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Help with Sexual Repression

I have a huge problem that I have probably been in denial about for a long time now, and I need too see what people think.

I am 26 years old, in good shape, completely healthy with no real fears of socializing or going out. I was in a fraternity in college where I was surrounded by beautiful women all the time, but when it came to hooking up with girls at parties I would either avoid it for fear of being labeled with that girl, or I simply felt that I could never break out of my normal polite mode and into a seductive mode with girls. I have no problem talking to girls, and I can always tell if I have a chance, but part of me holds back.

I found out I had a gay brother not to long ago, and I realized that most of my language and expressions are picked up from him. But b/c he was never interested in women, I was never really subjected to brother guy talk. This has caused a problem for me "shooting the crap" about girls with my guy friends. Even though I want to say normal guy stuff, I find myself holding back about anything that has to do with women.

I have been reading Freud and Wilhelm Reich and they discuss the idea of sexual repression and how it restrains the individual from rebelling thus to create a more mundane and obedient "citizen". Unfortunately this problem is not even acknowledged as a disease. But it makes total sense.

I was never a rebellious child at all, and I seem to always be so nice to people. Their description of repression fits me to a tee.

I fell in love with a girl I was best friends with in high school and instead of embracing it and having sex, and being intimate like normal people would do, I pretty much ran away, going to a college far from home. Thinking my problems would solve themselves.

But then I found myself still having the same problems I used to. If I knew anything about the girl, I felt like there was a fear in me to take it to the next level. Almost as if it would be inpolite for me to want to have sex with her. The only girls I ended up hooking up with were girls I had no respect for, and I was usually drunk at a party, resulting in nothing more then a one night stand.

My main problem is, i met a girl that i did truly love, and I did the exact same thing as before. Because I couldn't embrace the love I just left again... but I cam back and started talking to her... however when i went out with her we had a great time, but at the end of the date I almost instinctively just hugged her without even holding eye contact, and just sort of ran to my car and left. I felt like a made a total fool of myself.

I have no idea why I do these things, and it is causing me to become extremely depressed with my life. I try and rationalize it by saying there are lots of guys out there who aren't getting girlfriends. But most of those guys either don't know how to talk to women, or are just completely anti social all togethor. I could have a girlfriend if I wanted but this side of me that holds back is killing me.

I am positive it is sexual repression. And I was wondering what peoples advice would be to break out of my shell more. Should I simply go bar hopping and sleep with tons of women until I have no respect for women at all? (probably not) But any help would be great~
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First Helper MGdyhehs

replied March 11th, 2009
Hello Good Sir
The answer to your question is that you need to be honest with people. If you can find someone that you can be totally honest with before you have sex then everything will be well. Find a girl and be affectionate in a partially sexual way and then once you can be honest tell her about how you want to go to bed with her and your feelings about this.
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replied June 5th, 2009
My whole life has been cursed by the same problem as you describe, almost identical. I never realised until now, too late, what the problem was. Part of being sexually repressed is to be blinded and deafened to even the very information which could save you. The feeling of injustice is horrendous --- life could have been big and flowing and full of light with intelligence and creativity like those you most admire and instead it just lay paralysed.
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replied August 6th, 2009
Just one thing - how dare you disrespect women just because they choose to sleep with you 'easily'. Women should be able to have sex just as 'loosely' as you, without you losing respect. Get a grip. How are you to overcome sexual repression when you are one of the repressors? It's great that you can be so honest with yourself, but come on - double standards.
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replied April 15th, 2010
Sexual repression
OK. First you have to do away with the idea that having sex with a girl is disrespecting her. This comes from the idea that sex is bad and dirty to it will be very difficult to have sex with a women that you feel not only a sexual attraction but also an emotional one. You do have to understand that the second is a result of the other sex and romantic love go together, they are not separate, however the idea that sex is dirty ends up killing the relationship from the beginning.
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replied February 28th, 2011
You might be a homosexual.
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replied May 7th, 2011
I ave known people with this problem, life can become unlivable, because of it. Don't listen to people making stupid comments that you are "gay" or a "sexist" disrespecting girls. This problem is extremely difficult to solve on your own, you have continue your own efforts of thinking and writing down about how it originates--you are doing a good job already--but I think supportive discussion with a good psychotherapist or other kinds of therapists is a lifesaver, then you can make progess a bit sooner instead of solving it on your own after 9 or 10 years of pain
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replied May 11th, 2011
I used to suffer from the same, when i was young i was afraid to kiss or even be around a cute girl. Not wanting to insult her with my advances.
Over time i became charming, good looking, and able to get lots of interest from women, but I was always fearful to make the jump. Not necessarily of the initial kiss, but more of what it would lead to emotionally or physically.
As i got older the situation worsoned. I could take home women who I didn't respect, but around a quality girl I would go limp in the bedroom, even with drugs. The same fears and conditionings from youth just concentrated later in the mating stage.
But there Is a hope. I don't know all the conditionings that caused this, and I don't believe it's necessary to know. It happens because our hearts aren't relaxed, they are tense due to the conditionings.
In order to relax the heart, first the body must be relaxed, lay down and feel out any stress points. Next the mind must relax, just empty, not many thoughts. Then tell the heart to open up.
Slowly it will feel almost like a tap has been turned on, like life is flowing over your body. It can be a bit scary at first and you'll notice yourself clamping up again. The feeling is beautiful ,sensitive and intense as you learn to open it up over time.
All that sexual desire energy from years of repression is there and is beautiful. Never feel bad about it, but try as much as possible to open the heart and at least feel it if youre not yet comfortable to express it.
It will connect you with your feelings and sexuality so that you will be passionately drawn to women, able to connect deeply with them, and feel comfortable to take them without fear or hesitation the way nature intended us to.
I learned this from OSHO, you can google plenty of his stuff.
As for me I'm 30 now and my last 6 months have been a slow turnaround. The more I relax my heart the more emotion shone thru and it's slowly making my love life more exciting than I believed possible. I'm proud to say that now finally I'm a bit of a rockstar in the bedroom, the way I always wanted to be but I had been repressing myself.

