Medical Questions > Relationships > Family Relationships Forum

frightened of my mother's reaction

My parents divorced when I was 2. My dad remarried a younger woman who already had a young son and even though my mom remarried multiple times since she just never let it go. Over the next 3 years my 3 older brothers went to live with dad and then when I was 5 my dad and step mom got custody of me. It wasn't perfect but it wasn't terrible either looking back (and now as a mother myself) my step mom didn't always have the most patience I imagine she mustve been overwhelmed by marrying a man 14 years her senior with 4 kids. But all in all when I think of my childhood there it was OK. My mom hated my step mom and of course that caused problems. For instance, if step mom did something we didn't like we could always sick mom on her etc etc I'm not saying it was right but kids will be kids and that is why its important for divorced parents to learn to create a united front at all cost Cuz the kids will play both sides! Still to this day nearly 28 years later my mother hates her. At 16 i went back to live with mom her place didnt have rules so what teen doesnt like that but shes difficult to live with. She checked out on real life long ago, lives on a social security check, is a virtual shut in, with multiple mental health issues. Sadly my father passed away when I was 17. I had no support system anymore mom provided a roof that was about it. I disconnected from my step mom, step bro, and half bro and rarely spoke or seen them for the next 10 years. In that time I married put myself through college had two kids. My own marriage ended in divorce (I was 18 when we married and just grew apart). I've realized as a divorced parent myself just how selfish my own mother is she never picked herself back up and tried. Her hatred poisoned everything. I try my absolute best to get along with my ex for the kids sake (it doesn't always work but I keep the kids out of it I don't bad mouth him or tear him down in anyway to my children) in the years since my divorce my step mom has really been there if I needed her we've reconnected some and resolved some issues. I regret shutting her out all those years. Now the kids and I are doing good and expecting a new baby with my DF. However, at the beginning of the month our landlord sent us notice that she is selling this house (we do not want to buy it bcuz we planned a move back to my hoometown) and we had 30 days to move. Then my ex got fired and the child support stopped and then my DF job was contracted out and he had to be moved to another dept with a lesser pay grade so all in a month we lost quite a bit of income and are having to move. My step mom (who lives I'm the hometown we planned to move too) offered us to come and stay with her. There's plenty of room and there would be minimal expenses we accepted but I just can't tell my mom. She is going to flip and I don't put it past her to stoop to dirty levels to stop me from going. I'm afraid its gonna be a replay from when I was a child and she'd try to poison my own children against step mom and even me. DF myself and even the kids are excited to go his family (who are great) and some of myown are there. THe kids would have multiple cousins in the same school and it would be less financial stress on DF and I to pop back on our feet. Which I need cuz all the stress has been getting to me. I haven't had that family support system in a long time and I'm really looking forward to it. My hometown is only 30 minutes from where we currently live. Im just afraid of what my mother is gonna pull. I've seen first hand the things she'll pull in situations she doesn't like. I debated cutting her off but now in her older age she doesn't have many years left and I don't think I could live with myself. Any ideas?
Did you find this post helpful?

replied January 25th, 2014
Extremely eHealthy
I guess it is too late for your mother now.
Maybe she had "adjustment" problems right from the start but some people simply cannot let things go because sometimes there are important principles at stake and justice and fair play to consider without which a person cannot find what is now fashionably called closure.

It takes two people to make a marriage contract and it is only right and proper that two people should end or dissolve that contract, that blame should be properly apportioned and recognised by both parties and suchlike. When a divorce is a unilateral thing, especially when the one who doesn't want a divorce is relatively blameless it can cause a deep sense of injustice that manifests as jealousy and hatred that can last forever.

At a legal level the lawyers and courts have a duty to preserve marriage at almost any cost and to bring about a reconciliation if possible.
These days divorce has become so routine and such an important contribution to the funding of the legal system nobody thinks about duty anymore. Blame is no longer apportioned or properly recognised and a divorce petition routinely contains so many lies, half-truths and exaggerations deliberately to force a court to grant a divorce it is bound to leave a very bad taste in the mouth of some that they might never recover.

Most misdemeanours within marriage aren't serious enough to persuade a court to grant a divorce yet it is years since I have heard of a judge tell the divorcing couple they are being silly and to go away and grow up!

There might be some political mileage if you tried to discover the history behind your mother's sense of injustice and resulting hate and jealousy and tried to understand it. Her attitude could equally be caused by a deep sense of shame, guilt or humiliation but in your case knowledge and understanding could be power.

Your first duty is not to your mother but to your kids and yourself and so it is time to stop being the child and become the adult in your relationship with your mother. Your job is to keep your kids away from negative or bad influences and so it is time to stop expecting or hoping your mother will behave in a particular way and instead tell her how things will be.

Tell her it is time she grew up and stopped treating other people as if they were her own private punch-bag.
Tell her you know why she is bitter and it is a shame she has allowed it to poison her own life but you aren't going to allow her bitterness to taint the lives of your family.

Tell her she has one chance to become a storybook grandma or she is going to be out, alienated, cut off, unwelcome, persona non grata...
Blood is not thicker than water and after your ultimatum the final decision will be hers and not yours. Your mother either wants to be a part of your family or she doesn't. I strongly suggest you judge her by her actions and have no regrets about your decision.

Good luck!
Did you find this post helpful?