Dear Angel122:
I am so sorry for the amount of pain you must be feeling! Not only the lack of love that you feel for yourself and the complete blame you must put on yourself for you to hit or harm yourself, but for the loneliness you must also be feeling. The pain of the loneliness probably just multiplies the pain so that you hurt yourself more. This is not your fault and you cannot control everything. The world and the people in this world have a tendency to expect everyone to be accountable to everything that they don't want to take accountability for. You are at this stage, a very sensitive creature. More sensitive then those around you who are probably creating the problem in the first place (your Mom's abandonment of you on the subject and your Sisters mean "jeers" and "pokes"). The best way to handle this is after an episode of hitting yourself, calm down and try to think on what the last thing you did was before you got out of control. This isn't a fix but it's a coping method. I hit myself at 50 and I've learned that stress, constant beratement from my loved ones or peers, causes me to self annihilate. All it really is, is other people are inflicting pain on you and then you have no outlet but to inflict the pain on yourself. I'm sorry that you are struggling with this and I hope that you can find the resources, the strength, and the will to achieve different results. This isn't your fault. I swear it isn't. I know that doesn't help but it might in the "calm down period" of each episode.
Saving 