Medical Questions > Mental Health > Depression Forum

Has anyone ever been where I am and made it out alive?

Sorry this is such an essay, I went on a bit:

My life is a complete wreck, I'm 26 years old, living with my parents since I dropped out of university 6 years ago. I've never had a job or a girlfriend, I have no appreciable skills and what intelligence I had has been rotted away by 10 years of doing very little besides sitting at my computer playing games, smoking, eating and watching American sit-coms. I've never really 'tried' at anything in my entire life, I can't think of a single endeavour in my 26 years where I've really put the effort in, things either come easily or I don't do them. I have no friends at all, I've never had anyone in my life I was completely open with, but what few 'friends' I had (i.e. people who also liked computer games and science fiction) I've long since cut out of my life; aside from a couple of awkward chats with old school-mates in the street, on the rare occassions when I leave the house, I haven't had a conversation with anyone I wasn't related to in 6 years. I've also done a few pretty terrible things ranging from the extremely creepy to the immoral and illegal, which I don't feel able to confess to.

My body is as much of a wreck as my mind: I'm very overweight (obviously) and incredibly unfit, I have classic symptoms of a heart condtion and I'm 100% certain that I will die of a heart attack in the next couple of years at this rate, my parents have said as much too. Besides the genuine concerns I have a degree of hypochondria too, there has been no point in the last decade that I haven't been investigating a lump somewhere on my body for signs of cancer (the current lump in question is at the back of my mouth on the right).

I'm completely addicted to my PC, I've done all the lying, cheating and stealing you'd need to be sure of that. I've been aware for years that the main barrier to my having some kind of a life is my addiction, it's the distraction I use to stop my mind from thinking about my situation and it's what I do instead of leaving the house in the day. I'm completely dependent on it and I cannot imagine life without it.

It goes without saying that I'm depressed. I have zero self-confidence or self-respect, I'm tired all the time, I have panic attacks and often a physical pain in my gut when I think about my life. My mind is no longer capable of envisioning positive things: whenever I daydream it always spirals off into a horrible scenario, I have to catch myself and stop myself thinking before the daydream that started with me asking a girl out ends with me being murdered. My dreams are pretty unpleasant too, I often wake up feeling worse than when I went to sleep. It's not just that I've forgotten what it feels like to live in anything other than fear and misery it's that I forget that I've forgotten.

I currently feel like I'm post-suicidal, I have had many suicidal thoughts, I planned how and where I would kill myself, but I never really felt like I had the willpower to see it through, I figure if I had the guts to do anything that active in my life I'd have the guts to go and get help. As it is I'm killing myself by degrees with every day spent at the computer, smoking and eating.

Looking back over my life I can see the seeds of my depression stretching back right into my childhood, I've had some bad luck and made a lot of mistakes along the way to get where I am today. Until a few years ago I would have characterised my depression as a fear of death, now I would characterise it as regret for the life I didn't have. The latter state is far more painful than the former by the way, I physically ache when I think about the love and passion it's possible to experience that I've never had. There was a time in my life when it was all there for the taking but I didn't recognise it, and now that I want it it's so far beyond my reach.

I know now what it is I want from life - I want all the usual things that normal people want: I want a job that makes the world a little better, some security from all the unpleasantnesses out there, I want love, laughter, companionship and sex. I want to be with a woman who wants to be with me. I want to have some experiences that I can look back on when I die and know that I lived, if only for a while.

And I know how to get it: I should admit to my parents that I have an addiction, I should seek immediate medical help for my physical and mental problems. I should try to find a way to live in what is left of my life.

But I can't. I can't do those things. I've known for years now what I need to do but I can't make myself do it. I just keep waking up and sitting down at my PC, whenever I have to do something that means getting up from my chair I make sure I have headphones on so that I can ignore the pains in my chest and block out the part of me that's screaming in horror at what I've become. I feel that I will die soon, and that when I do I will be consumed in a single moment of absolute regret and fear.

To restate the question: has anyone ever been where I am and made it out alive? If so, how?

P.S. I've read quite a few similar threads around the internet with replies from well-meaning people that can basically be summed up as 'don't worry, be happy', which is a wonderful philosophy if you can make it work, but my head doesn't function like that. Not that you shouldn't reply if you've never been clinically depressed, just try to be understanding if you can please. I do realise that with the way I've framed the question there is very little room to answer since I've already said I can't do the things I need to; I don't expect to get better, but I guess there's a part of me that had to get this out, if only by way of a confession.