Anyhow that was a bit of a long post but I'm really passionate about this since it plagued me for so many frustrating years and I feel what you're going thru and hope this can help someone.
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replied November 11th, 2011
MGdyhehs thank you for your wonderful post. I've been in a wonderfully loving relationship with a man for almost two years. We've had sexual intimacies maybe 5 - 6 times at most and I'm a very sexual person! At first I thought he was having an affair with someone, then I thought maybe he was gay and then I was sad when I realized that this is just who he is. He has a wonderful capacity to love and I've never been held by a man like he holds me, so much love and tenderness but no intimacy. We sleep with our night clothes on (he is not comfortable being naked with me) and he gets nervous whenever I make sexual advances. Until reading your post I didn't really understand but now I think I do, at least a little bit.

So again, thank you my friend for sharing your story...
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replied November 15th, 2011
I'm a girl and was kind of in the same sort of state of mind last year, I would hide from guys I liked and suppress my more intimate emotions. I ended up in a pretty bad state and ended up getting pills from the doc for depression..I didn't take them though, I realised I had to just sort myself out and I'm alright now.
You sound like a really decent guy though, just try telling a girl how you are and feel about it. I would totally understand if a guy told me that sort of thing and I'm sure other girls would! If you can't try it with the girl you like then try getting a girl best friend, might up the confidence to let the emotions out Smile
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replied June 27th, 2013
Similar situation
Wow! I have been searching for some kind of answer for this. My boyfriend of seven months has been going through something very similar. He is very rigid emotionally, even what I would consider cold. He wont or cant have sex. I've initiated several times but every time he turns me down. It's not that he doesn't get ..... excited because he does. Something inside him decides he has to turn it off and he calls the night short. He's taken to initiating sex when it's inappropriate like when my daughter is around. I think to avoid actually having to follow through. I've discussed it with him. Explained how I felt about it and told him that I need some kind of intimacy, even flirting would be nice. He said "flirting?" like he had no idea what I was talking about. When we first started dating he was much more emotionally open than he is now. He flirted and we were much more intimate then than we are now. Maybe he figured it wasn't going to work out and he could be because I wouldnt be there later? I'm trying to be supportive and help him get through it, but he says he has a "complex" and he'll try to "get through it". which is offensive to me because he shouldnt have to force himself to do it. It should come naturally. I feel helpless and alone and angry and well a lot of other crap. I don't know how to handle this, but knowing that other men are going through the same issues kind of helps me handle it better. His birthday isn't for another 5 months but I have this plan. He always talks about this black leather trenchcoat he liked that he used to have. My plan is to buy him a new one and show up at his house with nothing but that and some sexy boots and lingerie on. The only thing I can think of is what if even that doesnt work. A woman can only be rejected so much before she cracks.
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