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Help. Should I seek it.

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Hello all. I'd like you to know that this is day 3 that I've been awake. It's been this way before, but I was always able to come back from it somehow. I'm an honorably discharged veteran and I won't say what branch(I'm here for opinions/advice, not seeking glory). I was able to sleep ok when I was with fellow members of my branch on deployments and TDY's, but it eats at you the stuff you have to do or things I had to do rather.

It's very difficult for me to sleep alone. For a while, I was ok. I believe that was because the IMMENSE relief of seeing a light at the end of the tunnel (no more active duty!!!!), but the sleeplessness and the anguish came back like your ex who left because you were broke and came back when you won the lottery (lol).

For anyone that's stayed awake for longer than 3 days, it's effects are like stages. Day 2, your tired, day 3 your energetic, day 4 hallucinations set in that alarm you. I've never consciously made it to day 5. No, I've never spoken about it to anyone.

A funny story. A few years ago before I was married, I used to have a huge apartment with no real furniture. Just the office kitchen and bedroom was where I spent most of my time.

I was lying in bed on the morning of the 4th day of not sleeping and I get ok, though my back and shoulders ached and it hurt to move my eyes for about an hour or so, but anyone whose carried something heavy on there back for long periods of time will tell you that you get used to it.

I got up to take a shower, take care of personal hygiene taskings, iron my uniform. Then, after I was dressed, I sat at my kitchen table and had some coffee and ate something.

Funny thing about that, I didn't have a coffee maker and I didn't have furniture. This realization hit me while I was in my car driving on 495 (I almost crashed). What I remember couldn't have happened possibly but it scared me so drastically that When I got to work, hid some where alone and had a long cry.

Mind you, all I remember is hiding in this place and how heavily the sadness and the tiredness had hit meal at once. It get like I blinked opened my eyes, woke up on the floor and I discovered that I had been asleep for quite sometime (about 12 hrs). I arrived some time before 8am. I do remember that when I awoke, the sun was setting and everyone had left and I was in a right state.

It was downhill from there. Eventually I just got to the point where nothing seemed to matter, not even myself. I tried to kill myself, and my roommate found me in our barracks bathtub. Since then, and I say this here because I honestly think no one will read this and take me seriously and tbh I find it easier to speak when I cannot see who I'm speaking to (about matters like this), so I'll be honest.

I think back to that day daily and have ever since and I regret it. I don't regret the act itself -no- I regret not finishing the job. Every choice I make, I always have killing myself as a solution I.e. If I get fired from my job, I could always just do it tonight, but not in the bathtub, I don't want my husband to clean it up. Where's he in all this? Well,

He's oblivious to certain things, because he doesn't know what to say sometimes. I go trough these stunts of depression and sleeplessness. I've been living this way ever since the military, but I don't know if that's where it came from, as I've been to self conscious/scared/cowardly to discuss this with anyone. After I tired to kill mysef, I was in a health facility for 7 days and I saw a therapist twice and true government sent me on my way. I believe they diagnosed me with something gave me 2 prescriptions which I never took and told me "not to let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya". After all of that I simply withdrew into myself for a few years.

The depression has been worsening and I cannot shake it. It might not be depression. Sometimes I get so angry from nowhere that I begin to cry. It comes in .I'm So so sad... all the time. All the time. ALL the time. Combine that with no sleep.

If you met me, I'm extremley friendly. I smile, laugh, hard worker, I drive a nice car and I have a nice house, junior guys at my job look up to (what they perceive to be) me, but what they don't know that it's a mask, and a heavy one at that.

I read the forum rules and I'm not making threats, but I don't know how much longer I can live like this in this perpetual state of emotional unbalance. I'm afraid to seek help, because I don't want someone pointing there finger at me in there chair making me some case and judging me, but I think I may be at an impass. I'm hoping that if I give it another few months, the problem will correct itself even if temporarily one way or another.

One thing I will say is that I haven't been able to hold meaningful relationships with anyone but my husband (and this is puttting a serious strain on him too), I shy away from social interactions, I'm anxious all the time (at time it feels like my heart is going to fall out of my chest and my lips and hands go numb and sometimes I can breathe and it goes away or worst case, I pass out in the hallway while the commanding officer is calling me in to receive an (True story).

I could go on, but it's 5am and I have to get ready for work. If you read all the way through this,

Thank you.

I look forward to your response.

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