Thanks for taking the time, and any response you can make.
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replied August 23rd, 2010
Look, what I think you should do is actually get up one morning and be determined to do something.
Motivate yourself to wake up and start looking for jobs to begin to have a purpose in life - screw the pc, get out there and go to your nearest job center and start to become independent.
Alternatively find something your interested in and join a club and meet other people who are interested in the same things you are.

This step of becoming independent is sure to boost your confidence and will make you want to do something. You will meet people along the way to doing this and there is no negative that can come out of simply looking.
If you were at university you must be fairly well educated and i'm sure you'd be able to grab an interview no problem.

After becoming more and more independent and opening yourself to the world and the people within it, who knows what could happen - meeting someone etc.

If you've got confidence issues it doesn't matter, this is a fresh start for you no one knows what your really like so you can go out there and choose your personality.

So hey, you might just read this and think 'ahh whatever' and go back to your computer, but seriously you need to start to do something with your life.
You are lucky to be alive and so many people don't have the opportunity that you do. Thousands of people live in wheelchairs all their life and would kill for what you have so why don't you use the opportunity that life offers.

Written by a 15 year old who wishes you all the best.
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replied August 23rd, 2010
Wow, embarrassed111 you're one heck of a 15 year old!
Nameruse, please go to a doctor/therapist, you probably need to be on some type of medication that will help you actually do all the things you know you need to do. I can tell you are very intelligent. Please see a doctor.
I wish you all the best.
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replied August 23rd, 2010
I am a mum of special needs kids. I completely understand the computer addiction, I dont have to deal with anything except a virus every now and then. It's a great place to hide. The only thing that keeps me here on this earth is helping other people. I know it sounds corny but make a commitment and voluteer to work with special needs kids. You'll feel great/better and you can use your computer skills to help find programs for them.
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replied August 28th, 2010
Yes, I have been where you are and I am truly okay now. Actually I was in much worse shape than you are in some ways. I could not see any future except heavy sedation in a mental hospital. My depression was so intense and painful that I really needed to die. Life was too horrifying to bear but suicide was too horrifying to carry out. I was stuck in a nightmare. I had the benefit of many people praying for me, and I am alive today, pain gone. My depression was so tortuing that I was driven to keep trying different meds until something helped. You, on the other hand, have a quality of depression that causes apathy. Those who advise you to get up and determine to do something really don't understand clinical depression. The ability to initiate an action is taken for granted by the mentally healthy; it is very difficult or impossible for the depressed person. BTW, I'm not sure that your computer use is an addiction or just a way of coping with the pain. I think that once your misery is healed, you'll be out in the real world and forget all about the computer. Also, the heart symptoms you are having may be just anxiety/panic related. It's possible that you are not suffering from heart problems at all, just anxiety. (I had this experience myself).
I do not know if you're depression is coming from a physical problem in your brain or from a spiritual problem. Maybe both. Since your family is not recognizing the seriousness of your condition, who will help you? How will you break free from this prison. You know it really is a prison. You need to call on the name of Jesus, and ask Him to save you. Jesus, God's son, died on the cross to pay for your sins. The bad things in your past that you have done- if you repent of them - these will be forgiven by God when you trust in Jesus. Then, when you die, you will enter heaven. You can stop being afraid of death. If your depression has spiritual roots or elements, you will have to have God's help to relieve it. Take this one step to break out of your bondage. Once you take this step, then He will help you to reach out for the meds that you may also need. (When you do begin to try meds, please remember that some people have to try multiple ones before they find the right one.) Also, after you start feeling better with the meds, see a Christian counselor to work through your issues.

Note: Many anti-depressants cause weight gain, but not always for every person. This may be a hurdle for you but don't be discouraged by it. Once your mood is better you will be able to exercise and counteract it. Also, there is antidepressant Wellbutrin which can help with weight loss.

When your depression is healed, then you will see that you are YOUNG, with your whole life before you. May God Bless You and may you have much joy ahead!

P.S. - Pull up the Gospel of John on your computer and read it!
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