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Hate my husband but feel my biological clock is running out

Should I stay or should I go?
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He has become so intolerable. We've been in a bad place for the past few years, but we've been together on and off for a long time, and have both hung on because we think this is where we're supposed to be. But I can't stand his touch; he keeps me so angry that the thought of sleeping with him makes me want to vomit. He's so judgmental. Any innocent action gets twisted into something negative. He cusses me, calls me all kinds of horrible names. And I admit, he pushes me to the point where I sometimes sink to his level and join in the madness. I know there's a good person in there though. I know we love each other on some level. If you have ever heard Pink's "True Love" that is us! "Sometimes I hate every stupid word you say. Sometimes I want to slap you in your whole face. There's no one quite like you, you push all my buttons down. I know life would suck without you."

I don't know how to life without him but I have so much hate in my heart and I don't want it there. I try to take the first step and be nice, even when he's being a complete jerk, but he doesn't meet me half way. He doesn't return my kindness, he just continues being a jack-*ss(for lack of a better term). Life's so short. My biological clock is about to run out and I don't have time to form another relationship in time to still have a family. I need this to work out. How do I get the person I fell in love with back? Sometimes I truly think he stays around for the sole purpose of making me miserable. I just want to be happy. I know I can do that with or without him, I just wish it would be with him.
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replied May 12th, 2014
I'm probably the last person that should give you advise, but I'll try.

Sounds like he is pretty harsh on you. When he says things or pushes your buttons to make you angry, do you fight back? He may be getting a thrill out of it if you are.

One thing you can try is when he starts cussing you, or yelling at you is to try and keep calm, don't talk trash back but make him see and know that you are hurt by what he said or did. I know that has helped me in certain situations where the other person is saying hurtful things to me, but I found out they were trying to get a specific reaction out of me. I may be picturing your marriage way wrong. Specifics can help.

How old are you and how long have you been married? Just curious because you said you wanted children...
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replied May 12th, 2014
I'm 37 and we've been married since 2008, but we had dated several times before, even living together once and then separating for a few years. He's extremely insecure, jealous, and needy. If he doesn't get the physical attention he wants, he breaks out the emotional blackmail and acts like a complete jerk until I give in just to get him to act half-way human. This just makes me resent him more. He doesn't get that if he was nice to me first, the rest would come a lot easier for me. As it is he expects me to never go anywhere so I can stay home and be treated like crap by him. I worked over 40 hours EVERY week and in my time off, I'm his whipping post (not literal, he doesn't hit me. sometimes I wish he would so I would KNOW the right thing to do is leave) I want to be with him but I want him to be nice. Give me the same respect he would give a stranger in a gas station.
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replied May 25th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
It sounds like the guy doesn't have a lot of respect for himself and has got into really bad habits. Maybe it is serial behaviour learned from his own upbringing or maybe he is just a maladjusted jerk.
Maybe he is ignorant of how he should be behaving.
Maybe he has anger management problems or maybe it is a combination of all of those things...

A person doesn't respect anyone or anything if they don't respect themselves. A person cannot genuinely like anyone or expect others to like them if they don't feel comfortable in their own skins.

I would speculate he doesn't respect the guy in the gas station any more or less than he respects anyone else, including himself. In that situation he has learned being polite and observing the social conventions is the way to get served and avoid trouble. America has a mostly very polite society but most of it is false.

Understanding why he is like he is will be half the battle to presenting the sort of arguments that might concentrate his mind.

The biggest problem you face is the fact he is a jerk at home for so many years he has the habit and it will be a hard habit to break him of. I expect he doesn't even give a thought to what he says or how he says it any more.
I expect he sees you as a part of the furniture or a pet rather than a feeling person with thoughts and a personality of your own. I expect he doesn't realise or even think about how hurtful and disrespectful he is. I expect it is years since he credited you with feelings.

I think if you don't do something radical you will never change anything because I fully expect he hardly knows he is doing anything wrong.

What is needed is a referee to ensure the game is played fairly and the rules are adhered to.
Marriage licences aren't supplied with referees and so folk have to muddle through on their own the best they can and it is hoped whatever happens they will remain polite to each other.

I guess the first time he let fly with his bad manners you forgave him instead of making a real issue of it and laying down the law? Big mistake if you did...

You need a referee and that means couple counselling but I have a feeling he wouldn't go because as far as he is concerned he hasn't a problem. Even if he does go I doubt it would do much good because counselling will only help if he wants to discover what is wrong and wants to make those changes.

My opinion for what it is worth is to kick him out or to leave and see how much he wants you back after a few months when you tell him a year of anger management therapy and couple counselling is a condition of you getting back together, that you certainly won't be getting back together any time soon and it is going to be several months before you allow him to start dating you again - maybe!

It could be you have got something of a habit yourself and you are seeing the rut you are in as a relatively safe place to be because you are so close. Once away from it and it is viewed in the right light you will be able to see that rut for what it is; a prison cell.

I suggest you tell your husband not to wait too long to recognise his faults and do something about them because you might just take it into your head to look around and see how the other half live.

I realise this is all valuable time your body clock can't afford to lose but I consider your dignity to be more valuable than a family and it would be irresponsible to have a role model like your husband for a father. Once a child comes along everything else must be secondary to protecting the child from bad role models.

I hope I have provided food for thought. Please come back if you need to discuss anything further.

Good luck!
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