Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

he beat me up mentally all of these years.

I married this guy 13 yrs ago and in 2009 we were living in Texas where he went to work for Chesapeake Energy. He hounded me to move up to Pennsylvania and so I did a yr later. I thought that maybe we could give a our marriage a 2nd chance. We were in trouble a long time before that. I'm now 54yrs old and my husband is 60. He is so mentally abusive to me. Example, I ask him to check the tires on the car, his reply is,"check the tires myself. So many things have happened over the years. While supporting this a hole for all of these years and even going through the death of his daughter standing behind him. He got his big time career going well where am I now. I feel like such a loser he has beat me up mentally all of these years. He never cared about me. He got me to leave my home and be stranded up in Ohio now and has used me up and now he is finished with me. He just doesn't have the guts to tell me. He wants me to be the one to leave...
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replied October 2nd, 2013
Extremely eHealthy

If you have given it your best try there is no disgrace in leaving. These things might seem like a competition but they really aren't; it is the nuts and bolts of a relationship that is the competition and not the leaving.

Your husband has his big time career you say. That probably means he is some sort of boss and used to delegating everything to subordinates. Some men and women have such jobs or the ambition to have such jobs and they can't leave the boss attitude at the office and very soon the marriage is in trouble.
The partner of such people is often a normal sort of person who expects to receive the love, kindness and respect that is due to them automatically and gratis. The reality is sometimes very different and the partner must be in line with all those employees trying to earn favour from the boss unless that partner is very strong and can assert his or herself and claim their equality every single day for years, sometimes more than every day until the boss-person finally gets the message.

Once the partner of a boss-person gives way over something it will naturally be repeated until a trend is established and then a habit and then it will be abuse.

My wife would check her own tyres but I would have to make my own meals for quite a while afterwards...

I guess years ago you gave way over something trivial and thought you were being nice or helpful as a wife is supposed to be but instead found it was downhill all the way since.

I think you should think of your husband as inadequate or maladjusted and consider yourself relatively normal if my description sounds familiar.
If my description seems familiar it is your husband who is the loser and not you.
If my description seems familiar I suggest you leave and do so with a clear conscience.

It might seem that he has used you up but once you have established a new routine where you are number one and your mind and emotions get a well-earned rest you will feel differently.
These days a 54 year old is not past anything or beyond anything. These days lots of younger men are seeking older girlfriends, for instance, if that thought eventually floats your boat...

Good luck!
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