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I am in an abusive relationship with the father of my 1 year old son. He makes me feel I am worthless in every area of my life and that I cannot do anything right (bad mother, bad partner, lazy, selfish, fat, arrogant, stupid, incompetent in business, etc.) He always talks about how much happier he would be with just my son and that I didn't exist. I hurt myself when he does this because in the moment I believe him and I think my son would be better off if I wasn't around, and I am so desperate and in so much pain I have nothing else to turn to. I want to leave him, and have left a couple of times with my son to stay with my dad, and both times I have come back because I really want to work it out. He is an amazing dad and when our relationship is good I am happy, but I can't risk losing it all. I need to be a strong woman for my son. Last time I tried to leave he threatened me and I am scared he would take my son back to his country. We also run a business. I don't know what to do.


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replied April 27th, 2011
Troubled and Abusive Relationships Answer A22398
Hello.

I am sorry for what you are going through. It seems that a lot depends on how you take it, now. This is a time for you to work towards consolidation of your relationship. It seems you do want to work it out. And if your goal is to regain the happiness in your marriage, you need to weigh your thoughts and beliefs against that goal. In other words, you need to hold on to those thoughts that help you move toward your goal, and leave out those that do not.

I am sure your counseling sessions are helping you in this regard. The first thing you can do is talk with your husband about this. Let him know that his words and behavior are not helping you. On a more personal level, you need to find thinking patterns that will shield you from any critical comments and remarks from him.

It's not what he says, but how you perceive what he says, that creates the hurt. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) or Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) are recommended modes of therapy.

Lastly, avoid getting affected by others' opinions about you. And your happiness should not lie in someone else's mind. Get back your freedom to choose how you want to feel about things.

Take care.

Abhijeet Deshmukh, MD


(This post is for the purpose of providing medical information and is not a substitute for a face-to-face consultation with a doctor. This post is not intended to give or rule out a diagnosis, create a doctor-patient relationship or replace an existing one. I am not able to diagnose medical conditions online. Please consult with your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider for diagnosis and treatment options)


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