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Hitting my head on things.

Hey... I think I have a problem.
I don't really know what's going on, but I sometimes get caught up in this... random af fit of... something. I usually run off to a bathroom, be it at school, at home or at a friend's house, or even at the youth club I go to on Wednesdays. I don't remember much about it, just feeling really sick before it happens, sometimes throwing up, but after that it's all a blank. I wake up on the floor, sometimes in a pool of my own vomit and blood. It's disgusting, and I have no clue what's happening, only that somebody else... or someTHING... takes over, and they control my body until I "wake up" again. I always feel ill before and after a switch, and it's not always so violent. Sometimes, I just feel a little queasy, and then suddenly, BLAM! MEMORY GAP!
It's horrible.
My family just moved back from Spain, and they had to drag me kicking and screaming to the airport... and on top of that, half a year after we arrived in a completely new and different country, my parents split up.
I don't know why, but whenever I wake up in a locked bathroom stall, sometimes covered in various gross bodily fluids, I always have a massive, bleeding lump in the middle of my forehead, and somewhere, deep down, through the haze of memory loss, all I can remember is the pain of slamming my head repeatedly into the ceramic toilet bowl, or the plastic of the wall.
It makes me sad, because I don't like hitting inanimate objects. Not sure why, but I've never really grown out of talking to my surroundings. I give things feelings, and I can never bring myself to eat anything with a face drawn on it.
If I bump into a doorway, and my dad says something like;
"Jeesh, poor doorframe!", I know he's joking, but I still cry. He always apologises, and I know he didn't mean it, but...
The whole; "Here comes the aeroplane!" thing never really worked, because as soon as I grow to like something, I can never eat it. My friend Miya personified the bowl of peanuts we were eating once. It was just a slip of the tongue, but she ended up rubbing my back and holding my hair out of my face while I threw up in the toilet.
I can't take my stress out on inanimate objects, because I don't want to hurt them. So the idea of me slamming the hardest part of my body into a poor innocent wall is HEARTWRENCHING. What did the wall ever do to me?!
So I hit my head with my fists instead. I do it when I'm stressed, as you said before, there is something comforting about hitting something and being hit at the same time, but sometimes it's not enough, then I vomit and blank out.
My friend Kayja was terrified once because she heard "Manic laughter and loud crashes" coming from the school bathrooms.
I know it was me. I came out of those bathrooms to see her standing in the corridor, wide eyed and scared. I asked her whether she was okay, I had cleaned my face and clothes, and my fringe covered my forehead, so I knew it was fine. She explained what she had heard, and I must say, it was terrifying to say the least, but I assured her I hadn't heard anything in there, and that it must have come from one of the other classrooms. She accepted this explanation, and we hurried from the hallway, scared of the supposed "psychopath" in the math classrooms.
I'm only 13, so I'm not really sure how to deal with all this, or what to do. I'm slightly worried I'll accidentally cause internal bleeding and damage my brain permanently. I have severe headaches following these "Incidents", and I don't really wish to grow up fudged in the head.
Any suggestions?
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replied February 27th, 2019
Thank you for asking at Ehealth forum!

I read your question and I understand your concern.
Your symptoms are consistent with impulse control disorder. You would need mental state examination for further clarification and to rule out associated disorders.
I hope it helps. Stay in touch with your healthcare provider for further guidance as our answers are just for education and counselling purposes and cannot be an alternative to actual visit to a doctor.
Take care
Khan
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