Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Help! Trying to control me after the relationship ended?

I don't really know the appropriate place to put this thread...I really need help.
sorry this is very long, and I'm not the best writer, my thoughts jump around a lot...


I was in a very intense abusive relationship for 5 months. I'll give you guys some back up information first so you know what kind of nut bag i am dealing with.

Anyways it started out as a drunken one night stand, We met on a warm night in June right outside a local bar, the man was absolutely crazed. He grabbed my face and told me i was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and to come home with him and drink vodka...i just thought he was just a drunken douche bag trying to get laid (which he was) didn't know he was out of his mind. We all ended back at this guys house, he's keeps spouting off this crazy stuff about how he wants me to move in with him, he was suicidal and then he saw me and now he's all better, so i kind of gave in to his crazy banter and we had sex. I thought that once he got what he wanted he would back off...not the case. He tried getting me to stay at his house over night just to lay with him, wouldn't stop with the texts, wanted to send me flowers, I knew something wasn't right and thought he was creepy. After the incessant harassment i kinda gave in, because he was very charming in a sicko kind of way. I agreed to have tea with him. We talked and got to know each other better, it wasn't until our next meeting that he started to show definite warning signs(looking back on it). We ended up at the same guys house, he tried kissing me out on the porch, and i wouldn't do it...so he used force and yelled at me that "he didn't like my f*****g games" so i told him to leave then...and he said he couldn't....i just wrote it off as crazy drunken antics, and i was playing a game with him at that time. We slept together again....our run inns became more frequent. I told him i was going to be moving to the city in September (going back to school after a couple years off) he hated the idea, he said bad things would happen to me there that women have no will power and that he does not want me to go back to school cause i will leave him for another guy. I was mad, and at this point i was still playing hard to get(i also had trouble owning up to the fact that i was developing feelings for him) so i pulled away and the more i played this the more it drove him insane. He would get so possesive and jealous, he told me i was a cat, a cat without a leash, and that he wants a puppy, a girl who will follow him. He would freak out at the bar thinking someone was going to drug me, or take me. This was a side that came out mostly when he was drunk, and i got another side to him too, that i loved. He was a musician and i am a painter, we would talk about the arts for hours, and he had a unique perspective on things that i just loved, we clicked really well and we played off each others humor all the time (he was hysterical). Then he would get drunk and everything would change, he was a naturally passionate person(extremely) so i just figured his crazy rants were just him showing passion about the relationship. The put downs started as mean attempts to control me..."A real woman doesn't stay out and close bars, do you really want to close the bars every night?" "only sl*ts wear makeup why do you have to wear makeup you don't have to impress anyone else but me" I never really listened, and i think it drove him nuts. He would get mad if i stayed after work and drank a glass of wine with my meal, he thought my boss was trying to hit on me. One time in particular i remember i was out with friends, he told me to come home to him where i "was safe", and i told him one more drink and i would be over. I guess one turned into 3, and when i got to his place, he was drinking scotch, he had his back to me, and i said..."what are you mad? Are we just going to sit here in silence" he replied with "yes so shut the f**k up" Then came over to me and hugged me and then started laughing, and punched his kitchen cabnet that i was standing near, about 5 times rapid fire. I tried so hard to ignore his behavior that night because i liked him...a lot. He would hate when i brought up other guys, he said that i flirt with the whole town and he couldnt take it. He would go off the most the morning after when we'd wake up together, one time i was laying in bed with him and he went off about how he just wanted to rough me up, but he couldnt, and kept getting really handsy like grabbing my skin, and covering my mouth with his hand, and then just laughing after cause he would realize that it was sick, and i wrote it off cause of that laughter. He started to be critical of me for not wanting sex all the time (he wanted it every 30 mins if he could) telling me i was abnormal and real women like sex. He would try having sex with me while i was sleeping and when i would protest he told me "shhh just go with it". I would get mad and i would protest, and this is what made him crazy, cause i was not his "puppy" i was a "cat without a leash". We got really involved after i left for the city, i became dependent on him completely we spoke everyday, he would send me sweet messages all the time, He was the only thing making me happy, cause i was alone in a big city, nothing else was constant anymore but him, he made me feel good about my self and protected and wanted. He would come up every weekend to visit, and if he couldn't i would visit him. We loved being around each other and when we were things were good, we would go on adventures through the city, and i just felt like we were best friends. This is when i started to submit, cause i was terrified he was going to leave me. He tried his best to keep me in check, but i am a 21 year old girl living in the city, i was going to go out. Then the old behavior started to shine through again after a month or two...He would flip out on me over the internet when he was drunk, calling me names, and then when i would get mad he would say crazy things like "What the f**k are you talking about....silly girl" pretending it didn't even happen. Then go on to tell me that he is the only man in my life that every treated me right and who actually cares. So he told me he started to detatch himself cause he was convinced that i was going to hurt him, and there was one side to him that knew it was wrong to control me. It all snapped when he called me at 2 am and i was going out, he ended it....i called him the next morning and he told me he was so angry he was shaking and drinking ....at 9 am. We made amends, but a week later he started having drinks with another girl, he told me it was in a frantic attempt to not get hurt by me. He told me one weekend i came home, and said he didnt want to hurt me, so he had to tell me. I ended it with him, and ended up getting very very drunk at the local bar, he saw me and ended up taking me home, because he didn't want me to drink and drive. I don't remember much of that night, i only remember being angry, that he took me home with him. So the next night i was drinking at my favorite pub ( he hates it there he never goes) so i stayed there because i knew he wouldn't run into me. Well i see him staring me down from the bar across the street...i ignore him, until he comes in and finds me. and asks me to come home with him. I give in like a jerk, and this is when he first got physical. He was drunk off a bottle of scotch whiskey and pretty stoned as well. I was laying on his lab and he was petting my hair, we weren't fighting...hes running his fingers through my hair, and catches a knot...and pulls on it. I told him not to and that i had a sensitive scalp, he didn't respond to this....he kept yanking at all the knots, and i was begging him to stop, after a while he was just grabbing chunks and putting my hair out from the roots. clumps and clumps lay everywhere and he's got me from behind and im just crying hysterically yelling and pleading for him to stop, grabbing his hand, doing anything i could. and he kept saying over and over again. "Toughen up, Toughen up"...after it ended i pushed him and he didn't move and he pushed me onto the bed and said..."that is why i am a man and you are a f*****g woman" and then walked away. The next day i went back to get my jacket i left, and he told me to run away cause he is a monster, and that i was his favorite person in the whole world, and the last thing he would want to do is hurt me. I left crying deleted him from my life, and then i caved, and told him i wanted us to be decent about this break up. We tried the friend thing, didn't work i ended up sleeping over everytime i went home, untill one day i flipped out on him and publicly threw wine in his face. That is what made it offical.

