly not saying it's good to think like this because I think in that way - I can't see anyone liking me because of the way I look, how I've been treated and what I've been repeatedly told/called which why I've realised I hurt myself repeatedly.

I hope will help you in some way and that you've been able to maybe get some help since you wrote this a few weeks back.
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replied October 1st, 2012
Thank you for replying to my post Catlover34. Sorry for now noticing this a month later, but I really do appreciate your reply.

First off, it doesn't matter what you look like. Just from your words alone I know your someone worthy of friendship and affection and I hope you acquire it.

I did end up going to my birthday party which was PAINFUL for me. I was so nervous with her being there and worried about people noticing my face that I repeatedly left to go to the bathroom where I threw up without trying. I even left to go pick someone up at one point just so I could escape and breathe.

Shortly after that she and I went to the movies together, her idea. I really had to talk her into going when the time came even though it was her idea. She was just as flirty as she used to be, even like squeezing my arm and putting her hand on my leg, shoulder etc... but I made sure I went slow and didn't let anything happen.

We haven't seen each other since. Sadly I feel like I've unknowingly dreamt of her my entire life which seems unrealistic I know, but I feel like she was in the background of all my dreams as someone important I've been waiting to meet. Now still, each night I dream about her. I haven't spoken to her in a couple of weeks hoping my feelings would go away. I even met two other girls. But realizing when I decided to back off that she is making no effort to contact me, and I now feel much worse. My distance hasn't helped anything.

I no longer see things with her as my issue as my increasingly altered way of thinking has me convinced that I completely hate myself. On several occasions since then I've beaten myself in the face exclusively. I don't WANT to do this or think about doing it. I just get so low that I stop feeling and hit myself. Everything in my life has gotten bad. Maybe from my lack of appreciation for what I had I'm not sure, but I do know that everything is worse. I've lost all work, my car broke down, my health has deteriorated, and I haven't heard from almost all of my friends despite me trying to reach out to them.

My family has been no help as the more I feel bad, the more they taunt me and treat my like I'm being ridiculous. They all literally make fun of the way I look, and call me pathetic and I'm beginning to hate them. Sorry I'm on here again complaining about everything, but I've had two years of terrible luck with everything I do despite my continually being nice and overly helpful to everyone I meet.

Last week, someone I deem as important made me feel the most pathetic I've ever felt. She made me feel as though my feelings and my existence don't matter and I left my house. While I was out in town I consumed an excessive amount of a food that I'm allergic to, simply just gambling with my life. My body quickly filtered it out as blood infused waste and I had less of a reaction to it though still was in a lot of pain. That planted the seed that maybe I do want to die. I've always thought of my death as a burden to others which is the reason I haven't killed myself these past two years. But that day I realized that my burden is only with people having to dispose of my body or paying for a funeral/burial. That and people feeling as though they have failed me would be another great burden. What if I just disappear somewhere where my body is never found? What if I donate my body to science in a secretive way? I wish I didn't feel this way, but after the past two years I haven't seen a hint of desire for anything and whatever mundane tasks I repeat because they're expected of me end up hurting me more. I really do think my time here has expired and I should probably not overstay my welcome.

Thanks again for replying, and what you said about her words reminding me of painful emotions is true. I don't have any ill feelings towards this girl but the more I speak to anyone the less I appreciate myself.
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replied October 4th, 2012
Hi Nix
Sorry to hear that things aren't going well. My first thought is that you can't change others opinions as I've found out time and time again.

My health's been extremely bad this last year and has been putting me back into depression so I can understand how that affects you (I've now been signed off work for 3 months).

Have you thought about getting away from these people who are making you feel bad? I've found that it does help as I've recently moved to Birmingham to get away from all the rubbish I had in the last place I lived. Also I've joined a social group, sci-fi group and a new church that I found on the meet-up internet site and on other internet pages. I'm hopefully going to make new friends and find people who appreciate me for who I am and don't judge me. As they say you can choose friends but you can't choose family - my mother always told me every day that I was a fat, ugly cow who no-one would want to be with so I should just go and kill myself. If I'd listened to her I wouldn't be here.

Also I'm going to have some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which my doctor has referred me for because of my self harm and the way I think. It had started working but I had to stop because I moved. This could really help you so please have the courage to speak to your doctor.

