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Girlfriend Lied about Birth Control to get My Sex

My ex-gf 3 years ago lied about being on birth control as well as having emergency contraceptives in her possession. I was comfortable enough not wearing a condom and we had sex a total of 5 times in my basement with 3 of those times were unprotected. I tried the "withdrawal method" 3 times, but there were times she and I were having such fast sexual intercourse that I did not withdrawal (pull-out) of her in time, and I accidentally got some of my fluid inside her. She never got pregnant, and this was 3+ years ago, but I am still traumatized emotionally from how I "Could have been a father" but am not. I have been mentally beating myself up, and have felt guilty I ever trusted her and did not wear a condom every time, because I am so lucky I don't have a baby to take care of that I wasn't expecting.

I went into a psychiatric ward voluntarily one time for this, and tried to receive help. The medicines were Luvox and Risperidone, but I didn't like either, and ended up quitting both in time and switching to other meds.

How can I help manage these PTSD experiences? I tried E.D.M.R. therapy 6 times and did not find it to be effective for me.

Some days, I feel so guilty and ashamed of what I did I sometimes think that maybe I should have had a baby with her so that way I could have felt and underwent the punishment I "sort of" feel I deserve. I thought we were having protected sex with backup available, but after a night of sexual intercourse when I ejaculated deep inside her, she broke out and told me she was lying to get me to have sexual intercourse with her WITHOUT me having a condom on.

How can I move on from this and learn to not beat myself up whenever the thought comes to my head? I need help and badly!
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