So weeks pass, it looks like he is seeing another girl, but yet....he will not stop messaging me, checking up on me. Making sure I'm alright and no one is harassing me, silly older brother stuff. I am now home for x mas break saw him at a party on Sat, he followed me around the whole party, and his bossy tendencys came back. i was kneeling on the floor looking through the hosts cd's and he yelled at me to stand up and that it wasn't lady like for me to be down there and he wants me to look my best. He was very needy and had me come out with him for all his smoke breaks....so everyone got snowed in, and we had to all sleep there. We got drunk and i tried talking to him about the relationship ending and how i miss him, and he kept yelling at me "YOU DIDNT EVEN CARE " over and over again, then telling me to get the f**k away...so i did....he pulled me back and we kissed. We ended up in the same bed, he just held me the whole night that was it. The next morning i started crying about the other girl, and how i don't understand, he told me he still thinks about me all the time everyday, the only reason he went to the party is cause he knew i was there but he cant kiss me because hes with someone else. so I'm a mess, all of the stragglers go out to breakfast, and he starts up on the public humiliation. I made a remark about how me and my buddy were the only women at the table. He looks at me and goes, "woman? You're not a woman, your a GIRL...a little girl" and the whole table looks at me and goes silent. I didn't say a word cause i felt like i was going to start sobbing. So he then goes on with his hissy fit saying "STOP BEING MAD AT ME YOUR ALWAYS MAD AT ME". Now when ever he talks to me, he's just a complete *****, talks to me everyday, i feel like hes still trying to control me cause he knows im hurting, he just threatened me earlier today. I'm getting sick of it, but hes like an addiction, i would love to continue being friends with him we get along great...Please someone help tell me what he is trying to do. He is absolutely pulling my heart strings, and i don't know how much more i can take.
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replied January 25th, 2010
I don't even know where to start. He is so incredibly sick and has infected you as well. If you have any hope of a normal life, you need to cut off any and every tie with him. Seriously. He is going to kill you one day and you can't even see it. You are completely addicted to him and for a reason I can't even understand. I'm sorry to be so blunt sweetheart. Please, for yourself and for your parents, tell someone about him. When he starts stalking you, call the POLICE and file a restraining order. You may think you know him and he wouldn't hurt you. You aren't seeing things clearly. You are looking from the inside. He belittles you, hurts you physically and emotionally and is completely insane. A real and healthy relationship builds each other UP. You would feel SAFE and SECURE. Please PLEASE get some help. You will find the man of your dreams I promise you.
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replied January 28th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
He didn't do anything to you. You just found one another. From the very start you were attracted to a man who had an abusive manner. You're an enabler. You respond to the control, isolation and dominance of an abuser and if you don't know in time you'll find that you encourage it when it isn't present. He needs help but so do you. Get yourself in abuse survivor counseling. Learn some methods for recognizing and defeating this behavior to avoid having another relationship like this.
As LisaCaruolo said, cut off all contact, including your ability to contact him, New email, new home, new phone without his number. Toss out anything to do with him from your life. Make tomorrow the first day of not being the person who puts up with his kind of crap.
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replied March 5th, 2010
Experienced User
Entirely agree with Wolf. Obviously you didn`t want to be physically hurt, but you seem affectively between neutral/ passively observing and positive regarding his other traits. You actually state that you had wanted him as your best friend? It appears that this guy requires an environment of dominance for ego equilibrium, and I personally find that scary - Putting you down, and probably females generally is just a means to this end. All that really made the difference was violence and too much sex??
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replied March 26th, 2010
thanks
Thanks everyone for the responses, I finally cut him off it's been almost 2 months since ive stopped talking to him, last call was him threatening to punch me in the stomach after he blaimed me for crashing his computer (sent him a movie website so he could watch movies at home). I feel so much better, and realized how blind i was. I am finally free. He tries to contact me in small ways, i just don't respond. Feel horrible for the new girl, i wish i could warn her, but i'm not sure how.
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replied March 27th, 2010
Experienced User
Females require the strength of numbers
You should warn her, for females must stick together, as their capacity for this is one of their vital strengths. Simply write down the address of these posts in an envelope marked "in confidence"
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