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From loneliness to having a girfriend to loneliness again...

Exactly one month ago I sent her boyfriend an e-mail that implied that she was secretly dating me while she was still with him (this is true by the way) which lead to him breaking up with her almost immediately after he read the e-mail. They got back together the very next day after I decided to send a second e-mail that made it seem like nothing ever happened between us. The truth is I never wanted us to be in a relationship at all - it was something she pretty much begged me into after she confessed her feelings for me. She seemed like a really nice girl at the time, so I decided to give it a shot - but I didn't ask her out until the day he dumped her, to try to prevent her from two-timing. He dumped her because he wanted sex but she didn't (she wants to wait until marriage); he's dumped her several times because of this exact same reason. After he dumped her that day, he came back crying and she told me she wanted to take him back just for a little while (because it was nearly Christmas.) I didn't mind because I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a relationship with her. Our friendship grew immensely after that day, and that lead to me developing feelings for her (this took just over a week.)

He dumped her again a just over a week later after I told her to tell him that she doesn't want to have sex until marriage and that she doesn't see a future with him (which is what she told me herself.) We became official after that, but after spending a day together she told me (just before going to bed) that she felt very overwhelmed (because she still had feelings for him.) Because I was still unaware of the feelings I'd developed for her since the relationship began, when she told me she wanted to go back to him just for a while (like she did before) I again said 'okay.' I slowly realised that what she now wanted was to have a relationship with me and him at the same time, which really made me angry. Every week we would have an argument concerning this 'complication', and this usually lead to me 'dumping her' - only to accept her back again because of the feelings I had for her (she was my first ever 'girlfriend' and the first person I ever told everything about myself to - and she accepted everything about me.) She also cried a lot whenever I dumped her.

She wanted our relationship to be a deep-secret, while her relationship with him to be the 'official' one, this meant that I couldn't go out with her anywhere.
I kept on asking her, 'how long will this last?' And her reply was always, 'I don't know!' She was waiting for him to dump her. I even asked her if this could last for over a year and her reply was, 'I don't know!' After nearly two months of this my anger got the better of me and I decided to send the first e-mail, but before I did I e-mailed her my intentions. She begged me not to; she was crying on the phone and re-dialed my number whenever I ended the phone call. I decided to send the e-mail after I asked her, 'who do you love more, me or me?' Her answer was 'well, right now, I love him more.' After sending that e-mail she went from 'I love you with all of my heart! I love you unconditionally!' to 'I hate you with all of my heart! You are despicable!' within a period of five days.

Four days after she and her boyfriend became a couple again (due to the second e-mail I sent him) she still told me that she hates me. She also told me that she was a fool to 'love me'; that she now sees me as a big threat to her relationship; that she appreciates his love for her, more than ever; that she will never forgive me for what I did; and that I should never, ever speak to her again. After failing to plead with her, I decided to give up and initiate a no contact period that would last indefinitely. I wanted to try my best to move on with my life and to heal (because she really did hurt me very, very much.)

Less than a week later she began to put on A LOT of makeup to lectures (she used to never put on makeup to lectures and each day she wore new clothes that I'd never seen before (we used to be very close so I sort of knew her wardrobe even though I'd never been to her room.) A week after that, she began wearing very formal (and new) clothing to lectures (even if we had only one that day.) This is very surprising because she never used to dress like this at all, and she also has a very limited budget. Each day she would wear different jewelries, handbags, jeans etc. And this past week, she also wore high-heels (and she once told me that she absolutely hates high-heels) to lecture. The most alarming thing is that I would often catch her staring at me, and quickly turning her head whenever I caught her. She even stared to sit at the back of a lecture theatre (even though she told me she has difficulty seeing at the back) ever since the breakup.

On the very last seminar for the term, she seemingly looked very vibrant and happy but I started to notice her friend (whom I had never spoken to before) looking over at my direction quite a few times. I even caught my ex staring at me at one point (and I also caught a glimpse of her with her head bended towards the desk, looking unhappy.) I left without saying goodbye, in the end.

It depresses me because in my 19 (nearly 20) years of extistence I'd never formed a bond anywhere near like the one I did with her. I honestly thought she was my soul mate.
I'm an introvert who has no friends and I suffer from chronic loneliness. Loneliness used to be a part of me, but ever since she entered my life that feeling of loneliness went away... and now that it's back it feels overwhelming a lot of the time. All I want is that one companion Sad
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replied April 10th, 2012
Honey, you have to wait and give all these some time, and please don’t batter yourself, is not your fault. Things like this happen, and this is what we call “process of growing up”. Your ex girlfriend sounds a bit uncertain or in technical terms, confused. I think she not certain of what she wants, but girls in a situation like that will get into a relationship because they are “hurt or confused”, and they need someone to lean on. However, you two should have not gotten into a relationship within a week! When someone breaks off, you give them good enough time to rejuvenate, for instance a month or more! Obviously, she will have “lingering” feelings for her ex, it’s only been a week.. I can tell, you still like her or care for her, if you are taking notice of her little changes. I don’t honestly believe in soulmate, but believing in it is not wrong, but if you believe she is your soul mate then go talk to her, and I do understand your introvert but you can’t do anything if your just going to sit down and not say anything? Nothing will change if you don’t do anything. No one can read your mind (we aren’t psychic), they need to be constantly reminded how you are feeling.
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