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girlfriend seeing another guy

So here's the situation.

I'm a 25-year-old male, living in Spain this year teaching English.

A few weeks after I got here (early October), I met an amazing Spanish girl. She's beautiful, a musician, caring, outgoing, has a great personality. (She also has cyclothymia, a mild, borderline bipolar disorder, but we always have to take the bad with the good, right?).

Things got serious quickly, and by Christmas when it was time for me to go back for the holidays, we had said I Love You, referred to each other as bf/gf, etc. The time I was in the States we talked at least an hour every day, and got even closer. We're both kind of insecure, jealous types, so we had our rough spots, of course, but generally it's been good. I have always been afraid she will leave me for a musician, she has the same fear about Italian girls (I was an Italian major in college and would love to go back live in Italy).

In February, she came to my apartment and burst into tears. She told me about her depressive disorder, how she's stressed about the teacher-licensing exams she has to take in June, how she sometimes just needs to withdraw from everything, and maybe she shouldn't be with anyone at the moment. I calm her down and convince her that withdrawing from life is not going to solve her problems. She decides that we can stay together.

However, my paranoid side kicked in, and I installed a keylogger on my computer. I grabbed her password for email and Facebook the day before she left, and have been checking up on her ever since. I never found anything incriminating (until... see below.

Fast forward to now. Some personality differences have begun to show more clearly, but I love her more than ever. We've said that if it isn't going to work, we have to decide that before I make a decision as to come back next year or not.

I stopped reading her email for a while, but in the last few weeks she started becoming more distant and strange around me. Fearing the worst, I had a moment of panic and went back into her email and Facebook this Monday.

She was planning to stay over last night, but called me yesterday morning to tell me a (female) friend was coming in from out of town and needed to stay at her house. She asked me if I would mind if they just stayed in at her house, which is in a small town about four miles from here.

I said OK, having no reason to believe she was lying. All the same, I logged into her Facebook, and what a surprise I got. She had sent a message to the friend in question the night before asking if it would be OK to make up the whole story about the friend needing a place to say, because the "other subject" (another guy) had invited her to go out for a drink at 10 PM, and she wanted to "clear some things up as soon as possible (you know what I mean)".

Of course I was devastated. I went so crazy that I actually took the last bus to her town last night and hid outside her house to see who the other guy was. It's the bassist from her band. I knew she was beginning to be better friends with him, but I had no idea she had feelings for him. When they greeted each other, they didn't kiss, and I'm sure she wouldn't let things get too far along without breaking it off with me first. However, I don't know if I can ever trust her again.

I was checking her email and Facebook from my smartphone last night when suddenly I was kicked out. I think she realized that someone was snooping, because she changed her passwords. When I got back to my house I couldn't get into either.

She sent me a message this morning at seven AM to tell me that she had been "up all night talking" with her female friend and was going to go to sleep. I'm sure she and this guy were out all night (it's common here in Spain to come back after sunrise). Now she will be at my house in an hour and I don't know how to handle the situation.

Technically, other than lying to me about her friend's visit, I'm not really sure what she's done wrong. If she's interested in this other guy, she has to explore those feelings and make sure she really wants to be with me and not him.

If I tell her that I know about her lie, I have to tell her HOW I know, which would probably mean the end of the relationship. I know that snooping in her email is a huge violation of trust, and I wouldn't expect her to forgive me for it. But isn't going out with another guy and spending all night with him a violation as well? I guess it depends if they have feelings for each other, if they kissed or did more, etc.

I don't know if I can keep a poker face later (she already know something is bothering me), so I may end up laying all the cards on the table. I don't think I can go on without bringing this out in the open.

