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he had a wife and two children. I feel insecure, no control

I've been going through a difficult time in my life. I don't know what to do really.
It start two years ago when I became pregnant unplanned. The father of my son wanted me to get an abortion and decided not too. I was living abroad and he didnt want me to stay in his country to have the child. It was not what I wanted I wanted to have the child together but he wanted me to be with my family and away from him. Although he said he still wanted to be with me.In this time I also found out he had a wife and two children which he never told me about and he needed to organise his life. I was home for 6 months and he only came to see his son and me twice for 5 days and 3 days. I told me he missed me but I wanted to make plans to return to organise a life together and he kept refusing as he didn't want to live with me. I decided to return to live by myself and try to make it work. When I returned I found out he had cheated on me. He work withs the women he cheated on me with and other exes also. Since then he has been apologetic and wants to make it work and says he loves me. Ive been in his country for 9 months. Its been two years since I found out I was pregnant but he still doesn't want to live with me and our son. He doesn't participate very much with his son as he says he has a lot of work to do, and doesnt financially support us either. I take full responsibility of my son and expenses. We are still together and I do have love for him and would like to make things better to be a happy family. Put I think Im causing more harm than good. I have put pressure on him to move in together to feel security and commitment for him, but was utterly dissappointed by another rejection, I feel insecure, no control, unhappy, helpless, I check his fone all the time and want to know what he is doing, when it doesnt come to see me in the evening when he finishes work I can seriously down and anxious because I dont believe he is where he says he is, I think he is lying to me all the time, or thats he hiding the truth. Iv asked to change his job because I get very stresses and anxiety about the people he works with. He has promised to never cheat on me, to not to hide but I find out he lies about so many little things like where he went with his children for weekend: I big problems to believe him with important things. He has made lots of promises but I dont believe them. I've dreams of being a happy family, but I feel like im destroying it by not believing him, by not relaxing more, if he is not staying with me in the night I dont want him touching me because I feel that he wants to use me sexually and then leave. I push him away all the time. I think its me who is causing more problems now because I'm stresses, worried, anxious, paranoid all the time, I dont want to get hurt again. But I don't want to leave from him because before we used to spend lots of time together, laughed all the time, I was really happy but I'm not anymore, if feel cold and dead inside, I don't feel happy with me son, when Im down and think my son is better off without me because I cant take care of him properly, I have thought about leaving from his father and returning home to be with my family who i feel loved by but than I feel guilty that i didn't try hard enough in the relationship. When I get down and Can cry for hour until I fall asleep and the next day I don't feel like seeing anyone I stay at home and feel sorry for myself. Like I'm a victim all the time and my son father is just trying to hurt me. The past is haunting me and my mind is always excessively active with negative thoughts now and its getting worse. I don't feel like the happy fun bubbly confident person anymore, I don't know who I am anymore. Can someone give me advice on whats wrong with me, how to manage with my life stresses, to make my mind more peaceful. I think Im starting to go crazy.
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replied June 25th, 2012
Hey there,

First of all, GOOD for you for supporting yourself and your son. It's not an easy task to do on your own so you should be proud of yourself.

It sounds to me like you have put a lot of effort into this relationship, but he has lied to you and is doing nothing that deserves your love anymore. You have a beautiful young son who needs his mother. Don't ever think he would be better off without you, a child needs their mother.

Ultimately, the decision is up to you and you asked how to manage your life stresses. Depression is a serious thing, it can come from within but it can also come from the people we allow to stay in our lives. From what I have read in your post you have done so much to try and make things work, including living in another country. But you have a new man in your life now, your son. That right there is a new relationship that you can grow and nurture.
You said you have a family that loves you back home. Would you not rather be with people you know love you and your son, than someone who constantly causes you to feel sad?
Remember all the reasons why you are amazing, and remember that there is so much more to life than one lying man.
It also would be good to consider seeing a therapist, someone to talk to and help you work things out when you're feeling unsure. I hope things go well for you, and of course post as much as you need! It does help to vent. Smile
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