Thanks for saying those nice things but, as you know it's easier to believe the bad! I am working on believing nice stuff about me but it's difficult because I've had bad/negative stuff for so long.

Please don't think there's no way out but suicide. There's always that little light that's there - I've dragged myself back from the brink more times than I want to remember but even when I've been hanging on to life by the tips of my fingers I've always got through even though sometimes it's taken longer than others.

Keep me posted as to how you're doing and I really hope things start to take a turn for the better.
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replied October 3rd, 2012
Self abuse from an early age - 25 years on
Hi everyone, I'd like to tell my story to you all, it's probably going to be long, but I've recently researched about this, and it turns out I'm not alone in this, and it effects quite a few other people too, so that in itself has helped.

My earliest memory of self abuse is when I was about 2 years old, and I was frantically headbutting the living room floor, since then I have had many episode of self harm and self abuse.

When I was 6 years old, I started to bite my arms, on many occasions drawing blood, much to the frustrations of my mum, who didn't really know how to go about helping me with this. I then moved on to punching myself in the face, pinching my chest, pinching my thigh so hard that I end up turning into this horrible rage and anger. I was bulled severely at school, causing me to recluse into myself.

I'm 26 years old now, I'm still doing these things. I'm still punching myself in the face, pinching the side of my cheek near my eye, biting my arms so hard that it bleeds, I've stabbed my thigh with a screwdriver, punched walls so hard that my knuckles have become damaged and scarred, I've headbutted walls so hard that I've had concussion, had blood pouring down my face - and still, nearly 25 years later I h ave no idea why I do this. I have been in a few abusive relationships, one of which punched me in the face on regular occasions, and got so bad I had to flee the city, and move back to my hometown, which turned into depression.

I seem to be quite an angry person, and the littlist thing will set me off, my mum knows I have self harmed in the past, but I don't think she knows just how bad it's got, although I have VERY recently confided in my girlfriend, who I have been with for 10 months, and she has been so supportive of me, and urged me to get some help about this. I started to do my own research but the closest answer I can get to anything is Bipolar Disorder.

Please help me, please. I cannot do this to myself anymore, I'm scared of pushing away the one person who has stood by me, it's not been easy to talk about this with my partner, but since I have, a weight has been lifted off me, but it's still not enough, I want properly diagnosing and get the help I really should get.

Thank you all so much for reading.
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replied October 4th, 2012
Reading what you wrote stirred up old memories of me biting myself til I bled as a kid. I had completely forgotten that I ever did that. I may have suppressed my memories of biting my arms as a child and I faintly remember stabbing myself through my hands with pins or knives when I was in middle school. Your post somehow got me to remember that.

I'm curious if you are ever outwardly angry or violent to others? I've never been that way to others only to myself. I don't think bi-polar disorder necessarily relates to what we do or how we feel. My feelings don't come and go. I'm either happy or unhappy for long time-frames. I think the closest diagnosis I've seen to what I feel most days is fibromyalgia which is most common in women. Constant exhaustion, depression, sore in all of those key places for no reason. Let's isolate this. I can't see doctors because I'm without work, in debt, and have no insurance. I need a solution because I'm tired of my face being swollen and refusing to go out in the world. THIS ISN'T NORMAL AND WE NEED HELP!
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replied October 4th, 2012
Hi Nix, my apologies, I never meant to stir things up for you, I hope you're OK.

I'm never actually violent to people close to me, however I will vent anger towards someone if they are winding me up, and almost immediately after I feel so guilty. I'm sorry about you not being able to see a doctor, and I can see the vicious cycle. Here in the UK, we are all blessed with free healthcare, I too do not work, and I think that possibly being able to find a job may calm me down a little, I've been unemployed for some time due to being ill with depression.

I really hope you get the help you want. All the best.
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replied October 12th, 2012
I start with slapping my face; when I realize I don't feel the pain, I try slapping harder, ... the harder that I hit myself the scarier I become to my moron wife, who knows that only one thing in this wold makes me that mad: "Not being able to speak with her, without hearing "enough talking" in less than 30 seconds."
I think -if there is a God - I should just win a lottery and leave her for a human female.
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