Sorry for the long-winded post. I've never come to a relationships forum before but I don't have anyone here I can discuss this with (with the email spying I'm sure any of the friends I have here would be disgusted with me and stop hanging out with me). What do you guys think about the situation? Can I save this? Should I try? Is it totally dysfunctional and should be scrapped?
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replied May 2nd, 2009
#1. i do believe you were violating her privacy.
#2. you kinda stalked her also.
i was with my ex for 5 years and 2 1/2 of that he was in love with his ex. she was pregnant with her 3rd child (none of them his) and he was still waiting for her. i was in competition with his ex. when theres two people in a women face.. she's going to constantly compare, and she could get confused. some people believe in dating many at one time to see which one they like the best. that's fine but if your in a committed relationship i think it's wrong.
i wouldn't say anything about it b/c your going to be in the dog house. but i know your going to explode one day.
the chips are on the table you have to figure out what your going to do.
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replied May 3rd, 2009
I have to say I totally agree with deniseforte on the stalker issue. Yes you did violate her privacy however if you told her you hacked into her stuff she may be more forgiving, she definately would'nt trust you but I don't think she would break up with you. BUT I dont know any female that would want to stay with somebody that is stalking's wierd and kinda crazy oh and scary..don't tell her. Perhaps you could make something up, or tell her that you feel like there something wrong and maybe ask her if she wants to be with you...good luck
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replied May 3rd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
i disagree...i think that if she was acting weird and they are in a comitted relationship and he wants to know whats going on then he should be able to find this out...i say this bc I noticed a behavior change in my bf a while back(a year or 2 ago early in our relationship)..he carried his phone EVERYWHERE he went..which he never decided to be nosey and snoop which I think I had every right to do..i'm not going to sit here and pretend nothing is going on and stay in a relationship thats fake if he's cheating on I def found a few inappropriate texts on his phone and was INFURIATED..i dont play say you wanna be with with me..dont play me thats bs and i dont put up with it...personally I just came out with it...i didn't beat around the bust at all..I flat out told him basically "'ve been acting REALLY weird lately..we need to talk..right now, about this issue..or its over"...he didn't even say anything about me snooping through his phone bc he KNEW he was in the wrong...he never cheated on me...however, the texts he sent to another female were inappropriate..i made it crystal clear that if i EVER found anything like this again it was over...period...and, there hasn't been a problem since...i dont look through his phone constantly i dont stalk him...but i know when somethings up...i say just confront her about dont even have to bring up what you did just straight up tell her that you feel like something is going on and that you two need to talk about it...if not and she continues to be shady..then end it
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replied August 22nd, 2009
it is all about trust - that's so hard to repair. Years ago I was dating this wonderful, amazing girl. I kept asking her to wear open toed shoes, miniskirts, etc, essentially trying to doll her up like some early 2000s Britney Spears photo shoot. She didnt normally dress that way, and for over a year I kept pressing the issue! I was probably a hystrionic personality case back then, flirting with so many girls from work and school. Well, I eventually cheated on her out of sheer stupidity, and I eventually came clean to her. GUess what? She dumped me, and she was right to do so. To this day I still kick myself in the ass over it. I had the issue with just finding it interesting to take relationships with coworkers and friends to the next level, like the OPs GF has. That's called breaking trust and being unethical, if youre in a relationship already. Original Poster, consider to call it off, because the bond that makes a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship has been weakened. Good luck.
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replied February 11th, 2010
Experienced User
I have been there.......
Leave this person immediately....I was in a similar situation and all that will occur is you having a broken heart on a regular basis. In my situation; I met the person at work and after a while we began having a relationship. I moved to the area (Newport News) and that's when it really took off. She treated me like dirt the entire time and dumped me on a regular basis. So...It's not worth the effort/ time to try to have someone in your life that has borderline personality disorder unless it’s your child. It is a toxic, stormy relationship that will never be healthy for the person who does not have borderline personality disorder unless the person who does goes for treatment. And guess what; treatment is a very long process that can last for over two years thus many stop before they should. So…what should you do….I started thinking with my head instead of my heart. Once I did that I was able to see and understand how bad this person really was. I even went as far as giving her two tests… was in regards to a question she asked me after she told me she was sleeping with someone else; I told her 1/3 of the truth to see how she would react; she blew up on me (this was not the first time she had performed this stunt). The second test was when I asked her if we could talk about it. She started screaming at me which was so out control I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. To stop her I had to raise my hands and say three time, “Shut your mouth, I am finished listening to you”. After the second test; I was finished with this person for good. What did I do? I cut off all communications and have made it nearly impossible for this person to ever contact me again.....why you ask.....because she has tried on more than one occasion to contact me to be “friends”. Well….friends does not treat friends the way I was treated regardless of the disorder. I want nothing more than for her to just go away for the rest of my life so I can heal and move forward. This was the worst relationship I have ever had in my entire life one in which I never intend on repeating again.
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replied March 15th, 2011
DUDE LISTEN UP! u wud be a stalker and ud be violating her trust if if if she never did anything wrong. If shes been lyin to you in the realtionship, then ur spying on her makes sense,or else how wud u ever knw what shes doing? shed hang out with him for weeks together without u knowing, shed act weird with u,tellin u shes depressed about something n not cheating on u, she mite as well sleep with him, and later on wen shell realize hes not worth it,shel prolly come back to u! but then wheres ur justice?wut about all the lies she has said?wut abt her sleeping with him? U dun deserve to be in this pain, girls usually tend to cheat on guys 1.if they feel too secure with u(meaning if she thinks he wont leave me no matter what), 2. if u have changed over time,and if ur not as sweet with her,as u were in the beginning,n the spark has gone!
so brother think about it deeply,if u can, leave her,unless she deeply deeply apologises to you for lying!best of luck!Smile
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